It seems like when I need the most help there is no one, or perhaps I just subconsciously push others away. Perhaps it is irrational to get upset over the commentary of others, however overtime those small meaningless phrases that you push aside accumulate until they become your reality. The phrase's "Your worthless" , "Your stupid", 'your ugly" , "Your a slut" and " your meaningless" , are now engraved in my head. His words echo within me and it terrifies me . It terrifies me how i am no longer terrified of his passive-aggressive mannerisms. I am no longer affected by his constant yelling, his constant blows, and the constant physical and emotional bruises. I've come to learn how to fake a smile with ease. It now seems second nature to pretend to be happy. However, every ounce and a while i break down uncontrollably. The stress kills me. I can never be perfect , nor can i erase the past. It seems like every time I am come close to reach the pinnacle of joy, you find a way to drown me. I have been deprived from the pursuit of happiness.