Published February 26, 2009
Dark Night
It was a dark night. Frost was beginning to settle on the cold concrete ground, as small clear snowflakes dripped from the sky. The trees lingered covering the scarce moonlight, making it impossible to see. A shrill scream can be heard in the distance, hovering in midair for a short moment before gently floating away.
There’s a girl in view. Wearing a ragged old dress torn here and there. Her hair a mess, as the wind blows it swiftly back. Blood drips from her pale forehead from a great gash. Her eyes are fixed to you, watching you closely, as though she’s scared of your reaction to her.
A cold ghostly feeling runs through you, as her right arm points in your direction. A loud noise rings through your ears as she shouts words at you that you don’t understand. Gently she moves towards you, her eyes peering into, you burning you almost. A glint of silver looks before you as she pierces your cold skin, the pain rippling though your body. She watches you fall roughly to the floor.
You wake up. As your eyes swivel round the room you feel relieved to find she’s not there. Sweat runs down your body and your hand reaches to wipe your chest, but its not sweat. Your hands are covered in a red substance.
please tell me what you think. This is the first one i have posted online, hope you like it.
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140,799 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
welcome to YWS
this is a great piece. i love the fact that its so short because it gives you
time to think about what the future holds also i like the creepy feeling you get when you read
it. you could become a great horror story writer.
bye
Hi there! Welcome to YWS, hope you are liking it so far...
Now, I liked this, it's interesting. It's very clear, expressive and has simple idea. You concentrated everything in short story, which is pleasant. Everyone has pointed every mistake/non getting idea, but I found something that concerns me...
-Did you go to the Welcome Forum? If not go and introduce yourself to the others to get to know the rules and stuff. Don't worry everybody is very nice here! On thing: You NEED to do TWO reviews for each work you post. It's very important! It's a 2:1 rule, got it? I see that you didn't have make any review, go quickly!
I really liked this but sharpen a little it and it would be great! The idea is there clearly and expressive. Good work! Keep going!
Shauni
P.S. If you need anything or just want to say "hi" PM anytime,anywhere that I will answer it as soon as I can!
P.S.S Here's a cookie. *gives cookie* It's a welcoming gift, enjoy it and be prepared because everyone where loves cookies, so it's better if you do so!!!
Hi first of all welcome to YWS!
This is a really good first post- very effective and chilling. I noticed quite a few mistakes in not using commas, but as I'm not great in that area, I'll point out what I can and leave it up to someone else to mention those I've missed 
I'm not sure what you mean about 'the tree's lingered'- can trees linger? Something about them towering high might make more sense. There would need to be a comma after lingered.
Comma instead of full stop.
You need to say 'hair's' or 'hair is'.
I'd say 'eyes are fixed on you' instead of to.
comma after ears.
I've added comma's in bold here where they should be. I'm not sure about gently, it kind of gives the impression of being kind, something like slowly might work better.
Instead of 'a glint of silver looks before you' flashes would make more sense.
I'm not that keen on roughly either- perhaps heavily?
Comma after room.
I'd leave out substance so that the sentence is more effective.
Overall comments: I think you have done well in describing what the reader does- a tricky angle to take. You have set the scene nicely and managed to create a really creepy piece! There are quite a few comma's missed out so I would look into where you need them and a few times I think you have used words where other ones would fit a lot better in with the sentence.
Is this a stand alone piece? If so I think you could add more to it as right now its quite short, a bit more on the actual stabbing might be good as it goes by very quickly whereas saying the reader screams or clutches at the girls clothing might add more to the scariness. If you move on from this, using it as a prologue, I think it could work well- although writing in this style for a full story would be hard to do and may come across a bit awkward.
You do set the scene very well but I'm still not sure where she is- is this a forest? Perhaps you could extend a bit upon the setting to mention whether its a street or a park or whatever. As you have chosen this way to write, you need to show the reader where they are so that they can feel like they are really there.
Good first post
Hey! Welcome to YWS. So, on to the review...
Okay, I think you should remove the comma after 'into' and put it after the second 'you' in the sentence.
I don't understand what the part in bold means. Maybe you could change it around?
This is short so there isn't much to fix. I loved your attention to detail, so keep it up. Also, I noticed you haven't reviewed anything. They like you to do at least two reviews before you post something of your own. So review stuff!