Gears and gadgets, screws and springs,
Her life revolves around such things.
With cogs and magnifying glass
The queen enjoys her lonesome craft.
.
Things that tick and things that tock,
An automaton, or a clock;
She rules her kingdom with patience and grace
The queen at last has found her place.
.
Here a turn and then a twist
Of a withered, shaking, bony wrist
For years she’s sat upon her throne,
The queen has always reigned alone.
.
The final nut, the final bolt,
A life now whirring to a halt
Cogs lock in place with barely a sound
Like clockwork doll, the queen winds down.
.
Things still whirr in the silent room,
A workshop that became a tomb.
Yet her dead lips show ecstasy,
The queen is where she wants to be.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,752 Literary Works • 673,686 Reviews
Great poem, I really enjoyed reading it.
Thank you!
Amazing poem! I love it so much. The rhyme and rhythm are on point, as is the word choice. I have absolutely nothing to say other than write on!!!
Thanks!
Hello there. I am not totally familiar with the steam punk genre, so I will focus mainly on the poem as I see it, as opposed to how it fits into a genre.
Now, first of all, I shall divulge on what I liked about your poem. I liked its emphasis on machinery and technology. The ticking of the clock, the wonder and mystery of gadgets- it's very ambiguous and feels so fresh. The queen in this poem, I presume, is a wind-up toy of some description. The creator of the invention obviously feels an emotional attachment to the "queen", elevating her above all over statuses. Your AABB rhyming scheme is also simple but not childish, which is nice.
My only complaint about this poem is that the way it reads can be awkward at times, though this is purely a personal matter and not one of universal worry. I think it is awkward because I am not familiar on the steam punk genre, so maybe I should read up on it and update my review to fit the demographic you were aiming.
Overall, a very good and likeable poem.
Thank you for the review!
This is my first review so it probably makes no sense whatsoever… if I need to explain the bizarre workings of my brain please let me know!
I love the poem! It’s the height of steampunkiness (is that a word?) which I love because a lot of things are only mild on the steampunk, making yours a bit different. That might just be me though - you know how steampunk-obsessed I am!
Although a lot of the time it’s only indirectly descriptive (words are used quite generally) I can picture the scene perfectly. Sound is very important for description, but many poems I’ve read overlook this.
It’s also got a really nice rhythm (most of the time) making it very enjoyable to read; however there are a few lines that don't really seem to flow as well:
“She rules her kingdom with patience and grace”
To make this flow you have to read it faster than the other lines, so if you’re not expecting it you kind of stumble on it while reading.
Thank you for reviewing this, Kestrel! This made sense to me.
Probably because our mechanical brains work in similar ways.
I really like it. The onatponapiea you have going on. It kinda of just doesn't make sense because I feel a story here, but I just can't put my finger on it. With the line
"Here a turn and then a twist."
Is that supposed to be hear?
"The queen rules her kingdom with patience and grace"
The way you portrayed her made her seem ungraceful. A gear contraption isn't really graceful in my opinnion.
What is with you and your Steampowered obsession???
Hi, there, Steamy! RagingLive here!
First and foremost, can I just be the first to say that you combine machinery and death just so effortlessly? XD! While this was sad, I also found it very creative and imaginative. (I think that those two words mean the same thing, but then again, who knows?)
I couldn't find much wrong with this at all, but I do have a few things to point out.
Eh, I don't want to be nitpicky here, but if it's a silent room, things shouldn't exactly be whirring. Unless, however, you are implying it's a white noise and the silence comes from no one else alive in the room. But I don't see any real problem here so it's probably fine the way that it is.
Here, 'ecstasy' seems a bit odd to use in the event of death and is actually a little confusing. Maybe if it was rephrased:
"Yet on dead lips a smile is seen, / the queen is where she wants to be."
Bravo, bravo, my friend, on writing a very interesting poem that held my attention the whole way through. Though slightly sad, I think that it was very descriptive.
One of my favorite lines:
Keep writing and keep on smiling!!
~RagingLive
Aw, thanks! I feel like, since I'm the steampunk YWSer, I'm letting the side down if I write anything else
but this poem was really fun to write!
Hullo! I've decided I'm going to review people from Team Tortoise so here I am
The third line of this section feels a little long and after all the lovely imagery of stanza one I was a bit disappointed by how plain these last two lines feel. Perhaps 'She rules her machine with cloth and oil/ The queen has at last selected her foil'Specifics
1. I think the use of 'such' in the second line is a waste of a word! Poetry is so short on words that each one should pack some punch behind it. Maybe you could have 'strange things' or 'wondrous' or 'brass things'. The word you choose here could help to set the atmosphere of the poem and give us some insight into how the speaker feels about the girl's obsession - whether they agree or disagree.
2.
3. Again your next stanza could use 'springy' instead of shaking to keep the imagery rolling through. I'd also say the final two lines are again a little weaker and feel perhaps a tad repetitive.
4. I'd have liked a little more backstory before the last stanza! I didn't quite feel the passage of time and it seemed very abrupt to me.
Overall
The rhymes are a little rough in places but you've got some great imagery and I think the opening for this is really strong. You maybe need to ask yourself what emotions you're trying to convey and to smooth out the story because at the moment your intentions are a little muddled but it's mostly enjoyable. I think if you decided whether you want this to be a narrative poem or an emotive one then that would help because at the moment it's a little of both but not enough of either for me to feel that I know the story of this clockwork queen or to have followed on her emotional journey.
Does that make sense? If not, ask me questions and I'll wish you the best of luck with this!
~Heather
Thank you so much!
Deleted for review spam.
Thank you for reviewing!
Dear steampowered, you are truly a master of your craft! I love this poem, for you have almost perfectly portrayed what it is like to be a queen of steam! I am very fond of how you set up the rhythm in the way you did, for every stanza flows amazingly well. Your poem is truly a joy to read! However, there is one small spot that doesn't seem to flow as nicely, and that is "Cogs lock in place with barely a sound Like a clockwork doll, the queen winds down." It may just be nitpicking, or personal preference, I think this could sound even better if you said Cogs lock in place without a sound Though again, that may just be personal preference. Overall, you are truly a master of your craft, and this poem proves it! I hope to see more of your work in the future!
Thank you for reviewing! I'm not sure quite how to deal with those compliments though... eh heh.
I really liked this! You've implied her death and yet it doesn't seem morbid to me at all. She died doing what she enjoyed, and she went peacefully.
It's obvious that there was nowhere she'd rather be, so I guess that softened the blow of her death.
Anyway, it was a very beautiful poem/story and I enjoyed it immensely.
Keep writing!!
~liveandbreathewords
Thank you for reviewing!
You're absolutely welcome!
Review coming up
I just want to start by saying how refreshing it is to read a poem that rhymes. Too often people go overboard trying to use abstract imagery and forget that one of the best aspects of poetry (at least to me) is rhyme.
Anyway, I find this poem inspiring in the fact that the subject is doing what she wants. A lesson everyone should take to heart. Do what you love, because as they say life is short. People should strive to be like the queen and die with a smile on their lips, because they have no regrets and they have chased their dreams. This woman devotes her life to clockwork and relishes in it till her dying day.
In stanza 4, I imagine her to have died sitting at her desk, possibly working on her next toy. She lives on in the "things [that] whirr in the silent room". Furthermore, she did all this work for simply herself, she "has always reigned alone". She did not need the recognition of others, and she never will, hence the "workshop that became a tomb" as she does not expect to be discovered until her body (and perhaps her toys) have decomposed.
While it appears to be a morbid poem on the frailty of life, it presents hope and inspires one to live their life to the full and do what they love. Something which I hope is a reflection of the author.
Very well written and seems thought out, at least on a subconscious level. A very enjoyable read.
Thanks
I love rhyming poetry too, so when I do write poetry, it has to rhyme. It's quite difficult trying to create a rhyme and rhythm that doesn't feel forced, so I'm glad it seems to have worked OK, at least for you.
Thank you so much for the positive feedback. It means a lot.