Dream Sequence 2/5

September 4, 2015
Short Story: Science Fiction, Action / Adventure
7 comments (7 reviews)

AN: This is the second part of my dream-inspired short story and bizarrely it still makes some sense. Kind of.

16:29 PM~~

~~~~~~~~~

I looked up and down the road, wondering what had made the noise. Something about the sound was terrifying, reminding me of all that had happened, and I felt myself beginning to shake again.

“Get a grip on yourself, Kastyn,” I told myself firmly.

Keeping one eye on the sky, I hurried up the street. The howling grew louder in volume as I drew near a parked car – parked, mind you, on the side of the road, and bizarrely undamaged. A chewed-looking “Baby on board” sign glared at me from the rear window.

A baby. It made sense.

One of the car doors was already open, a pile of clothes on the pavement. So someone, presumably the parent of this kid, had been in the process of climbing out when death struck from above. At least the doors would be unlocked, which gave me one fewer problem to deal with.

“Hey,” I said as I opened the passenger door. The baby was still screaming, its face scrunched up and red as a traffic light. For a minute I was tempted to leave it there. If I was to survive, it was only going to be in my way.

But to abandon a baby…

I sighed. Sometimes I wished I didn’t have a conscience.

“It’s OK,” I crooned as I lifted the baby from its car seat. “It’s OK. Mummy’s here.”

The baby stopped crying and gave me a look, like it didn’t believe me, and promptly shoved one fat fist into its little mouth. It was wearing a yellow babygro, the colour of choice for parents who prefer not to stereotype their little ones. The problem was, it didn’t offer me any clues as to whether this particular little one was a boy or a girl. I briefly considered checking, but then decided that it didn’t matter.

Still holding the baby, I leant across the front seats and clicked the boot. Opening the boot proved tricky with a baby, but I got around this by putting the baby on the pavement. It seemed quite content with this arrangement and gurgled happily, its initial strop forgotten.

Thank God for parents who know how to look after this thing, I thought as I searched. Baby wipes, a bottle, dummy, blanket thing, teddy bear, nappies… I stopped, a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Nappies. The baby seemed even less enticing now.

With a sigh I began to stuff the baby things into my handbag. If there really was no-one around, I could always loot a store to get more supplies. Then I moved around to the front of the car. Just in case, I wrote my phone number on a scrap of paper and tucked it under the windscreen wiper. Well, you could always hope.

“OK, kiddo,” I muttered to the baby, “you’re coming with Kastyn.”

Being responsible for another life reminded me that I needed to be a little more careful. Debating whether or not to go back to the bank, I decided it was best to split off from the others. The posh woman was no good in a crisis, the girl seemed determined to take the safe route and while the man might have made a good companion, I’d then have been obliged to take the others with me.

If anyone was prepared to take the risk to come and find me, they could.

Town had been almost completely destroyed. I clung onto the baby as I picked up the pace, heading towards my flat. I wasn’t even sure why I was going there, but it might be a safe haven. For now, at least. I didn’t doubt that the helicopters would come back, just to check that everyone really was dead.

I stopped dead at the entrance to my block of flats. The top half of the multi-storey tower was missing, a mess of beams and slabs of concrete. The main doors were missing, and as I walked I could see more and more of the laser marks, completely riddling the ceiling with small neat holes. Each one represented a life lived, an end met. My neighbours had probably met that fate. Shuddering, I moved on up the stairs. The lift never worked, and in the wake of the apocalypse, I didn’t think it would work any better now.

My flat was on the fourth floor. I reached for my keys as I stepped into the corridor, but it was kind of unnecessary. The front door was hanging off its hinges and there were more holes inside. In fact, the structure of the building was so unstable I wondered if it might be better to get the hell out of there.

But no. I wanted to see.

I turned the television on, or at least tried to. Nothing happened. I frowned and flicked the light switch. No electricity. The power was totally out. No chance of a cup of tea, then.

I set the kid down on the sofa. “OK kiddo, you stay here.”

My room was messy, even by its usual messy standards. For the first time it wasn’t even my fault. Part of the ceiling had collapsed, and I had to skirt my way around the fallen plaster to get to where I wanted. Swapping the contents of my handbag over to a much bigger backpack, I dug around and shoved in anything I thought might be remotely useful. A torch, batteries, matches, chocolate… well, you never knew when you might need chocolate.

Oh yeah, and a saucepan. Don’t ask why I packed that.

“OK,” I said aloud five minutes later, “I’m done.”

It was too bad I didn’t have a sling in which to carry the baby, I thought as I lifted it up again. The kiddo was hefty, and it was making my muscles ache. God, this is what being pregnant must be like, only then the kid’s sitting on your bladder. I didn’t particularly care to think about it. It was just a shame there wasn’t room for the baby in my backpack.

We began to walk, out of the flat and towards the edge of town. More destruction here. It was like a wrecking ball had come down out of the sky and randomly swung around. That was how wanton and scattered the damage was. You’d get one building almost entirely intact, then find another that had been reduced to ruins just down the street.

I wondered where the hell we were supposed to go. Was the rest of the country like this? The rest of the world, even? Were the helicopters everywhere, currently casting their laser rays down over the whole world? Was there any method or reason behind this madness?

Or was it really a case of technology having turned against us?

[To be continued]

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Sun Oct 25, 2015 1:50 am

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Pretzelstick wrote a review...

Heya steam, Pretzel here as promised to review this next part of your series for this lovely October Review Day. I know that many people have praised you for this, but I absolutely know the idea that this whole thing was written based on a dream, because I honestly think that this is so so so amazing.

Anyways, let's get into my points, shall we?

1.- That first sentence though. I loved it for it's child-like simple curiosity, even though things were much more complicated than that what had happened honestly. So in a way, even though I do like the wording, I think that you may have over-simplified things a little bit, to make it seem like she forgot what had just happened???

2.-

“Get a grip on yourself, Kastyn,” I told myself firmly.

I was confused here for a moment, so I practically concluded that I think that you should really italicize this. Just like authors italicize things in people's thoughts, this is an instance where talking to yourself should be italicized to make it more clear.

3.- Torn between taking the baby or leaving it, huh? I honestly thought that this was pretty cliche, because all adventurers have to face this choice. They know that a baby will hinder and be in their way of survival. What makes her want to become a "good Mummy" and take the baby under her wing. To be honest, I was appalled at the way that Kastyn treated the baby. I felt like she has absolutely no sense of how to properly take her of a baby.
She put her on the pavement of the street, left her unattended on the couch for five minutes, and wanted to stuff her in a backpack of a not safe child sling?

Personally, as a child caregiver who is also extremely cautious, I would never ever do any of these things when I was taking care of a baby. It's just safe, so I really see Kastyn as an immature person here. That characteristic/quality really comes out in this part, so for me that cancels out the hero part of actually taking the baby out of the car and such.

4.- I think that it was pretty strange that Kastyn had no emotions described when she saw how much her house had been devastated. Oh yeah, she see it and you described it and all, but how did she feel when she saw this catastrophe of her building. I see another quality in here, maybe it didn't matter to her about her house, maybe she didn't care about a physical place but more about her survival the most. I don't know, but I would really hope that you could make this clear, so that I'm not stuck on the edge of deciding which one it actually is.

5-. I also don't understand why this chapter seems so peaceful and still after an action-packed part before. It just really seems like this a blank space part of the dream, where the MC is just doing busy work, nothing that's actually concrete or adds to the story. I know that other readers and reviewers (like Candy) can disagree and say that a pause is good. But when I actually started reading and reviewing this, I wasn't looking for a pause. I was looking to what going to happen next, and what is the overall condition and situation of this imaginary world that you have created.

6.-

Or was it really a case of technology having turned against us?

This really is a great cliffhanger that I appreciate. There is just one thing that I would wish that you could actually clarify. What time period is this happening in? I assume this is in the future because it's in the dream, or it could be in the present. It seems like the technology is advanced enough or something, because if you machine could destroy everything then... Still, to actually fully understand this sentence, I think hat you should tell us what level or what kind of technology actually existed. If they are familiar things that we can identify with, then great. If they are new and futuristic things that we can use our imagination. I just want to know which one to better understand these questions as to the reason of why/how this happened. Because believe me, I want the answer as much as Kastyn does at this point.

This really makes me want to keep on reading, but I obviously can't because I have a whole list of things that I want to review for Review Day this month. That's ok though, because I promise that I will come back and pick up exactly where I left off, because I am eager to see where this dream of yours was going.

Overall, I really enjoyed this because it made me feel like it was actually my dream inside my head. You have a way with writing that makes people experience it in their heads by using a little bit of imagination. I hope that this review helps, and if you have any questions/comment about it, then you know where to find me.

~Pretzel.

steampowered says...

Thank you so much for this review! It's been really helpful.

Pretzelstick says...

Np. Glad it eloped you in some way! Will get in to the next one soon.

Points: 402
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Mon Sep 07, 2015 9:58 pm

Persistence wrote a review...

I completely agree about the chocolate - it should be in every survival kit.

Hey, steamy. An exciting second part, very well-written for a piece straight out of a dream. And this piece really is straight out of a dream, certainly made me feel like it. Did your dream actually include all these details? Sounds like a pretty amazing dream to me.

The change of environment from inside to outside to inside was really refreshing, and the baby was a very nice touch. Not only does Kastyn have to deal with a potential apocalypse with mysterious laser-shooting, people evaporating helicopters, but she has to do all of it while taking care of a baby.

There are quite a few funny moments that actually made me chuckle. This part contrasts the first one in terms of action, it is good to have a pause before you get into your juicy stuff (I'm saying this not having read past this part).

A good second part of a story, that complements its predecessor. Paired together, they would surely provide a steady source of entertainment to readers.

Keep up the great work, and keep having awesome dreams! ^^

Points: 324
Reviews: 4

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Sat Sep 05, 2015 9:55 pm

masterofqwerty wrote a review...

You're delving into the mechanics of a human mind. Consciences really are fickle things. Let's see what's good and what's bad.

The good

For being based on a dream (which we all know dreams are hard to remember), this is an amazingly written and thought out apocalypse. The way that it's happening, the ways to survive, this is very well thought out.

You've got the humor down. "Oh yeah, and a saucepan. Don't ask why I packed that"
"The power was totally out. No chance of a cup of tea, then"
"well, you never know when you might need chocolate."
It's all there.

"Or was it really a case of technology having turned against us?"
This is the best cliffhanger of all. Even though the setting of technologic apocalypse is overused, I love it.

As I said, you're delving into the mechanics and ethics of the human mind. There are seldom who can take what they personally experience when their conscience tells them something and put it down on paper.

The bad
"Town had been almost completely destroyed."
I don't know if it's just me, but the beginning of this sentence needs a "the" in front of it.

At the beginning/end of the last part, it would be better to have the baby to be crying all the time and Kastyn just notice it.

Otherwise, I got nothing. I look forward to the rest of it!

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Sat Sep 05, 2015 1:54 am

willachilles wrote a review...

I'm back. And guess what? This chapter was even better than the last.

Hey, Will here, for a review of your story.

You know, I find it odd that you said the other chapters weren't as good as the first one. Because, I found this one even better than Chapter One. It was so progressive and fun! Like, character progression - do you even listen to Drake? Okay, I don't know where that came from.

The Good

In my last review, I said your chapter was like an action film. In this review, I'm just gonna say it was like the follow up to the apocalypse. Like Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.

The best thing about this chapter was the fact that so much character development happens now, that you really get a feel of what the MC is like. Kastyn (which is a really nice unique name btw) is still a child, even though now (by what I understand) she is bordering on becoming an adult.

She is childish in the way that when she needs to find things to put in her bag, she grabs a saucepan. And chocolate. She thinks that she should put a baby in her bag. She is selfish, but not the 'mature' selfish, more 'kid' selfish.

And all of this seriously makes the story so much more fun! I love the way you write those lines about her. Keep it up, steam!

Things you can improve on

I'll talk about the plot, and also point out some nitpicks. 'Some' he says. 'Some.'

Nitpicks:

Spoiler! :

Plot:

Spoiler! :

And that's pretty much it! I hope you enjoyed this review - just as much as I enjoyed the chapter - and if you have any questions, PM me, or just ask!

Can't wait for Chapter 3!

-willa

steampowered says...

It's great to see that people are getting enjoyment out of my dream (I wasn't really expecting anyone to like it, but yay!) Just don't be too disappointed when you get to my sucky ending.
I'll fix up everything you mentioned, and edit out the irritating PMs on the original Word Document.
Once again, thank you for reviewing!

Points: 5915
Reviews: 63

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Fri Sep 04, 2015 9:29 pm

ThePhoenix wrote a review...

Pineapples.

I think I like this line divider better...

I looked up and down the road, wondering what had made the noise. Something about the sound was terrifying, reminding me of all that had happened, and I felt myself beginning to shake again.

Ok, if I remember clearly, Kastyn (you gave her a name!) heard a loud cry and she doesn't know who's making it until she actually sees the baby. The thing is though... She seemed to not know that a baby was crying the entire time, but wouldn't a babies cry differ from a five year old? Or an adult?
I dunno, didn't seem to make sense to me.

Also, last chapter you said:

a loud cry pierced the silence.

From this line, I assumed you meant that someone suddenly started crying because something attacked them, but a baby wouldn't wait for something to attack it to cry... would it?
It'd seem more realistic if the baby was crying the entire time instead of it just suddenly "piercing the silence".

D:
Wow, that's all about last chapter.

SORRY!

One of the car doors was already open, a pile of clothes on the pavement.

As I recall, there was lasers shooting down at people. I don't remember if you said that it incinerated them, but that's what I'm assuming.
But if the parents were incinerated, then how did the clothes survive? I find it unrealistic (and illogical) that whatever attacked them designed it only to take effect on humans. The clothes should've been incinerated as well. Perhaps change it to a pile of ash instead?
I mean, what if they wanted to kill sheep?
D:

its face scrunched up and red as a traffic light.

Is it just me, or does it sound better if "as a" gets replaced with "like"?

I sighed. Sometimes I wished I didn’t have a conscience.

Why doesn't she just give the baby to the people back at the bank (that's what it was right?)? I'm sure they'd be quite content to take care of such an adorable thing, even in the middle of an apocalypse.

Well, you could always hope.

I dunno, I feel like this didn't fit in with the rest of the paragraph. It sounds more like her thought, and while you did put a thought in that paragraph, this one didn't have anything that leads the audience to believe it is a thought.

Town had been

Heh, I think you forgot "The".

It was just a shame there wasn’t room for the baby in my backpack.

Ehm, carrying a baby in a backpack isn't exactly "safe". Especially one that has a saucepan in it. I may not know much about babies but I do that they have fragile heads and that they are still developing...
Or maybe this line was intended as a little humour...
In which case... Oops.

We began to walk,

You. You're the only one walking.

Hey... Hey...
Guess what?

THIS REVIEW WASN'T JUST NITPICKS!

I think that's enough.
Also, I'm too lazy to put more.

PHOENIX OUT!

steampowered says...

Hello, and thank you for reviewing!
I'll be sure to fix the stuff you mentioned if (or when) I do a redraft. And Kastyn's not the most... heh heh... maternal of people. Maybe I'll change some of that stuff around.

willachilles says...

Bro...you haven't been around here for long enough that we all have certain doctors to gif on...@Hattable is 11, @Ironspark and I are 10...you could be 9? Or you could join Hattable with 11...

Great Review btw!

ThePhoenix says...

...
I'M ELEVEN!

masterofqwerty says...

Pineapples?

ThePhoenix says...

Pineapples.

Points: 302
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Fri Sep 04, 2015 4:48 pm

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DaisyVieira wrote a review...

Hello I'm new at this so....
I actually started reading this from the second chapter not the first (for some stupid reason) so i was a little confused at first. But even so you manage to draw me in.
Even though the 'find a lost baby during an apocalypse' scenario is a cliche, it didn't feel forced. I do think that your character should show more emotion.
Anyway, I'm looking forward for the next chapter. (Btw i found that saucepan bit kinda funny)

steampowered says...

Could have sworn I replied to this... odd.
Thank you for reviewing!

Points: 78
Reviews: 99

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Fri Sep 04, 2015 4:29 pm

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Snoops wrote a review...

Here I go! Don't hate me if I fail at this review, okay?

"One of the car doors was already open, a pile of clothes on the pavement. So someone, presumably the parent of this kid, had been in the process of climbing out when death struck from above. At least the doors would be unlocked, which gave me one fewer problem to deal with."

This part is the only part I thought was kinda confusing, and that says something, since, If this would be one of my dreams, no one would understand anything!

I would write it more straight forward.

(I'm going threw this trying to find anything to review, but I can't find anything, but I also know one thing doesn't count as a review-so yeah. Why do you have to be such a great writer?)

I guess all I have to say is add more emotions, a bit more "Oh my gosh! The world has ended!" but then again, this is based off a dream, so, is someone wrote a comment like that on one of my written dreams, I would probably roll my eyes...

Remember not to hate me too much and bye bye!

PS: "Oh yeah, and a saucepan. Don’t ask why I packed that" Sauce pan...hum..

*Realizes the whole review wasn't helpfull-vanishes*

steampowered says...

Thanks for the review! You're right about the emotions and that's the thing that bothers me about what I've written. The characters just aren't emotional enough! I'll bear that in mind if I rewrite it.

Young Writers Society

Dream Sequence 2/5

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