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Fallen Soul-Prologue

by starryknightt


He kissed her feverish brow as the world around him seemed to burn. The girl’s eyes closed, her frail body was sizzling hot and damp with sweat. Her thin cotton nightgown stuck to her body, platinum hair curled and plastered to her neck and forehead. She breathed quickly, her chest rising and falling jerkily.

His hands shook.

He always remembered before she did. While everything else was random, this was the one thing that his punishment seemed to always get right. The first time he found himself caught in her bottomless blue eyes it would all come back to him, a flood rushing past a broken dam.

He was the first to remember. He was the first to forget.

Those blue eyes flickered open, lids heavy. Her hand tightened in his. “Come closer,” she rasped. Her chapped lips trembled slightly. “Please.”

He knew her time was running short, the same way he always knew when someone was about to die. Her edges were blurred and wavering in his eyes, like her soul was struggling to free itself, its light shining through her skin. Even locked away in the tallest tower of the Château de Coucy, the flames began to spread their poisonous fingers along the tapestries and paintings covering the stone walls. They were trapped. They were living their last moments in this lonely tower, the boy with the sad eyes and the girl with the stuttering heart.

Blinking his stinging eyes, he leaned into her. His fingers found themselves wound in her thick hair and soon her own quaking hands trailed up his chest, his neck, and traced his jaw, coming to a stop and cupping his face. An involuntary tear tracked its way down his cheek, and she carried it away with a swipe of her thumb.

Their foreheads pressed together. He stared into her eyes, trying to memorize every detail, every quirk, and flaw about her. Maybe… maybe if he tried hard enough, thought long enough, her image would never leave him. The creamy skin, pink lips, and the way she admired the world around her with a sparkle in her eye and a grin playing on her mouth.

“Listen to me,” she whispered, eyebrows furrowed in worry. She took a shuddering breath and at that moment he would have given anything to keep her alive; his heart, his mind, his whole soul just to see her okay again.

“Of course,” he murmured. She was his princess, his queen. For a moment, he let his eyes close and breathed in her scent through all the smoke and anguish. She smelled like lavender, from the oils she used. Floral and alive from all the flowers she cut and dried.

“This isn’t your fault.”

Her words stole his breath. His eyes snapped open but he was left grasping nothing but air.


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Wed May 29, 2019 3:22 am
Agalvan13 says...



This prologue is very well written in a sense that it drew me in by the first paragraph which is pretty big for me considering my pickiness when it comes to a good starting hook. Overall the way you describe the characters is interesting in a good way! I immediately could imagine the scene laid out and it made me feel like I needed to know more about how these characters got here and why they are left in this situation. You wrote it in a way where it's hard to grab hold of what's going on but, it works that way and is probably the best way to write prologues in my opinion. Even though I want to know more I'm glad you left it short and mysterious.




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Wed May 29, 2019 3:22 am
Agalvan13 wrote a review...



This prologue is very well written in a sense that it drew me in by the first paragraph which is pretty big for me considering my pickiness when it comes to a good starting hook. Overall the way you describe the characters is interesting in a good way! I immediately could imagine the scene laid out and it made me feel like I needed to know more about how these characters got here and why they are left in this situation. You wrote it in a way where it's hard to grab hold of what's going on but, it works that way and is probably the best way to write prologues in my opinion. Even though I want to know more I'm glad you left it short and mysterious.




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Sun May 26, 2019 1:00 am
Gnomish wrote a review...



Nice!

This is exactly what I look for in a prologue! It is somewhat difficult to decipher, but you can figure it out, and it leaves you wanting to read the book.

One think I was confused about was the fire. I'm assuming they were trapped in a tower with a fire, but I didn't realize the fire part until about halfway through. I understand that you don't want to reveal everything at once, but it was a bit confusing.

Overall, great start, can't wait to read chapter one!
-Gnomish




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Sat May 25, 2019 7:57 am
Toboldlygo wrote a review...



Hey! Toboldlygo here for a review!

Overall, this is a well-written piece. I loved that it seemed to be provocative and turned out to be someone dying. I thought that it actually really added to the piece to see intense emotion that wasn't geared towards intimacy. That element seems to become more and more rare these days (everywhere, not specifically Young Writer's Society), and it was refreshing.

I actually think there could have been a stronger introduction and closing, however. It seemed that there was a very abrupt introduction into the story, and then suddenly it was there, and then suddenly it was over. It's a prologue, so that's not so bad, but it does make it harder to get into the story. The ending is just a little vague as to whether he's waking up from a dream or a flashback or some kind of telepathic experience, which would be nice to know.

I noticed Chapter One is out, so I'll take a look at it later. I think it would be helpful if you made a folder in your portfolio for these chapters only, so that people can easily navigate from chapter to chapter when reading. Just a suggestion.

Happy Writing!

Toboldlygo






Thank you for the kind words and suggestions! I will definitely keep them in mind. The folder is a great idea- I'll do that today. I'd love to hear what you think about chapter one!



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Fri May 24, 2019 8:57 pm
ArtisticForever wrote a review...



Greetings!

Artsy here to give you a review. Wow. This is amazing! Like seriously amazing, starry! The description, words, grammar, punctuation, everything, is amazing! That last part really hooked me. I'd love to see what comes next. Well, the first chapter is here, so I'll definitely go read it after!

Also, I love the description of when their foreheads press together... Thats so sweet! And you give a perfecr image of it all. I could capture every single thing! It's very impressive and I definitely think you should continue this. :D

~Artsy~






Thank you so much! I'm very glad you liked it. I'd love to hear what you think about chapter one!



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Wed May 22, 2019 11:57 pm
Dilbert64 wrote a review...



This is a good opening to your story. It leaves questions in the reader's head look like 'who are these people?' Why is the tower on fire?' And 'Did the man set the room on fire?' It gives just enough away that the reader understands what's going on, but still makes the reader want to come back to discover the rest of the plot.

There was also some really impressive writing in the story. The line 'The flames began to spread their poisonous fingers along the tapestries,' both personifies the flame but also gives you the image of flaming, malicious, hands tearing the room apart and burning it to cinders, which is very effective.

As for the overall story, it's a little hard to say since its just a prologue, but the chapter is certainly engaging, and the characters are sympathetic. I am interested to see where it develops from here.

It's a very interesting start to a story, you should definitely keep going with it.






Wow! Thank you so much! I'm very glad you liked it.



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Wed May 22, 2019 12:19 am
AliZombie says...



Wow, this is amazing, your writing skills are really good, you coud workon explaining things a bit more, that might make the reader grap the emotional effect more, but I recommend reading this!






Hey! I haven't seen you around. Nice to meet you.

Thank you so much for the kind words!



AliZombie says...


No problem mate! No, I am new here, you can find me on quotev tho at ZombieQueen, and yeah I'm into Zombies, thanks for the follow!




Carpe Diem
— Catullus