Fallen Soul- Chapter Two

Chapter II

It took me a little over a year to figure out how to speak again.

By that time, a thick fog settled into my bones, pinning me to my bed and making me cry waterfalls everytime the sun went down. The night was a battlefield, and the only reprieve came in the form of my best friend, Jade Rossi. She came every Saturday morning, and I often felt like she was the only thing tethering me to this world. Keeping me from being blown away into the peace of oblivion.

That was the thing about depression. It sucked the life out of you to the point where, even if you wanted to, you couldn’t find the energy to get up and end it all yourself.

“You’re wasting away, Indie,” came Jade’s voice. Over the past year her skin had gotten paler, the circles under her eyes darker. Her thick ebony hair had grown past her shoulders, braided in a rope across her back. Her mouth always seemed to be etched into a permanent, worryful frown. I couldn’t help but realize that it was my fault.

“It’s not my fault the food here tastes like cardboard,” I quipped with a small smirk.

Jade didn’t laugh. Her expression didn’t change in the least. “I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately.”

My chest constricted. Everyone was always worrying over me. As far as I knew, fretting over my life and conditions was a fast waste of time. I wasn’t progressing. I was never going to get better. This wound- this festering hole inside me- was never going to heal. “Why?” I asked softly.

She reached over and clasped my hand, her narrow fingers digging into mine. “I just- I feel like this isn’t the right place for you, you know?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re getting no social interaction, terrible food, boring white clothes. Indie! You don’t even get any guy action in here. I feel like you’re holed up and away from the world, when maybe you should be trying to get back in it.” Jade let go of my hand, biting her lip. “My parents and I were talking. We think… we want you to live with us, in the spare bedroom.”

I swallowed. “You guys shouldn’t have to deal with me.” I thought of Jade’s parents; her mother’s penchant for sweets and strict manners; her father’s love of cooking and thinning salt and pepper hair. Jade’s younger sister, Talia, came to mind too. Her nose was always stuck in a book, her charcoal hair always done up in new and elaborate ways. They were so happy. My presence in their household would only wreck everything. My past was a thick black cloud that followed me everywhere. I couldn’t let it into their home.

“Deal with you?” exclaimed Jade. “You’re practically a member of the family. You’re a sister to me!”

My eyes stung. “I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing, please.” Her voice was gentle now. “I miss you. My parents feel like you’re strong enough to come home.”

I blinked. “What?”

She smiled at me. “They’ve spoken to the doctors, and they think you should come live at my house now. Start senior year. Try to have a normal life again.” She paused. “And I agree. The world needs you out there, Indie.”

Immediately, I felt my heart race and my palms start to clam up. “Start high school again? You’re kidding.” A shroud of panic draped itself across my shoulders and it was hard to keep the trembling in my hands out of my voice.

“I know it sounds hard,” Jade replied consolingly. “It’s been a year. I know you’ve been doing school online here, but what about life? Going to prom? Hanging with friends? Applying for college?”

“I’m perfectly fine here!” I said, voice rising. I took a breath. “I just- I can’t be known as the psycho kid from the institution. I can’t face that.”

“What about me?” Jade asked quietly. Her brown eyes were wide and soft. “Do you have any idea what it’s been like without you there? You’re my best friend. If I didn’t think you could handle this I wouldn’t even be suggesting it right now.”

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. She was right. I knew she was right. This wasn’t really fair to her. The silence filling the room was thick enough to cut with a knife.

“Remember when we used to imagine what senior year would be like?” Jade asked me, her voice tinged with nostalgia. A small smile played on her lips. “We were going to travel the country this summer.”

I felt my heart expand. “With our boyfriends.”

She laughed. “Freshman-me was relentless.”

The conversation trailed off again and I sank into my thoughts. No matter how much I wanted to ignore it, some small part of me craved that part of the teenage life. The roaming and the feelings and the parties. It wasn’t fair for me to stay cooped up here. I didn’t kill my mother. That man did.

So why was I suffering for it?

Slowly, I met Jade’s eyes. I sighed. “I think you’re right.”

She blinked in surprise. “I- wait, really? You think you’re ready for this?”

“I think so.”

She abruptly stood up, dancing on the balls of her feet. She grinned at me. “I knew you had it in you.”

****

The next day, Mrs. Rossi was waiting for me in the lobby of St. Hawthorne’s Mental Hospital with a warm smile and a goodie basket in her hands that seemed to be filled with freshly baked muffins. Her curly raven-black hair was tied in a low ponytail at the nape of her neck, the fly-aways spiraling out of control with the rainy weather outside. Hazel eyes crinkled at the corners in delight, and I felt a cold place in my chest begin to thaw.

Her grin brightened as I got closer, the same grin that Jade was wearing now.

“Indigo,” she said, and wrapped me in a giant hug. I wasn’t sure how to respond at first, but slowly my arms wrapped around her soft body in return. Her clothes were silky and she smelled like snickerdoodles, all cinnamon and warm sugar.

She released me and I stepped back, a bit shaken. Suddenly I was extremely aware of my sweatpants and baggy white shirt look, complete with my faded hair and possibly the worst case of bad roots on the planet.

As if she read my mind, Mrs. Rossi lifted a silvery blue-green strand of hair and raised a thin eyebrow. “Want to get some dye on the way home?” she asked with a smile.

I blinked, jolted by her use of the word home. I tried to give her a small smile. “Sure.”

Jade came up beside me with a large blue duffle bag hanging on her shoulder, a green backpack draped across the other shoulder, and a small pile of blankets and a pillow in her outstretched arms. I quickly grabbed the blankets and pillow, but she insisted on carrying the rest to the car herself.

I followed them outside, feeling like a lost puppy. The California sky was smothered in thick gray clouds and light mists of rain were falling down on us. I welcomed the sensation, the cool feeling pricking my senses and keeping me alert. The crisp scent of rain had always been my favorite smell, with it’s earthy and fresh aroma blanketing the stench of fuel-exhaust.

The Rossi household was almost exactly as I remembered it, with its warm brown furniture and bookshelves crammed til they were bursting. Soft music sounded from the corner of the living room, and I could pick out the individual sounds of a string quartet. The trilling of a violin, the vibrato of a bass, the ringing of a lovely viola, and the rolling, soothing tones of a cello. The wooden floor was covered in a new rug, I dimly noticed, with a shaggy red and brown mandala design.

Mrs. Rossi set her keys and a few bags of groceries down on a granite countertop in the kitchen. “Talia’s at a friend’s house for the night. I figured you could use some uninterrupted time to settle in,” she said kindly. “You two can order pizza tonight, since my husband and I are going out.”

“Thank you so much,” I said.

“It’s no problem, dear.” She gave Jade and I a delighted look. “Just treat tonight like you would any normal sleepover.” She winked. “But permanent.”

I laughed nervously.

Jade grabbed my arm and pulled me up the stairs, steering me into her bedroom. “This is going to be great, you’ll see,” she said, pulling her curtains open. The late afternoon sun streamed in through the small window.

My jaw dropped. Maybe the rest of the house was mostly the same, but Jade’s room had changed drastically. Her normally bare walls were covered in an evenly spaced array of posters. Posters of every size and variety, all tacked up perfectly neat in only a way that Jade could accomplish. Scrawled band names jumped out at me: My Chemical Romance, Twenty One Pilots, and All Time Low were the only ones I recognized. Other posters proudly displayed copies of famous Van Gogh pieces- bright yellow sunflowers, swirling irises, and a rippling cypress tree. One painting in the corner caught my attention in particular. “Starry Night”, my favorite piece of art.

Jade stood silently beside me. “The paintings have always reminded me of you.”

I swallowed a lump in my throat and moved forward, trying to find some way to change the subject. I stopped, pointing at a small poster of a blue-haired girl with a spider crawling out of her mouth. “Who is that?” I asked, disgusted.

Jade snorted. “Billie Eilish. You wouldn’t understand.”

Rolling my eyes in exasperation, I turned to face my friend with a smile. A smile that did little for my quaking insides. “Do you think you could maybe…?” I shook my box of hair dye in question.

“You bet.” Her eyes gleamed as she took the box. “It’s time to get you back in business, Indie.”

I plastered on a smile for her benefit, but I found smiling wasn’t as hard as it used to be.