E - Everyone

The Sky Watcher: Midnight (part one)

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“Lena!” My mom called. “Hurry up! You’re going to make us late!”

“Sorry! I’m almost done!” I shouted down the stairs. Our church started at five forty-five in the evening on Sundays, and I was not ready. I went back to raking my WetBrush through my long, white blonde, wavy hair. “Stupid hair,” I muttered. I liked it much better when it was nice and short, but my mom wanted me to grow it out. I grew it out, all right. It’s almost down to my hips now.

I flung the brush into my closet and quickly did my makeup. My MP3 player blaring stopped blaring radio music in my ears; a man's voice replaces Sabrina Carpenter's. Eh. I don't like that song anyway. I quickly stop the radio, not wanting to hear the man talk, either. Something about a space rock. Boring stuff like that.

Lena Faith Rogers!" My dad shouted.

Uh-oh. I peek around the corner, down the stairs. “Yessir?” I asked meekly, my slight Texan accent coming out more than usual.

“Why didn’t you do the dishes when I told you to?”

“I—Er, I forgot…” I said, squirming. That made him mad, because every time I told him that I forgot something, he took it as an excuse to get out of trouble. My dad, Chris Rogers, worked as a police officer. You never want to get on his bad side.

He shook his head and sighed. “Lena, you have to be more responsible! You’re the oldest! This is the fourth time that you’ve ‘forgotten’ something this week!”

“Sorry, okay, I won’t.” I paused. “I mean, I will.”

“Well, you can do the dishes when you get back. If this happens again, you’re grounded from your books.” He glanced to the side. “Aaron, don’t forget your Bible!” Aaron’s my ten year old brother. Dad looked back up at me. “Come on, we’re about to leave.”

I nodded and dashed back into my room and into my messy closet. I snatched up my dark red converses and rapidly stuffed them on my feet.

After quickly checking myself in the mirror, I grabbed my Bible and my laptop and ran down the stairs, barely keeping myself from tripping.

I headed to our minivan and hopped in. As soon as I did, I opened my laptop and started to type away. Rowanna couldn’t believe her eyes. She had taken the long way to school; the way that passed the Dirksons’ walnut orchard and went down Marigold Drive. She—

“You’re writing something different now?!” asked my annoying thirteen-year-old sister, Harper, looking at my laptop’s screen. I tilted it away from her.

“For your information—” I began. “—no, I already said that this is the same book!”

“Seems like you’ve been stuck on page two for a really long time.”

I ignored her and resumed writing until we pulled into the church parking lot.

“Is there youth group today?” I asked Mom.

She looked at me with exasperation. “How am I supposed to know that? You're the fourteen-year-old.”

I was going to be a freshman next year. “Well, it’s almost summer, and you know that they take off then, so I wasn’t sure.”

“Go check. I bet they’ll be there.” Dad said as he grabbed his Bible and hurried towards the church. He must have something to do, I thought. Sometimes he acted as a security guard for the church or led the parents’ Sunday school, but I don’t know why he would have to rush to either of those; we weren’t late.

I got out of the car—after sliding my laptop under my seat…I didn’t like leaving it in the van at all, really, even though we always locked the doors—and headed to the big room where my youth group met.

Teenagers usually swarmed around the room, eating breakfast food, talking, and playing some games we had, like our arcade games, ping-pong, carpet ball, but today everyone was gathered around the TV. I spotted Taylor Collins, my best friend. She had long, light brown hair and unique gray-blue eyes with a tinge of green in them.

“Hi,” I called, walking over to her.

“Hey!” She replied, not taking her eyes off the television.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“The news dude is talking about a meteor heading straight for Earth.”

“Really? Did they say where it’s going to land?”

“No, they haven’t said.” She popped an M&M in her mouth and offered me some.

“I wonder if—” Suddenly, the ground rumbled. The TV and the lights blinked off.

“What was that?” One of my other friends, Violet, ran towards where me and Taylor were sitting. She straightened her baseball cap. “Sounded almost like an earthquake!”

“I’m going outside to see if a tree fell or something,” I said, inching out of the crowd.

“Be careful!” Another girl in my grade, Cassie, called.

I gasped when I opened the door leading outside. All around the church, deep fractures appeared in the ground, caving in buildings and knocking over trees. I backed away and hurtled through the door, slamming it behind me on accident when the ground shook again.

“GUYS!” I shouted. “LOOK!”

Taylor stared out the door, her face pressed to the glass. “What. The. Heck. Is. Happening.”

I heard the television glitch back on. “Get to your safe place! Take cover—repeat, take cover! This is serious—” It cut out for a second. “—unbelievable—” Static. “—shattered!”

With a giant crash, a chunk of the ceiling fell to the floor. The room erupted into chaos.

A second later, the ground rumbled again, much stronger this time. I felt something strange; sort of lightweight and a little dizzy.

Then everything stopped. The ceiling stopped crumbling and the ground stopped cracking. I looked around. People picked themselves up off the floor, looking dazed. I walked unsteadily towards the door, which is now hanging ajar on one hinge.

The earthquake stopped, I thought. It’s over.

But it wasn’t over.

I gasped.

Yes, the ground around the church stopped cracking.

But, on all sides about twenty feet from the walls of the building, the ground was completely gone.

I have been asking Berri about the Warrior of the Second Star. Berri, as always, told me not to meddle in business that’s not mine. But everyone speaks so highly of this fighter! And I believe that it is my business if they are to free us from the Nightness.

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User avatar
noridori
Review

i think the opening line is great, as it immediately set up some stakes. ‘we’re going to be late’ immediately introduces a sense of urgency. however some of the descriptions afterward slow the scene down again. you describe the character’s hair a lot. this can of course be great to create immersive scenery and help the reader paint a picture in their head, but if the details aren’t important to the story they can risk doing more harm than good by slowing the pacing unnecessarily.

i am also a bit confused as to why the dad would start nagging Lena about the dishes when they’re rushing to church? it does a good job of showing Chris’ character but slightly breaks the sense of urgency you set up in the beginning. maybe you could have this when they’re in the car instead, or change ‘dishes’ to something more relevant to this specific moment? maybe she forgot to sweep the driveway, or prepare something they were supposed to bring with them?

i’m also a bit confused, though this might just be me, as to why they would be eating breakfast if they were going to church at almost five in the evening? i’m guessing youth groups are at separate times and likely in the morning, at least on occasion. i’m not a church-goer so maybe just a line or two clarifying this would help readers that aren’t familiar with youth groups and such.

other than that, there’s a tiny grammatical thing where you changed the tempus with ‘It’s almost down to my hips now’, which is allowed, but doesn't make 100% sense here.

overall this was a really interesting read. i had to go and read the prologue and i’m really interested how these too seemingly different settings will come together. you’ve got me invested in the world you’re building. great work, keep it up!

This is a great story! I really like the plot and the way you show us how typical Lena's life was. I'd enjoy reading more! Here are some suggestions for your draft:

-In these few sentences '“Aaron, don’t forget your Bible!” Aaron’s my ten year old brother.', they might flow smoother if you say something like this: "Aaron!" he said, turning to my younger brother. "Don't forget your Bible!"

-Also, I feel like when the mom says 'you're the fourteen year old,' it's a bit obvious, not quite like real conversation. Maybe you could slip something in the argument with the dad, like "You're fourteen and still can't remember to do the dishes!"

-When you say "Hey!" She replied, or "Be careful!" Another girl in my class, the correct punctuation would be to have the S in 'she' and A in 'another' in lowercase letters.

thanks for the feedback! yeah, this piece is from way back when i didn't know how dialogue tags work, lol. oh, i see what you mean with the flow and all that, ill work on it! thanks!

No problem! Let me know if you wrote any more of this book; I'd be interested in reading it.

User avatar
Tikaya
Review
Tikaya wrote a review · Thu Feb 05, 2026 1:11 pm

Ah always happy to get to new Sci-Fi stories 😊 Hia starlight! I’m the Green Room Witch and your work has finally come up :3

And we begin with a lesson in dialogue formatting that I hope will serve you well! For in depth tips I direct your attention to this post: Punctuation within Dialogue
For some concrete examples, let’s look at this sentence:

“Lena!” my mom, Nichole Rogers, called.
Notice how I didn’t capitalize “my”? That’s bc “Lena!” is technically part of the “my mom called” sentence, ergo we do not capitalize words in the middle of a sentence. The same is true for multiple other sentences.
Quick question: Is it really necessary that we know the name of the mom straight from the beginning? Maybe you can find a way to more smoothly show that :3

Oh no, grounded from books! That’s a horrible sentence!!

I feel so called out lol: “Seems like you’ve been stuck on page two for a really long time.”

Also very relatable: “I didn’t like leaving it in the van at all, really, even though we always locked the doors“

Okay, so the prologue takes a little bit too long for my taste until something interesting happens. It would have been way more interesting if you could have mentioned the weird meteorite in the first scene when she’s still at home, so that we know that something mysterious and strange will happen eventually 😊

Also I am not sure why you end the prologue with this:
I have been asking Berri about the Warrior of the Second Star. Berri, as always, told me not to meddle in business that’s not mine. But everyone speaks so highly of this fighter! And I believe that it is my business if they are to free us from the Nightness.
It isn’t in a different font and there is no clear break but this doesn’t really read like it belongs to the rest of the narration either so what is this?

Also quick question: Why didn’t you post the Prologue, Ch1 and Ch2 as separate entities?

Welll…. “Everyone over the age of twenty vanished“ That makes the names of the parents from the prologue even less important for the immediate understanding of the plot…

I would be more interested in what dangers the Watchers watch out for. 20-yrs-old vanish without explanation and there are floating island everywhere, so what monstrous things can even reach their island? And how are there enough resources on it to support them?
Wish we had gotten more abt these strange sightings and for how long they have been noticed from the meeting. Instead they sound like it’s a recent phenomenon. So why have Watchers at all?

Ok since ch1 also ends with a detached couple of paragraphs, I guess you mean for them to be somehow separated. Have you thought abt making this italics?

I like the wisdom in this line: “Cody can’t force your legs to move and for your hands to grab that food, can he?”

That exchange is very cute:
He mouthed, Don’t laugh if I trip.
I mouthed back, No promises. I wink. He rolls his eyes.


I am a bit confused abt how this society function. Like, can you or can you not choose to become any part of society you want. And if the Watchers are like super heroes why don’t more children want to be mentored to them?
And how does the council decide what each kid should become? Can you hand in formal requests and then hope for the best?
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Yeah, I wrote this a while back and did not put much effort into editing it before putting it on here XP so some of the grammar is off (like the dialogue tag thing that you brought up)

The end of the prologue and first chapter are supposed to be separate, and they were in italics, but I think that when I pasted this on here (it was on Google Docs) that it got rid of all the formatting for some reason %uD83D%uDE10.

And yeah, I was being lazy lol and did not do them separately; I'll probably do that.

I'll look into all the stuff that you suggested! Tysm for the review!!!

idk why it put a random line of numbers and percentage symbols in my comment...huh...

That's because yws review comments don't accept certain punctuation marks :(

Ah but why didn't you put the effort into editing before posting it here? At least reading over it once would catch the formatting errors XD

Ohhh that's why
Yeah, sry; I meant that I did read it over, but I read it over in the Docs app, copied it here, and didn't bother to read that one so didn't catch the formatting... XP

Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!

Shalt we commence with the wretched S’more?

Top Graham Cracker - So, Lena is getting ready to go to church with her family, but then, when she gets to her youth group, a meteor crashes into Earth, killing everyone over the age of twenty and leaving only kids and teens to run everything. The kids and teens managed to create an orderly, not “Lord of the flies” society, where for some reason, anyone who turns twenty disappears. Not only that, but there is a peculiar “Nightness” that watches over them all…

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Lena seemed to interact with Charlie more than she did with Taylor. I would like to see Lena interact with her best friend more, but I am sure that will come in other chapters.

Chocolate Bar - I’m impressed with what all of these kids came up with in only three years. I like that they are all fairly orderly and managed to maintain a society. I also like the dynamic that Lena has with Aaron, it shows the sibling bond they have…but where is Harper?? I hope Harper is okay! I also like how the strange thing is referred to as “The Nightness”. It makes it feel very creepy. ^v^

Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a very interesting first chapter into an odd world. I wonder what kind of adventures will happen to them from here on out and if the tragedy will prove to be too much for some (I think quite a few miss their lost loved ones) or if they will continue on as they do now. I guess I must find out in the next chapter!

I wish you a marvelous day/night! :>

Thanks so much for the feedback! :) I'll probably be posting the next chapter pretty soon, idk. Haven't been on here for a while XP



If a story is in you, it has to come out.
— William Faulkner