The Dark Sorceress had once called the Queen of the Greenlands a friend.
Never again.
Today, the Sorceress’s plan to dethrone Willa would begin.
The Sorceress strolled under the roof of the ancient stone pavilion known as Kilridge. In the center of the pavilion stood an ebony table with plush chairs. She dropped lazily into one of the chairs and sighed impatiently.
“Late to her own meeting. I don’t keep people waiting—as a real queen should.” She yawned, regally covering her mouth. “She’d better be here soon. This is such a waste of my—”
Hoofbeats interrupted the Dark Sorceress’s grumbling. A woman rode up on a white stallion; Queen Willa. The horse’s silvery mane glinted in the sun as the stallion trotted closer, its sleek body rippling with power when the queen reined it to a stop.
The Sorceress folded her arms. “Why have you insisted on holding a meeting here?” She eyed the stallion. “Nice horse,” she commented, greed glittering in her eyes.
Queen Willa pursed her lips, silent. Her dark hair swayed gently in the breeze as she tied her horse to a post and walked under the pavilion. She put her satchel on the floor and sat down in a chair across from the Sorceress.
“Amber, this is pointless. What reason do you have to start a war? I know you. Or I did.” She looked at the Sorceress, her brown eyes reproachful. “The old Amber would never do this!”
“Exactly.” The Dark Sorceress smirked. Unbeknownst to Queen Willa, the Sorceress was slowly drawing out a twisted, black wand underneath the table. She gave the wand a silent swish toward Queen Willa’s bag. “The old me was weak. The new me is strong.” Her face hardened and shadows crept across her turquoise eyes. “And I do have a reason. Revenge. The Evillands will rule. I will rule. You do not have the power to calm the storm on the horizon, Your Majesty.” The Sorceress spat the last two words like a curse, flicking her wand again. For a moment, the Sorceress glimpsed a faint, multicolored glow coming from under the ebony table. She glanced at Willa, but the ignorant queen had not seen the light. The Sorceress relaxed, and the glow faded.
The Sorceress barked a cold, mocking laugh and stepped out of Kilridge. She hoisted a heavy black cloak over her shoulders, pulled up the hood, and climbed up onto the back of her black pegasus, Nightshade.
“How was the meeting, Night-Lady?” Nightshade neighed. “Did you get it? Did it work?”
The Sorceress glowered at her mount for calling her the annoying name, then glanced at Queen Willa to make sure that she was out of earshot. “Yes. I have it,” she confirmed, smirking.
Nightshade pawed the ground, anxious to leave. “Great. Let’s go back. I’m craving oats.”
Suddenly, a floating bubble appeared in front of the Sorceress. A lady wearing a cloak that shadowed her face shimmered into view.
The Sorceress gave an irritated sigh and raised an eyebrow. “Yes, Oris?”
Oris looked slightly nervous. “We have a problem with the teleportation orbs, Your Majesty.” She bit her lip. “Another one is missing.”
The Sorceress growled, frustrated. “Why can’t you keep up with anything?!” Without another word, she swished her hand through the hologram and the bubble evaporated.
The Sorceress tightened her cloak. “Go.”
A heaviness seemed to hang over Kilridge as Nightshade took off for Shadow Castle.
The plan had begun.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Heyyyy y'all, thanks for reading this! I'm hoping to publish it, but it still needs a lot of work. Please lmk if you see anything that could be made better!
(Also, what do y'all think about the cover?)
Good afternoon ^^
After a string of poems, it’s time for a story :3
Oh that is such a cool line: “You do not have the power to calm the storm on the horizon“ But I also feel it sounds extremely threatening and that the queen doesn’t react at all to it is kinda questionable. Also there doesn’t seem to be any reaction at all, not even a goodbye? Did she paralyse the queen or turn her to stone? Or made her otherwise unable to recognize her surroundings anymore? I am kinda unsure what happened… so maybe you might want to make it clearer?
I like the idea that teleportation orbs are being stolen. They sound super useful and like you could have so many interesting plot lines with a thief that has them—for any reason: rebellion, selfishness… ohh it would be fun to see what this is all about.
That said, I feel like your writing could use a bit more variety. A lot of your sentences have the same structure, to the point that I positively noted: “Her dark hair swayed gently in the breeze as she tied her horse to a post” just because it is refreshingly different :3
I also think that the two characters presented in this chapter are too vague in a …not very engaging way. Like… we don’t even know what these countries are all about so why should we care about who gets to rule them? We don’t know why A betrayed B and why they suddenly turned evil and there’s not enough emotional language used to get invested.
The most interesting thing for me were the missing orbs, the previous part of the chapter was more confusing and a bit frustrating to me—since I kinda can’t really believe these two old friends would really talk like that with each other… I wish they were more specific. Like what kinda war did the sorceress start? How does this affect ppl? Try and put yourself in their shoes: old friends, now very estranged, meet in a place of the queen’s choosing. What would be the first words exchanged? And it really feels as if you just… kinda forgot to have the queen react to the sorceress last words. Because if the magic the sorceress used on her was in any way making her more compliant or …unreceptive or something, then the sorceress wouldn’t have to be careful abt being in earshot when she talks to Nightshade, right? So… yeah. What is the queen doing during all this?? @.@
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thanks for the review =)
yeah, im currently working on the sentence structure...ive gotten some other feedback abt that as well.
I didn't think about Queen Willa's response- or lack of one...thanks for pointing that out! I did forget XP
yes i was really excited when i made up the teleportation orbs lol. they tie into Chapter One!
I will def work on this prologue some more...
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the daunting S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Amber, the Dark Sorceress, wants to dethrone Queen Willa over something. It’s unclear as to why she is doing this, but it is implied that it was caused by a problem between them that escalated into something greater.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I don’t know how far Amber is from Willa, but I’m assuming it’s very far. I would like for the distance between Amber and Willa to be described more, but those are just my thoughts.
Chocolate Bar - I love how Willa and Amber talk to each other, I definitely get the sense of a strained relationship with them. I also like how Amber talks about her old self. There’s this sense that she is trying to make things better for herself, no matter who may be harmed by it. And if she is trying to make things better for herself, then will it work?
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, an intriguing prologue! I’ll be sure to read more of this story when you post it. I’ve enjoyed reading this and I can’t wait to see what Amber and Willa will do and now…
I wish you a fantastic day/night! ^v^
thanks for the feedback!
you%u2019re welcome :>