you wear pink blossoms
the color of sunrises
in your hair
you’re a humble artist
refusing to acknowledge
that what people say about your sketches are true
you have a beautiful smile
and hum songs
that get stuck in my head
i tried wearing flowers in my hair once
they rotted away instantly
as they knew i was miserable
i study the past
just not mine
as it is dark
and uncomfortable
and i didn’t truly smile
during the time
after that bleak point
in my history
and then i met you
we walk together
i’m not sure why
you want to be with me
of all people
but we talk quietly
i don’t think you know who i was
or if you do
you just don’t care
you are fascinated by
the music i listen to
even though
you have much different taste
i like you
more than our friendship
or alliance
or whatever
permits
but it scares me
how quickly
how much
you mean to me
one day
you put flowers in my hair
they didn’t wilt
you smiled at me
and told me that
i
am
a
good
person
and my heart shattered
and it healed
all at the same time
one day
one of us must leave
it is inevitable
because
this place
cannot handle
such polar opposites
of our souls
yours
light
and mine
dark
i wonder if you would miss me
but then again
why would
the artist of life
mourn for
the messenger of sorrow
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Hey, there.
Oh. My. Gosh. This is stunning and emotional and it's filled with such contrast and depth. The poets on this site just keep shocking me again and again with how beautiful and mesmerizing their skills are. And you are no different.
This poem might be one of my favorites. Extra points because it's not just images, it's an actual story, too. It's lovely, and what keeps me reading is the fact that I'm not only relating to the messenger, I am rooting for them too. The flowers not wilting toward the end only proves that there is hope for them yet. I believe it. I want to believe it for me in my darkest moments. I want to believe it for others in their struggles.
As much as I am rooting for the messenger as a reader, from a writer's point of view I will say the unresolved/unhappy ending is a nice touch. It leaves me wanting more, yet I am still happy with this poem itself.
Incredible job.
I can't wait to read more of your art.
-M
Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a review for you on this lovely day, I'll try and make this quick, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to do that.
Okay let's begin with the review.
So i couldn't see any spelling mistakes, but I did see some places you could put come punctuation in. No I wont go through all of your poem, but I will pick a few lines here and there and show you what I'm talking about quickly.
This is the first few lines I saw that could have some punctuation.
Now you can tell me if I'm wrong, but I think a comma should be put after blossoms, and a full stop after hair. I think by doing that it will help with the flow a little more.
Okay next one.
Okay this needs a little bit of work. I think a full stop should be put after true. It will allow your reader to take a little brake. I also think a comma should be put after smile, it almost feels like you pause there, and a full stop after head.
Okay so those were just things I saw that I thought I should point out, I do hope this helped a little.
Now onto the fun stuff.
Now the first thing I like about this poem, is the name, It hold such power when your reader reads it, it's just made me want to come read your poem, and I'm glad I did.
The emotion you put into this poem, was really well done. It really came across in your words, and I think it's amazing how you do that, because no matter how many times I write a poem, I can't do that, so well done.
I also thought this was a really cool story you told us, with such little words. So I do hope I will see more poems like this form you soon.
The length of your poem was really great, you didn't tell us to little, but you also didn't tell us to much, it was perfect.
Well I think that's all I can really say, other than, I really loved reading and reviewing your poem, and I do hope you will write more and post them on YWS soon. Never stop writing and have a great day/night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing this a fiery passion.
Hi starchaser!
This is a great piece - very emotional and just overall, I love it! I just had one little suggestion - the spacing adds to the effect, but it's a bit... overdone. Like, maybe instead of saying:
"Yours
Light
And Mine
Dark"
You could say:
"Yours light,
and mine dark."
It's just a suggestion, though! Again, awesome work, and keep writing great poems!
~Sivershade797