Cursed

I had been a witch before it happened, but now I was the most feared person on earth. Not just because of the powers I wielded, but the curse that was set upon me. It had all happen because I had been in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I was a demon. One that could make anything living be scared the moment that our eyes connect, like if a person was scared of spiders I could make them think that they were being drenched in them. The demon would have taken over me completely if I had not been so powerful, but no, the practices I did helped me. The forbidden acts I did helped keep my soul inside the monster that I was now.

My name was Athena because of the city Athens, that was where my parents met. I was your average eighteen-year-old girl. I had long golden hair and green eyes. My eyes which were once brown but changed after what had happened to me.

I used to have a great connection to witches across the world. But that was the thing with knowing everyone, news traveled fast. It was like high school, which I left, you tell one person a small detail of what is happening in your life and the next moment everyone knows. Now my old friends and mentors are against me. They believe that I should be dead. The only people who weren't against me are my mom and all my old human friends, who have no idea what is happening in my life.

Which ultimately gave me no hope at all but going back to my old life? And this is why I was now pacing down the hall of my local super store wearing sunglasses that would prevent any direct eye contact. This store held everything from china dishes to tampons. Not everything is cheap at this store but if you want to get something done fast this is the place to go. I had come here to get the basics that I would need for school, and that was clothing and school supplies, at home I didn’t have anything that resembled normal. I had a whole room filled with books that tell you how to make things like love potions and other potions. No way in hell could I bring books like that to a high school.

I first went to the school supplies section. I knew that if I went to the clothing section that I would be stuck there for hours if I had it my way. The store was basically a giant gray box with florescent lights. The school supplies section was two rows long and colorful. It hurt my eyes the longer I stared. I walked down the two rows a couple times before choosing some recyclable pencils, pens, heart shaped erasers, four new binders, and a new sharpener. I knew it was a quick process, but if I found out I forgot anything I would come back; otherwise I was out of that section quickly.

Next was the clothing section, which I knew would take long. My wardrobe at home was… decent. I still had regular cloths somewhere that still fit even though I had grown a couple inches in the past three years since I had been in high school. But I felt I needed more. Everyone thinks that witches are supposed to be dreadful and have hooked hats, but truly there are plenty of witches that are famous these days. Most of us however take either a liking for modeling or writing.

I came towards my first rack of clothing. I felt a little bubbly. Somehow to me buying clothing is considered a sport. If I saw someone with better clothing than me I would stop at the nearest store and get something better.

It sometimes turned out bad. One time when I was fourteen I maxed out my parent’s credit card, it had taken me five months to repay them but I was still satisfied. I still had the cloths that I had wanted.

I had been at five racks by now, and that had been enough. In one hand I had three different pairs of jeans. One was black, one was gray, and the other was bleach white. I had a couple of tank tops, a black strapless dress, and a double breasted jacket.

I knew that everything was going to fit me before I went to the change room. My intuition only let me down once before.

I dressed quickly into my first outfit, which were black jeans with a red tank top and the double breasted jacket on top. It looked like it would be suitable for high school so I added it to a pile that was stuff I was going to buy. I tried on the rest of the cloths and even though the black dress wouldn’t come in hand at school I added it to the pile too.

I then set off to the cashier. It was a busy store so there was always a line. I knew enough to expect it but it always got me. Once I got through the throng of people buying items and the beeping of the machines , I paid and then left the store in a hurry.

The next day I was going to school.

That night when I got home I quickly stuck the school supplies in a black leather sling bag that had an enchantment placed upon it, one that could make the bag hold more objects than it would normally. After doing this I went up to my bedroom.

My bedroom was basically what I had dreamt about as a kid. It was huge in size and had beautiful hardwood floor. My bed was an old one that stood in the middle of the room against the wall. It was also made out of wood. The items in my room that indicated that I was a witch were spread out everywhere. On my bedside table there were white candles and a book about potions and If you came into my room and looked at the wall directly to the left you would see iron words attached that secretly held a spell that was forbidden. Otherwise my room would probably look normal.

But it certainly wasn’t. If you went through the second door on the right then you would come into another large room that held everything that a witch would desire. I had an Ouija board, rocks, a billion spell books, and a bunch of spell books. Most of these books were in the middle of the room laid out to different pages. Ever since I got changed I had been doing research to find out what I was exactly, and how I could get rid of it.

However I had to keep a lock on that door now. I was only allowed to use magic twice a week. The rest of the time I had to act normal and resist the urge to take hold of the key attached to the wall beside the door. Well I wouldn’t be completely normal since I would have to be wearing sunglasses to prevent anyone from being scared to death.

The next door was the one to my closet. I wasn’t going to bother on going in there now. It was honestly like walking into a room hit by a tornado. My pajamas were already out on my bed so there wasn’t any need to be honest.

I set my sunglasses on my bedside table and fell into a deep sleep.

Comments & reviews · 4
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stacymcintosh Comment

Thank you for the reviews.

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mayendejoel Comment

you know what i have liked it very much ,it is very interesting.

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mayendejoel Comment

i like it but improve on your punctuation.

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Gheala
Review
Gheala wrote a review · Thu Oct 07, 2010 10:57 pm

Let's say I had a feeling I'll be getting a writer's block soon, so I decided to give a review. It usually clears my mind a little. So, let's start!

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I had been a witch before it happened. But #BF4000 ">(Your sentences are too short and you use too little punctuation, so merge the first and second sentences and put a comma before the But)now I was the most feared person on earth. Not just because of the powers I #BF4000 ">(wielded)wield… #BF4000 ">(comma, instead of the three dots. Dots don't usually make sense to the reader)but the curse that was set upon me. It had all happen because I had been in the wrong place #BF4000 ">(and)at the wrong time.
I was a demon now#BF4000 ">(Past tense and the word 'now' don't go well and are sometimes confusing, so scratch the Now). One that can #BF4000 ">(could)make anything living be scared the moment that our eyes connect#BF4000 ">The sentence is slightly redundant. What do you mean by making things be scared? Make it a little more horrifying or at least interesting. Something like: I could easily turn beautiful flowers to black thorns. Or something like that and also change the 'the moment that our eyes connect, because it makes no sense.). The demon would have taken over me completely if I had not been so powerful. #BF4000 ">(Merge these two sentences)But no, the practices I did helped me. The forbidden acts I did helped keep my soul inside the monster. #BF4000 ">(confusing sentence and slightly unnecessary. At first, I thought, 'what monster?', so maybe write 'the monster that I was', yet you're rushing into details, not to mention that they're foggy details.)

My name was Athena. I had been named after the city Athens #BF4000 ">(omit 'because' and make it '...Athens, where my parents...')because that was where my parents met. I was your average 18-year-old girl#BF4000 ">(What do you mean 'my' average 18 years old? and don't forget to make the number into letters). I had long golden hair and green eyes. #BF4000 ">(Merge. And notice that you used the word 'eyes' twice back to back, so maybe say: ...green eyes, which used to be...) My eyes used to be brown but they changed after what happened to me.
I use #BF4000 ">(used)to have a great connection to witches across the world. But that was the thing with knowing everyone, #BF4000 ">(two 'everyone' words back to back. So, make it something like: ...everyone, for they knew...)everyone knew what was happening. It was like high school, which I left, you #BF4000 ">(Using 'you' a lot isn't amusing for the reader, because we want to live in the novel itself)tell one person a small detail of what is happening in your life and the next moment everyone knows. Anyways #BF4000 ">('Anyways' isn't quite literary. It's too casual and it's way better using something else like 'More or less'. Something formal)now my old friends and mentors are #BF4000 ">(were)against me. #BF4000 ">(merge) They believe that I should be dead. The only people who aren’t #BF4000 ">(weren't)against me are my mom and all my old human friends, who have no idea what is happening in my life.

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I'm sorry, but that was all I had time to edit. Yet, I think you have the same patterns of mistakes in general.
Pay more attention to your tenses, because they must all be in past tenses. Your sentences are too short and I noticed that you rarely use any commas or other punctuation marks. Also, improve your grammar .
Hm... I'm sorry to say that your style needs some work and practice. It was too casual, as in a chat room or a simple talk in real life (sorry fr being too harsh) and you sort of rushed things. Meaning: we know nothing about who you really are, yet you started telling us things about high school and being a demon... or a witch. You told us that everyone wanted you dead, yet we never really knew how that happened. We want details, and it's actually possible to talk about how you became a witch in a whole chapter or even more. Yet, it was as if you're telling us the outline of your novel.

Write more and more and keep practicing. I was terrible in writing when I started, a few years ago (I'm not saying you're terrible, though) Start with short stories and try to write your novel slowly, after getting to know your character so well.

Have fun with your novel and read more books. Remember, writers write and they read- they always do.
Hope I helped and sorry for being a harsh critic.



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