Published January 10, 2011
The bell rings and the match starts. The guy I'm fighting is massive, 130 pounds. Against me barely reaching 120. He was undefeated with 18 wins. I had one loss with five wins. What was I doing boxing this guy. It was insane.
He hit my arms with a jab. I doubled that up then topped it off with a straight punch with my right hand. Only one of the jabs landed. He through a left hook landed right on my jaw. I began to throw another jab but before it could land he hit me with his right. I stumbled back. He swung another hook but a duck under it and hit him in the stomach with a right uppercut.
His hands lowed to his body and I landed two jabs and a right on his head. He brought his hands back up. He was about to throw another punch but I hit him with a power jab. He fell against the ropes. As soon as I walked up to get him he hit me with a jab and a left hook. I brought my hands up to high and he stormed my body with punches. I brought my hands down. He came back up to hit my head. I parried his right punch then struck him with two jabs.
I threw a left uppercut right between his arms and hit him directly on the chin. His head snapped. Before I could swing again the bell rang. We went back to our corners.
“You did good out there.” my coach said calmly. I could see his coach yelling is head off at my opponent. “You need to keep that jab in his face and you can get him. Also keep your hands up.” my coach continued. I just nodded.
My opponent and I stood up in our corners as the referee stood in the center of the ring. The bell rang and the match began. I landed four jabs on him instantly. After that I through a wicked right punch on his head. His head snapped so hard I thought his head would snap off. He returned the favor by smacking me with two jabs and a right uppercut. He dropped his hands for a slight second. As soon as I saw this I hit him with a jab then a right hook.
The hook must have been stronger than I thought, cause he dropped like dead man. The ref began to count 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8...9...10. As soon as he said that the bell rang and my corner surrounded me. There was cheering all over the place. I had just won my sixth fight. My first knock out. It was the best feeling in the world.
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140,859 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hi! Here to critique! =p
Well, a lot of people have already caught most of the mistakes, but i'll see if i find anything else.... mmm....
This was a very inspirational short story, and you had a lot of good pieces in there. It just needs to be cleaned up a bit, with more of a varying word choice, and added detail!
Sorry that I had the whole paper up there for a few corrections, but the whole thing got copied as a quote, so I was like, ah, what the heck. =p
Hopefully I was helpful! PM me with your questions!
-Tori =D
This is good, but quite short. But that doesn't make it a bad thing.
My suggestion would be to describe your opponent, all i got is his big. Does he have tattoos? Or maybe he has crazy blood shot eyes that flicker around relentlessly.
With bit more polish and description this would be a better story.
Also, the last line, "It was the best feeling in the world."
Describe the feeling he is experiencing, so we connect better with this momentous victory.
I've never read a story about boxing, and it was certainly refreshingly different.
Hello! Roal is here to review :]
What I thought was funny because I actually made a story about boxing too xD... well it's kind of MMA but yeah.
RED = Error/Mistake
BLUE = Add ( or not )
I don't know which tense you're using so I'm guessing past tense... tell me if I'm wrong.
That one jab must have been really powerful/fast to hit both your arms at once xD
Do you mean throw?
This might need to be rephrase because saying that his head snapped would mean that he died... how would you know that this head snapped? Like did it make a loud noise? Or did he literally saw his head snap?
Got to be a comma if it's a said action... though I'm not making it very clear.
Rephrase
EX. At the other end of the corner, I could see my opponent's coach yelling his head off.
It snapped again! This guy have a really strong neck! D:
I didn't really fix all of your errors but you probably get the point. I liked this story, it does have a moral to it, and that's why I liked it. For your words, it's always best and creative to use other words rather than hit or punch or etc. And don't always say jab, hook, or uppercut. Make the motion, make it so that we can imagine they do that. For the numbers, yes you have to spell them out, unless it's a very large number like 50934850934.
Ex. Uppercut: Ducking down, I pressed my knees upward as I stabbed my opponent's chest with my glove covered fist.
=3= somewhat like that.
I can see that you make a lot of little sentences, try to merge them or add a little bit more into it, because if it all does this: I fell down. He punched me. I fell out of the ring. ( That doesn't make much sense. ) It would be quite boring and repetitive. So back to what I was saying, use more words, if you use the same words over and over, it does look it's happening again and again ( which is true in boxing ).
Overall, it was good, but it can be better with improvements.
That's all I have to say, I hope this helped and now I'm going to sleep :]
This was a good short read, it was heart warming that a beginner like the boxer got his first K.O. and his 6th win and on such a big guy at that! It is a story about how anything is possible at any size and age, and that size doesn’t matter to a full extent. But hey, there was a few problems I had with this story that I listed below.
Oh, and It got boring sort of, you should use more compare and contrast! ha-ha, oh and the word Jab was way over used and it made me think of a being jabbed with a knife or something, just go through and change a few of the jabs to a different word, the word jab got really annoying.Sorry if I'm too critcal!
~Masked poet