Published June 24, 2010
Lost
lost between her arms
lost in her eyes
i feel.....
lost when i look at her
i feel.....
lost when i touch her
i feel.....
lost when i see her
damn am so lost am ......trying to find my way out
i need a map ............ no i dont need a map anymore
because
i found my exit ...... but i feel like she is my exit
i can't get out .... there is something previnting me from getting out ...... it's a feeling
i can't describe the feeling....
ooh i think its .......
no its not........
ya , i am sure its love.....
that feeling putted me in the straight way
that feeling was healing my sick heart
............ oooooh nooooooo
noooooo ..... i cant believe it
where is she
where is she
i hear a low voice
it says " your lost again"
i wonder from where is that voice from
searching .... looking ..... from where is that voice
i hear it again ....
oooh its from my heart
this time i will answer for my heart's call
that feeling is gone now
ya it gone
i am lost again , i am lost again
Written by me Huthaifa H.
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140,094 Literary Works • 672,998 Reviews
This poem was very confusing, try to write another word other than feel. Use synonyms in a thesaurus and try to rewrite it, it was a bit difficult to read this, but rework this a bit. Overall it was an okay poem, keep writing.
-M.
Haha that's what am talking about and thank you girl ^^
Hey SpyOh!!!!
My corrections will be in Red
My likes in Purple
My dislikes in Green
Hahahahahaha!!!!!! If you didn't notice, I liked ALL of it!!!
wow.
My favorite line is:
i feel....
lost when I see her
Oh my gosh that was beautiful!!! I wish every boy wrote poetry like that!!!!
CHOW FOR NOW,
sionarama
Thank you and i will be careful next time , Today i started to write a new thing i hope you like it
Because English isn't your first language my first review will to help you with that. All changes will be in bold. You also might want to use a program like Microsoft word. They usually can catch the small problems you have.
You repeat the word lost a lot, it kind of gets annoying. That is my biggest complaint. I see that you do not have ANY reviews. A review needs to be at least 150 characters. You will see your Character count at the bottom of your screen when you are replying to someone, editing your post, or making a new post. You will get more reviews if you review more people.
Welcome to the site
A. S.
It's ok
Oh, sorry
Snoink ... thank you and please move it
skutter11: thanks man and excuse me for my bad English because its not my mother tongue
This is quite a confusing poem, with all of it's contradictions and opposites, but strangly the structure fitted it like a glove. Just a little nitpick, "i" is in capitals, like "I". Other than that, it seems like a nice poem!
Hey Huthaifa!
First of all! I noticed that this was in "Other." Generally, posts in "Other" don't really get that many replies compared to the other literary forums, so if you want me to move it, maybe to a poetry forum, just bug me!
Anyway, one of the questions that I wondered after reading was how did you know you were lost? You keep on talking about your feeling lost, but you never actually mention how you were lost. I think this little bit of information would do wonders in making us sympathize with your narrator and make us realize how lost he was.
Just a thought! I liked it overall... the repetition made me happy.