Published July 2, 2010
Everyday is a new struggle
Everyday is a new battle
Everyday I am in a new trouble
Everyday I have to collect my destroyed life rubbles
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Everyday I have to pay..... My life Debt
Everyday I have to say..... My life is not for rent
Everyday I have pray.... please GOD i want my life kept
Everyday I have to stay.... away from making my life drift
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Everyday I remember.... how I was like amber
Everyday I remember..... How I was like a dumber
Everyday I remember.... that gray jumper .... that keeps getting cumber
Everyday I remember.... how i turned into a somber
Everyday I remember.... how i turned into an ember
Everyday I remember..... how this life changed me .... Destroyed me.... Turned me ... and strong man made me
I haven't finished it yet I still have a lot to do in it
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141,264 Literary Works • 674,331 Reviews
Hi, the first thing I want to say is I like the poem. Keep that in mind as you read the review. The second thing I would like to say is if I repeat something the other reviews said sorry, I haven't read them. Also, just a side note, I think some of the "Everyday"s should be: Every day...
a
The first problem that popped out at me was that your rhyming scheme is all over the place. Right now it is:
Spoiler
b
a
a
c
c
c
d .... you get my point.
I can also feel you struggling to just keep the rhyme. I can feel you pause trying to think of a rhyming word and how you can work it in. That is not good. Some of the phrases you use are obviously forced. (Everyday I have pray.... please GOD i want my life kept)
I can see what the person is feeling, but you keep telling me things. I get how you want to make rhythm with the "Everyday I"s. But I would like to see imagery. Body language can tell a reader a lot when it is described right. If I were you I would try to show not tell.
The last stanza confused me a bit. After that I wasn't sure what was happening. It made me think of someone who had overcome being made fun of (or some other such thing), while the other stanzas made me think of someone who was still struggling to deal with her/his problems. I don't know....
Hope I helped,
A. S.
P.S. It needs some grammar, but I can't help you with that right now.
PPS. Hey, just looking over the poem again and I realized you are new. Welcome to YWS.
Wow, I really loved reading this! I actually loved how you set it up with the lines and the extra dots
My only complaint is that the last stanza made no sense, whatsoever to me. Sorry! but the rest was truly great. I hope you finish this soon! Let me know if you make revisions? 
Hey spy0h, nice poem!
Just a quick reminder before I review, that every post you make you are advised to make 2 reviews. Just something that keeps YWS in check. I have this problem too, don't worry!
So, the poem.
First of all, add commas or periods!
For example:
Now, as for this:
This just doesn't work for me. Firstly, make rubbles singular, not plural. Secondly, get rid of "destroyed" and make "life" possessive.
For example:
In my opinion this sounds much better.
Okay, so for this. Commas, periods, and exclamation points I added in in BOLD. Change the first "life" to "life's." I like the sound of an exclamation point after "rent," so I put that in. Capitalize the "I" after "GOD" (by the way, why is this all CAPS?). And lastly, change the making to letting. It sounds more uncontrollable.
I don't get this...It may be just me, haha, or it may just not make sense. Think about that. Is amber supposed to be a name? If so please capitalize, but otherwise explain please!
"like a dumber"? Again, makes no sense. Feel free to explain! (Also, put commas and periods after these!)
This just needs an "ed" at the end of "cumber."
Here, capitalize the "I"s, get rid of the "turned into a" and replace with "became", it sounds better, and add periods and commas! Also "turned me" doesn't really work for me, but do find something else to put in its place! And don't forget to put a period at the end
Good poem though, and I'm eager to see more of it