z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

2 am thoughts

by spunkyspacekitty


the fluorescent lights
flick, flick, buzz...
starch white
on concrete slabs
drip...drip...
remnants of
the moon's tears
drip...drip...
cruel bench
dewy and wet
droplets illuminated
-blink, blink...buzz...
listless shroud
morning never comes
the eternal hour
flick...flick- buzz...


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
504 Reviews

Points: 33599
Reviews: 504

Donate
Wed Sep 20, 2023 6:57 am
View Likes
Liminality says...



I like this poem idea! The onomatopoeia here reminds me of static noise. I imagined the different lines being like clips showing on an old staticky TV and the noises happening as transitions between one clip and the next.

the fluorescent lights
flick, flick, buzz...
starch white

^ I really like this colour description for the lights, as well!




User avatar
57 Reviews

Points: 84
Reviews: 57

Donate
Wed Sep 20, 2023 2:35 am
View Likes
TheCornDogEnthusiast wrote a review...



Hello!
This is a nice little poem that reminds me of those late nights where you just stare up at the ceiling and think. The details of the poem are very well done. All of the lines are well detailed and the addition of sound is extremely smart. It makes it feel as if it is happening at that moment. The lack of punctuation or capitalization can be seen as being half awake or in a daze, too tired to put in effort, but I know that you put much effort into this poem.
By far the best line has to be, "listless shroud... morning never comes...the eternal hour..."
That line is so good because it describes what those lonesome nights feel like. This poem os very well done, and for your first one, I think you could be going places.

Approved by the Corn Dog Enthusiasts Association (CDEA)




User avatar
1218 Reviews

Points: 146290
Reviews: 1218

Donate
Fri Sep 15, 2023 3:17 pm
View Likes
alliyah wrote a review...



Hey Spunky! Here to review in honor of the holiday season ... that is Review Month! :) Let's get to it, shall we?

So I thought this was super creative and playful and the poem as a whole made me smile just in that it seemed to be doing something interesting and maybe was even being purposely obscure? I felt like I could parse out a few threads of interpretation but as a whole the poem didn't necessarily paint a singular narrative line or picture in my head.

I would interpret the poem as someone trying to fall asleep (because of the title) but being distracted by all the sounds and stimuli around them from the lights indoors and outdoors - something that I found very confusing was the final two lines "morning never comes / the eternal hour" - does this mean the speaker died, or maybe fell asleep? If they died, maybe the whole poem in fact is about death and the flourescent lights are in the hospital room while the moon is the glow of heaven's glory? I'm not sure if there's enough to support that reading - but it is where my mind went. Another interesting interpretation I had, is that maybe the poem is told from the POV of a moth or lightning-bug which would make sense on why the constant "buzz" is being talked about and why a bug may even mix up the moon and the light.

One thing I thought was neat was the contrast between flourescent light (which is normally a little hollow / manufactured / sterile-sounding) vs the beauty of the moon's light description - that's a compelling contrast there, and I think you could dig into that even more to really set those apart.

One suggestion - I really had no clue how the "cruel bench" worked into the rest of the story / narrative or how a bench could be cruel - it's an odd descriptor for a piece of furniture and then isn't explained or connected into the scene so is hard to picture and I found it a bit distracting.

Another suggestions - right now a sort of internal problem I see with your poem is that I have no idea how the different descriptions connect - are they happening in the same time, all seen by the same speaker, what's going on? the problem is that some of the descriptions are indoors and some outdoors so there's no implied connection, and that makes it hard to create a scene. I would try to probably lace these descriptions into a complete scene if you can to make a fuller more complex and layered poem for readers to interpret and interact with.

Right now your poem feels a bit like a page of different sketches -

Image


Each picture is compelling and interesting, but they do not connect together to create a story or a full picture of a connected scene / story / narrative / feeling.

whereas I'd love to see it as one complete composition -

Image


where each image connects into the next one created layered meaning and lending itself to painting one connected image / story / feeling / narrative.

I hope that makes sense! Overall an enjoyable, interesting read! Keep on writing!

alliyah

Image




User avatar
34 Reviews

Points: 2119
Reviews: 34

Donate
Thu Sep 14, 2023 10:51 pm
View Likes
ariah347 wrote a review...



Imagine how this came to be in the darkness of the night, such an incredible circumstance that adds to the poem's overall message, style, and haunting! After midnight, the world grows very still. They say nothing good happens after a certain time in the moonlight, and this feels very fitting for that phrase! I love the repetitive and similar use of "flick, flick, buzz" and "blink, blink, buzz." The line lengths add another ghostly element as the reader's heartbeat beats rapidly, and the images enchant and provoke an eeriness. Despite no rhyme scheme or pattern, there's a rhythm and flow within that beat and line length. This is vague enough that it can be interpreted into different visuals. Still, it is also specific enough that there is an element of familiarity and cohesivity of the spooky nature and themes. This is perfect for this time of year! (Yay, spooky season!!!) It also is pretty awesome that you could write this late at night focusing on onomatopoeias - who doesn't love sound effects?! Kudos to you! Wishing you well wherever you are in the world. <3




spunkyspacekitty says...


Thank you for the kind words! <3



User avatar
140 Reviews

Points: 13980
Reviews: 140

Donate
Tue Sep 12, 2023 4:33 am
View Likes
OrabellaAvenue wrote a review...



Hiya! This is Orabella here with a short review.

This is a really good poem! I love the onomatopoeia; it really makes me feel like I'm in this dreary place. Also, it took me forever to figure out how to spell onomatopoeia. 'Tis a silly word.

This kinda reminds me of a place I was once, but far more dismal and, I don't know. Evil. Okay, I don't know why, but it seems evil to me. Not evil, but...

Evil. (I totally make sense)

Okay, sorry for getting off topic. For thoughts written at 2 am, this is amazing! I truly did love it, and I'm sure I'd love any other poem or story you wrote, based solely on this spectacular work!

Please, keep writing!




spunkyspacekitty says...


thank you so much!




“Though lovers be lost, love shall not; And death shall have no dominion.”
— Dylan Thomas