Wake up...
The faint and unknown voice makes Lacy's eyes go wide
Wake up...
The tone starts getting a little louder and closer. Lacy tries to get up but is held back from the intense pain through her back; the only thing Lacy can move without a jolt of pain is her head. She looks left and right to only see a dirty rotting pine fence, the wind slowly whistling, and the row of fences leading in random positions. Lacy again tries to raise herself off the dirt slowly.
While being slow and steady, the pain is getting reduced and a little easy. She slowly moves forward through the hallway of fences but is quickly stopped by a dead end. She turns left to the shock of being introduced to a set of paths. She has the great idea to put a line in the dirt so if she is left at a dead end, she can retrace her steps, but as she does so, the line vanishes in seconds, making Lacy jump back in surprise.
there was no strategy in this maze, to only make a risky decision and hopefully hitting luck. the fences looked mouldy and damp; lacy could easily smash through them but held back the idea down to the pain still gripping down on her. Lacy stood back very apprehensive on her predicament, the background being nothing but pure darkness, the frightening scarcity of sound in its region
It was just fences...and fences...It never had an exit...It never had a significance...It was ju...jus...just wooden fences...
to be continued
------------------------------
In Lacy's battles of frustration, there have been a few alternative storylines in Spring Elk from Jagged Creek and the cottage, but the one that stands out as the weirdest and eeriest is It's Just Fences. This piece is a cliff-hanger story in which Lacy awakens in a cold, silent maze of fences; the sky is nothing but a black void, the floor nothing but a layer of soil with a slightly gritty surface. Lacy at first finds it hard to move and can only observe her surroundings by turning her head left and right. The sharp and prickling pain she feels running up and down her back keeps her pinned to the ground.
The heart of affection has many special traits aiding Lacy when she gets hurt, from high falls to close encounters with enemies. There are many diverse worlds. Lacy treads, some easy and some being extremely dangerous high-motored blades, and pillars ready to crush anything that tries to cross over; many dangers can throw Lacy off cue and make her dazed, more of a heavy headache than a burning or shooting sensation.
This, however, is not the case for where she is situated; she has now come to the realisation she is vulnerable and the heart of affection is not working its magic. The pain still lingers a little; she's still finding it hard to adjust fully. "I need to get out of here," she recites in her head many times while slowly raising one arm to lift herself. She uses the other arm to support her weight now, sitting up. "Ok, easy now," she said to herself, now slowly lifting herself off the ground. Lacy starts to take a slow walk down the path, looking forward and taking a few deep breaths. Some of the fences are a light tint of orange to a darker shade of brown. Lacy doesn't question it and continues on.
A set of fences comes into view, many thrown around in random positions. The alignments don't make any sense, some turning left leading to nowhere, others circling in on each other, trails stretching out into the distance. Lacy was stumped and confused; the decision was now by choice, having to pick a route and hoping for the best. There was no easy way to plan a route, an impossible maze to surely get lost in; she locked on to a path that didn't have many fences around and decided to follow suit. A great method of finding her way back if she gets stuck in a dead end or leads into another path is by dragging a line in the dirt with her foot, marking out points to track her distance.
A clever way to retreat back, she thought; she wanted to start off the first line but held the thought of igniting the pain again. She stood on the spot and rubbed her chin, thinking of another way. She leaned down to feel the ground. The soil was dry with small fragments of rock; it was cold and had a slightly moist texture. "If I take handfuls full of dirt and clump them together, smudging them in the corner bit by bit, I could have a way of retreating back."
The story ends abruptly, never knowing if Lacy made it out or if there is something unknown and hostile.
Lacy really is on her own with no option but to rely on her mind and look back at times. She could also be partnered with an unknown being, potentially out to assist her or hunt her.
It is really up to the viewer's perspective and thoughts.
LACY'S BATTLES OF FRUSTRATION™
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Good tension in this first story section! We've got a cliff-hanger! ~ Hope you continue on with it!
Appreciate the kindness thank you
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the possessed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Lacy wakes up in a place with nothing but fences. She doesn’t know what else to do but to keep pushing on and even then, is that enough?
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I like the recap but I feel like it also kind of explains what we’re supposed to think about the ending. We’d already be left in suspense with her just wandering around!
Chocolate Bar - I like that the fences are described as having mold on them and rotting, it feels like an environment where everything is decaying. I also like that you’ve mentioned the “heart of affection” which makes me think that there is something more to this world that no one else sees yet.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a rather unnerving story about going on and on in a world of fences. I have enjoyed reading this and I will be certain to read any other stories that you make. And now…
I wish you a fabulous day/night! ^v^
appreciate the feedback, thank you
yw!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the possessed S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Lacy wakes up in a place with nothing but fences. She doesn’t know what else to do but to keep pushing on and even then, is that enough?
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I like the recap but I feel like it also kind of explains what we’re supposed to think about the ending. We’d already be left in suspense with her just wandering around!
Chocolate Bar - I like that the fences are described as having mold on them and rotting, it feels like an environment where everything is decaying. I also like that you’ve mentioned the “heart of affection” which makes me think that there is something more to this world that no one else sees yet.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a rather unnerving story about going on and on in a world of fences. I have enjoyed reading this and I will be certain to read any other stories that you make. And now…
I wish you a fabulous day/night! ^v^
Hi, hello!
I like this idea, particularly the unknown voice getting closer while Lacy is unable to move, but the phrasing is a little awkward. "Pain through her back" would sound more natural as pain running through her back, and "held back" makes it sound as though something physical is restraining her. You could make this moment more frightening by describing what the voice sounds like or where Lacy thinks it might be coming from.
There are a few grammar and capitalisation issues here. It would be closer to There was no strategy in this maze, only risky decisions and the hope of getting lucky.
I’m interested by the fact that she could ordinarily smash through the fences, though, because that gives me a useful sense of her usual strength and how vulnerable she is here. I wonder why she acts quite differently here, though. I think you could emphasise that frustration more; perhaps she tests one fence, feels the pain flare and realises that the obvious escape route is unavailable.
Hm. I think this sentence makes the ending sound accidental rather than mysterious. A cliffhanger usually gives your readers one final development or threat before cutting away. At the moment, Lacy is still planning how to mark her path, so there isn’t quite enough of a change to create a strong final hook. You could end with the voice returning directly behind her, one of her dirt markers disappearing, footsteps appearing in the soil or the fences shifting when she looks away. That would leave the reader with a specific question and suggest that she may not truly be alone. That is always a fun way to end!
***
This is a nice read! I like the idea of placing a normally capable character somewhere her usual protection no longer works.
I do think you should consider clarity: there are frequent tense changes, missing capitals and sentences whose wording makes the action difficult to picture. The recap also repeats much of the original scene rather than expanding it, so I’d consider combining the clearest details from both versions into one story. I can’t say that I know your character well, either, so perhaps you could spend more time giving context towards her and her strength. Does she have powers? Is this a world that is more fantastical?
Cheers! Thanks for sharing, though!
Lipton
Thank you for your feedback. This was an early piece of my work
Must say my first thought when reading the summary and title kinda went “Yellow Wallpaper?” and “Backrooms?” so let’s see what it is actually about! :3
Who says that? Lacy? How does she know that?I feel like, since we are all getting to know the voice alongside Lacy, maybe you could leave out “unknown” as a description? If Lacy had known the voice, I would have expected a “faint but familiar” etc but “unknown” is… unnecessary :3
Uhm are you sure you meant “random positions” and not “directions”?
I feel like you are putting a wall up between us and Lacy. We get very little from her directly and sentences like “She has the great idea to X” make this separation between reader and Lacy more obvious? You are also writing in a vary passive style. Like “making her jump back” is much less immediate than “She jumps back in surprise when the line vanishes” – and we again get no thoughts, emotions or real reactions from Lacy either ^^°
I’m not sure what to make of the recap? Is this gonna be a published short story and you only showed the first part?
Join the fight! Write more reviews!
this was an early story i worked on, and I was still learning more about writing at the time, this is a cliffhanger story that leaves it up to the readers' thoughts