Written 10/5/23.
I wonder
What would have happened
If,
All those days ago,
Back at that lunch table,
Me asking that stupid question,
You in response asking
Who's my crush,
I had responded
With the name
Of a boy,
Maybe that one guy
Who I was friends with
Back then
Instead of getting
Defensive
And shouting,
No one.
Maybe then
We would still be friends?
Hi spottedpebble! Oh boy, what a poem! I’m excited to review. I hope any of this helps or gives insight into how one may perceive this poem. Let’s get into it.
Structure:
The short lines of this poem definitely fit. When short lines are used, it can reflect upon the narrator in their emotions and meaning of the poem. This “choppiness” gives almost a breathless tone for the narrator. They are trying to piece together this thought and the short lines give that effect of a puzzle coming together little by little to create the whole picture of the puzzle.
Meaning:
This poem shows the story of someone who is reflecting on the past and how they lost a friend. I was a bit confused in what or how this friendship came to be no longer. The whole poem is a “what-if” scenario. Are they wondering what would happen if they said a name instead of no one? Why did shouting “no one” deter this person from the narrator?
Other:
The word “stupid” being italicized in line 6 is a nice touch.
Line 17 being
, the colon at the end seemed off since colons are meant to be used for listing, block quotations of 4+ lines, or compound sentences.and shouting:
Hey-lo spottedpebble! A, here to write a donut review🍩 Wishing you well wherever you are in the world. Do-nut fret! We're getting into what I love about this first!
Here are some sprinkles °。°。°。°。°。°。 What do I love about this? Let me count the ways! 1) This poem is very reflective and has an overall good tone. It is full of regret and made me think about my own life. 2) There is no ambiguity here. When you read this, you really get the theme and focus. It is clear that there is contemplation over choices and their impact. 3) This feels like it comes from personal experiences in a friendship or relationship. I respect your vulnerability if that is the case. 4) I like the structure. The line length here feels intentional and more impactful.
Let's think about the "dough" or what could improve this. You could add some sensory details and descriptions. Let's dive deeper into the lunch table scene. What was the stupid question? Was it about crushes, too? This poem, although brief and offers a split second into a moment, could be enhanced by reworking. It feels like this was a quick writing that satisfied getting thoughts/emotions on paper in a hurry. There is a lot here that we can expand on: How would this relationship evolve? What else makes you question if you would
. What impact might that have had? Is there any other ruminating and reflection about the relationship? Expanding on these questions could further develop this.Still be friends
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