Night arrives.
Sleep embraces your mind
with dreams of candy and screams.
Stars position themselves in the sky.
While birds tuck in their little chicks.
Hunters, sneak out from hiding.
Creeping through branches and twigs, with the moonlight shining
bright. Tree's rustle in the wind, while flowers try to keep their petals on for one more day.
As the suns peeks around the horizon, night flees with the bitter cold.
Birds sing their song, people wake.
No trace of night.
What a sight.
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Beautiful write!
Hi sportfreak!
I don't think this line makes much sense. Who dreams of candy and screams..? I honestly don't understand what you're trying to say here.
Ok, for this part I'm going to help break this up properly.
There. Now that that is done, I can really critique.
I like the concept, but the imagery you use is too bland. The sun peeks around the horizon, moonlight shining bright....it gets boring after a while. We've all heard those terms used to tell us what the sun and moon do. Can you think of anything else that they might do, or look like? Light swelled over the peaks of dew-covered hills, or The luminous prescence in the sky set the dark, glassy surface of the lake aglow....
You know, things like that.
Don't feel bad, though. We all write something utterly boring once in a while. When you're writing, just try to think about how other people might react when reading it. Happy? Sad? Angry? Excited? Bored? Although we don't want that last one to happen, if that's the case, then just find a way to add an extra little spark in your work.
Big tip: thesaurus' help. A LOT.
Keep up the good work,
*anti-pop