Young Writers Society

Hello, friend!

To be honest, I wasn't sure I was going to like this story - I'm not a big fan of the post-apocalyptic theme, but then it went in a direction I was not expecting at all! Your story started out sad, then got really funny, and then became sad again, but I really enjoyed reading something so different and unexpected! Kudos on your creativity!

Now for the nit-picking...

[And so it did on a Monday afternoon.]
I like this sentence, and the use of description with the "Monday afternoon" bit, but I think it needs a comma to really kick up the drama. You could also turn up the drama by putting this on its own separate line:
"If this rule is not enforced, the community will collapse.”

And so it did, on a Monday afternoon.

“I still remember the day it happened as if it was yesterday."

[I still remember the day it happened as if it was yesterday.]
This guy is a little awkward... Too much use of the word 'day': "I still remember it as if it were yesterday."

[There was no water, barely any food, we the people were suffering and so were the animals.]
Another awkward sentence: "There was no water, and barely any food; the suffering was shared by humans and animals alike."

[The man began to speak, but people started to throw objects and rotting food at him.]
Maybe 'continued' would be a better word? He had already begun, especially if he had also listed all his ideas.

[Other men started to beat him, hours later, he bled out.]
Another awkward one, plus it's a missed opportunity for some great imagery! Try something like:
"More and more furious people came forward to beat the helpless man. The cracking of his bones was intermingled with the sounds of angry yelling, and as the crowd began to disperse, he was left alone in the street. The poor man lied there, unconscious in a pool of blood, until life eventually slipped away from him."
A little more graphic, but it paints a picture, yeah?

[Then one day a child walked up on the land and things began to change drastically.]
More missing commas, and I think this one could also be on a separate line for added drama: "Then one day, a child walked up on the land, and things began to change drastically."

[As the boy walked, flowers began to grow, trees emerged from the ground saying hello, music began playing, rivers formed, and other features.]
GREAT sentence, until "other features." I'd either wrap it up by saying: "...music began playing, and rivers formed." Or by readjusting the last bit: "...rivers formed, and all manners of other life sprang forward."

[Suddenly a small creature jumped on his leg and began crawling on him, he freaked out and started running everywhere, but he then heard a scream.]
Run-on sentence, plus you had just used "started running everywhere" a couple of sentences ago. These can easily be separate sentences: "Suddenly, something jumped on his leg and began crawling up. The boy freaked out and tried to run frantically, but when he felt something underfoot, he heard a scream."

[“I-I think so, I think you stepped on my rib and punctured a lung, but I should be okay, I mean I’m not squished.”]
Another run-on: "I-I think so, I think you stepped on my rib and punctured a lung. But I should be okay; I mean, I’m not squished."
Also, remember that every time someone new speaks, you need a line break

[“Yo dog, I really appreciate you saving my butt out there- please let me make it up to you by giving you this enchanted necklace.]
I'm not sure this bit about the necklace is necessary... He never uses it, so it just kinda seems like a big useless detail.

[The boy woke up frightened.]
I think it would be beneficial to mention that it's still nighttime... I was pretty confused when they all went to sleep again and then later they awoke in the morning, haha:
"The boy woke up in the middle of the night, frightened."

[I then stumbled upon this land and found you generous figures.]
"Generous figures" is super awkward.. Sometimes it's okay to use "blah words" lol.

[“Aight! That's a little sad, I’m sorry ya had to go through that! We will definitely help ya, we owe it to ya for saving our boy! But first what do we needa’ do?“ The Derps all spoke. “Oh my, thank you for your kind gestures! We must set rules and regulations in order for this to work. So let's get started!”]
This was pretty confusing, I thought the Derps said all of this. Here's a revision idea:
"The Derps all spoke: “Aight! That's a little sad, I’m sorry ya had to go through that! We will definitely help ya, we owe it to ya for saving our boy! But first what do we needa’ do?“
The boy replied happily, “Oh my, thank you for your kind gestures! We must set rules and regulations in order for this to work. So let's get started!”"

[A whole day went by quickly, playing and exploring their land.]
This whole paragraph was hilarious, but this sentence feels like it's missing something: "A whole day went by quickly as Patrick and the boy played and explored their land."

[The Derps were even looking for their long lost friend, knowing that he was gone forever because of what they've done.]
Not really *long*-lost; he's only been gone since yesterday. Also I'd probably change "they've" to "they'd" - keeps the piece in the past tense.

[He heard their screams and cries but he couldn't stop himself, he was filled with satisfaction knowing they were suffering like Patrick had. Finally they were all dead, he had gotten his revenge,and showed them the attention they craved so badly. He had one last statement.]
Great imagery, but you've got more run-ons. I'd probably break these up with a semicolon or a hyphen:
"He heard their screams and cries but he couldn't stop himself - he was filled with satisfaction knowing they were suffering like Patrick had. Finally they were all dead; he had gotten his revenge, and showed them the attention they craved so badly."


Sorry it's so long hehe. Overall I really liked this story! I might've liked to know what the Derps look like, and I can already tell you've got the descriptive powers to explain them, but it does add a little mystery to the strangeness to not know for sure.
Keep writing! I hope to read more weirdness from you!

-Bagel

Please feel free to ignore my advice it is not meant to hurt you or offend you or make your story seem bad or demean it. However brace yourself for impact reagardless of what I have said. That said . . .
1. What I liked
I actually liked how weird this was. It kind of went everywhere. I loved that.

2. Flow & Style
Alright so your flow wasn't smooth somehow. The start of the story especially. Somehow it doesn't seem right.

I still remember the day it happened as if it was yesterday. There was no water, barely any food, we the people were suffering and so were the animals. We did not have a leader, and were in complete chaos. Days passed. Then months. The population was `decreasing every second of the day, and we had no idea what to do. We were all confused, afraid, and dehydrated; the rivers were contaminated from our factories. Finally, one day, a man stepped up on a stool outside of our library and spoke.” My people, I may have an idea about how to save our land.”

For starters I think you should remove that we from we the people, as well as and so the animals were suffering. I think you can reword the first three sentences. It could go something like this.
We didn't have a leader their was no food or water and we were all afraid confused and we were all suffering. Days passed, months flew by, and the population was slowly dwindling.

Something like that.

2. Character develoupment
Okay so your characters don't seem to have a personality. Like they weren't well develouped. There was also a total lack of emotion or feeling. If you want us to connect to the characters give them something we can connect with-like emotion. Describe fear panic anger-or show us examples of their desperation. Also give them more background. Tell us something about where they came from.

3. Encouragment
This was actually pretty good aside from the above problems. You can leave this as is. Those are just my suggestions for making it better. Keep it up!

4. Overall
Over all I think this was weird. Reminded me of the story of the big and little dipper. Somehow.

Hi splatteringskelton21 Rodger here for a quick review all thanks to you
Firstly l whould like to congratulate you for writing such an amazing story.

This peice was eye grabbing, right from the beggining which is good beceaues readers want to have an idea of the story by just writing the fisrt paragraph. And most of the time only countinue reading if it sounds interesting for them.

You wrote the story in first vioce or fisrt person, first vioce or first-person writing immediately puts the reader inside the narrator’s head, which allows for an intimate portrayal of thoughts and emotions. you can effectively communicate how each moment feels; delivering sight, sound, smell, taste, and touch, all through the prism of your narrator. What they feel, your reader feels. your: fears, hopes,love, despair, all can be delivered to the reader directly and with maximum emotional impact.

Emotion I personally belive that in every story the must be "emotion", I mean writing somthing withiout emotion is like eating bread without butter" tasteless". so emotion is very important u use bit of emotion but l belive you could have done better.
You also engage the characters inviolevd" patrick, The derps and the boy" in a dialogue formation which was good.

The only critic if l should call it that is the lack of EMOTION I really think with a bit more of emotion this story whould have been more impactful, despite that good work. And remember to "keep on wrting"