Callie/Bulemia

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: This was a pretty fun little short story. Well no fun necessarily but very realistic and a lovely little scene from a family. It doesn't quite feel like its really telling us anything though. Is this a part of something bigger?

Anyway let's get right to it,

Callie Whittum sat down at the cracked, ancient oak table that dominated the Whittum family kitchen, ten minutes late for dinner.

“Callie,” Mrs. Whittum said, fixing her gentle, watery gray eyes on Callie’s bright, mascara-lined aquamarine ones. “Dinner was ready ten minutes ago. I told you to be back by the time the street lights turned on. Where have you been? I’ve been getting worried.”

Well that's a pretty gentle start right there. Nothing to exactly grab out attention per se but it is setting a lovely little tone here of a nice family setting.

Callie tried not to let her grin show. No matter how upset her mother was, she could never really get angry. “Sorry, Mom,” she said breezily. “I lost track of time at Emma’s house.” She giggled, thinking of how she and her best friend, Emma Reynolds, had been pigging out on doughnuts, cold pizza, and freshly baked cherry cobbler when Mrs. Reynolds had found them and freaked out–she had spent the entire morning baking the cobbler for a church party later that day. Then she had sent Callie home, ten minutes after the street lights turned on.

Well...not the greatest spot to put a bit of an intro sequence for that friend but not the worst thing that could happen. It still works out decently well with the flow.

“Well, you’re here now, and that’s what’s important,” Mr. Whittum, the peacemaker of the family, said, rubbing his shiny, bald forehead. He gestured to the make-your-own-tacos ingredients that were spread out around the table. “Help yourself. Its delicious.”

I approve of that meal plan.

Callie stared longingly at at the just wormed tortillas, crisp, mint green lettuce, perfectly round tomato slices, diced meat, and mozzarella cheese. It all looked so delicious but...her bulging, full to the top stomach reminded her that she could shove an inch more of food down her pizza, doughnut, and cobbler filled tummy. “I’m not hungry,” she said, sighing. “I already ate at Emma’s.”

Even with a full stomach you're definitely at least nibbling on something with a spread like that. Come on.

Callie looked down at herself. ‘Skinny’ was never going to be a word used to describe her, but she certainly wasn’t fat either. As her mother had described it, she was healthy for a tall twelve-year-old. She had a lot of muscle on her bones from playing soccer and softball, and doing gymnastics. Unlike her older sister, Megan, she had never really cared much about her weight. She’d never worried about what she ate, counted calories, or obsessed over carbs.

That is definitely a healthy sounding mindset.

Mrs. Whittum glanced up at the ceiling and then at her husband. She looked tired and worried. She studied Callie intently, taking careful notice of the curves her daughter had recently developed. “Okay,” she agreed. “But remember, Callie, you’re growing up and your body is changing. It’s only natural for you to put on some weight. It’s nothing bad. And if you ever feel like you do want to lose some weight, come and talk to me first. Healthy eating and excersize is the way to lose weight, not starvation.”

Well that's unexpectedly hilarious to see.

Callie sighed impatiently. She had grown tired of her mother’s relentless antics months ago, and now she felt no sympathy for her. So what if Megan had been bulemic and later anorexic for four years without Mrs. Whittum noticing before a counselor at Megan’s high school had finally called her up and told her that her daughter had a life-threatening illness. So what if Megan was now in rehab and had to rebuild her whole life again. Just because one Whittum girl had a problem didn’t mean the other did. And Callie was sick of her parents constantly bugging her and bugging her about it. Just plain sick.

Well at least they are genuinely concerned so you can't be too harsh on them.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a pretty fun little sequence that you've got here. It definitely sounds like a decent family. Anyways like I said it feels incomplete so you might want to think on that. And that's about all I've got to say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

Feel free to disregard anything I say. All are suggestions and you are the writer...
Okay. Specific line nitpicks first...

Callie Whittum sat down at the cracked, ancient oak table that dominated the Whittum family kitchen, ten minutes late for dinner.

Take out one of the adjectives describing the table. I would also try a verb other than "dominated." This is also a very dull opening. It doesn't grab me.

“Callie,” Mrs. Whittum said, fixing her gentle, watery gray eyes on Callie’s bright, mascara-lined aquamarine ones.

This is only the second sentence and I can already tell you have this thing with listing adjectives. Don't list adjectives to describe everything. Try different orders of words and vary your sentence types and structures--this'll help with this problem.

“Sorry, Mom,” she said breezily.

Take out "breezily." It isn't necessary.

She giggled, thinking of how she and her best friend, Emma Reynolds, had been pigging out on doughnuts, cold pizza, and freshly baked cherry cobbler when Mrs. Reynolds had found them and freaked out–she had spent the entire morning baking the cobbler for a church party later that day.

This is just me, but I don't like when characters giggle when thinking of something that happened earlier that day. I think it's unnatural and cliche. There are few people who would giggle aloud about this. The smiling is even pushing it. And I think her mom might comment on a smile or giggle. She is paranoid.

Mr. Whittum, the peacemaker of the family, said, rubbing his shiny, bald forehead.

We can tell he's the peacemaker by what he says--we don't need that. And the rubbing of the head is a bit random? It seems like you put it in just so you could tell us that he's bald. Frankly, I don't care if he has a head of hair or a shiny head. It's not important to the plot.

“Help yourself. Its delicious.”

It should be "it's."

Callie stared longingly at at the just wormed tortillas, crisp, mint green lettuce, perfectly round tomato slices, diced meat, and mozzarella cheese.

Take out "longingly." Watch your adjective listing...

It all looked so delicious but...her bulging, full to the top stomach reminded her that she could shove an inch more of food down her pizza, doughnut, and cobbler filled tummy.

Take out the ellipsis. I think it would be "full-to-the-top" and "cobbler-filled."

“Oh, uh,” Callie mumbled.

Use "said."

Mrs. Whittum bit her lip anxiously.

Watch for unnecessary adverbs. They tell instead of show. Like this sentence--Mrs. Whittum is biting her lip. What does this tell us? Well, it could be telling us she really wants to eat her lower lip. But probably, she's anxious. So you don't need to say anxiously. Go through your story and watch for this.

She looked tired and worried. She studied Callie intently, taking careful notice of the curves her daughter had recently developed.

This is just one example of telling instead of showing--you need to be careful of this. This happens a lot in your story and it is a slip-up only mastered after tons of practice. Think of how you can show that Mrs. Whittum looks tired and worried. Think of how you can show how intent she is studying Callie. Just try to use an original voice, and you can do it.

She slammed the door for good measure and the paused outside to listen.

For good measure? I don't believe that's why she slammed the door...

“Allie, it isn’t your fault,” Mr. Whittum responded.

Use "said."

“I ju-just don’t want her to end up like M-m-m-megan,” Mrs. Whittum blubbered. “I couldn’t protect one daughter from getting h-h-huurt, and I need to protect the o-o-other.”

Okay, the stuttering is too much. I find that really obnoxious on a page. You should use hyphens and ellipses in dialogue sparingly. Try "I just don't want her to end up like Megan," said Mrs. Whittum, stuttering on nearly every word. "I couldn't protect one daughter from getting hurt, and I need to protect the other." Looks better, right?

So what if Megan had been bulemic and later anorexic for four years without Mrs. Whittum noticing before a counselor at Megan’s high school had finally called her up and told her that her daughter had a life-threatening illness. So what if Megan was now in rehab and had to rebuild her whole life again.

Info dump! You need to spread this out. It's a lot to take in for two sentenfces.

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This has good potential. I can tell you have a lot in your head about this. It seems like you know a bit about this topic--but if I'm mistaken and you really don't, make sure you know a lot before this story is continued. You don't want to make silly mistakes.

Most of the problems I saw in your piece are only smoothed out with practice and more practice. You need to polish your style, learn to show not tell, and just learn the classic writing "no-no's." Once you've got that all down, this will be a great story.

Keep writing and you can message me with any other questions.