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I call this one 'snap when it's over'

by spinelli

Look out,

For there is a disconnected stream

Of nouns and superfluous adjectives

Approaching you rapidly,

Like a tornado,

Or a strike of lightening.

Like a really bad metaphor.

But, like, for real,

look out.

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Points: 545
Reviews: 2

Sun Feb 03, 2013 7:31 am
LiveLoveSaved says...

I love the humor in this poem. Nice job! I don't think that you should
capitalize the first letter of each line. Very funny. Nice work spinelli.

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1315 Reviews

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Reviews: 1315

Sun Feb 03, 2013 7:14 am
Hannah wrote a review...

Yup, I like your humor, Spinelli. I like your dedication to satire, but if this is a poem making fun of poetry, I am not going to be able to get behind the message. I guess maybe it could be a poem making fun of bad poetry, and calling it out, but even then, girl, it's not up to par.

You are saying: hey, poets. Don't give me disconnected poems with superfluous adjectives. Don't give me lame adverbs and weak similes, and understand, at least, the difference between simile and metaphor. Don't do that, 'cause that is what we have to be aware of. And least of all (according to your title), don't get so pretentious that you think you deserve the pretentious of all pretentious snaps.

I think you can do more, is what I'm saying. All I've seen from you are (hehe) nuggets of satire. Bits and pieces. Small bits that don't even get stuck in those weird spaces in between your teeth. You know? These are very basic, very simple things that most poets already know not to do, or at least any you'll deal with beyond young writers writing sites (ah, am I being too optimistic?). I guess, that said, it fits the medium you've presented it through. But I'd rather see more from you: something more worked on.

Anyway, lemme know if you have questions. You're my favorite~

Good luck and keep writing!

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892 Reviews

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Sun Feb 03, 2013 1:53 am
PenguinAttack wrote a review...


You kid are modern gold. What even can we do with your beatnik prowess when you show us this, but snap. I'll let my avatar do all my snapping for me, while I get into the meat of the business.

I'm going to take this seriously because while it is the funny, I also want to make it betttuuur. For your purposes, it is perfect, you've punctuated it appropriately so that each line runs like it should and this is mad easy to read. It, ironically is not at all a disconnected stream, everything connects properly and appropriately.

I want you to take away the capitalisation of every line. You don't need it, particularly when you're punctuating this baby properly. The line of capitalisation becomes even more obvious when I realise you haven't capitalised "look" at the end. Which now makes me think you were doing it for effect, or that you just forgot to do look. If it is for effect, I feel like doing it the opposite way around might work better? That is an actual question because if we're pretending this was on purpose (or even if it really was!) then it looks really good, but it might look even better if the uncapitalised lines were encased in the "Look out" lines. Bizarrely, considering poetry is often random, I love symmetry and order in that way.

I know the "like" used in the second last line is to fill in some pattern or connection with the other two uses, but I don't like it. More so, I don't like it with "for real" following, I'd prefer "seriously" after it, but that might be my contemporary contempt, who knows! No, I know, I just like the sound better. I don't like the "like" there because it does sound like... man. beatniks I suppose, and teenage girls. So you can keep it if you like because I keep having to remind myself to read it in the style it was intended for.

I know this is a funny poem and you made it funny because so far you're just a funny kid. And I like that, I enjoy the humour but I also had to take it seriously because why else would you post here and not on any number of the poetry threads? Maybe you don't know they exist. They totally do! Here in either of the two bottom forums. But in any case, I really enjoyed this and I hope my analysis and comments didn't throw you off.

Thanks for writing this, hit me up with any comments, queries or just to chat!

~ Pen.

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158 Reviews

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Sat Feb 02, 2013 11:22 pm
Veeren says...

Spoiler! :
Like a really bad metaphor.

I see no metaphors. You used the word 'like' every time you compared something.

Be that not the work of a simile?
For that, you get no snaps, but a very poorly executed review.

spinelli says...

Maybe that's the point?

VeerenVKS says...

... *snaps*

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695 Reviews

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Sat Feb 02, 2013 11:14 pm
Audy says...

*snaps fingers*

spinelli says...

Thanks, yo.

Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind