Published February 1, 2013
McDonald's: increasingly inescapable.
I ordered the usual, a small orb that contains ten highly coveted golden nuggets. Albeit I know not what the nuggets themselves consist of, I maintain a most suspicious desire for them. Even after a strong consideration of what happened last time [note to readers: see what happened last time], I proceeded with my seemingly ordinary circumstances.
I was ignorant. I suspected nothing of the orb in this occasion, as is most common among people and nuggets of the chicken variety [note to readers: may not actually be chicken]. So, in a most dramatic and exaggerated fashion, I extracted the orb from the rectangular paper apparatus and opened it to reveal a most alarming discovery. In this orb, this orb predestined by some unexplainable power to possess ten golden nuggets, there was eleven.
So it goes.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,525 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
Hi Spinell,
. Thanks for writing this! I did really enjoy it and I hope you give us moooore!
Firstly, I love your name because it makes me think of Recess and I LOVED Recess so hard.
Secondly, this is flash fiction and I love flash fiction! It isn't terribly interesting though. I know that you are not writing about a long, hugely image filled topic with lots of squiggly bits, but I still like to get a bit of a feel for the character and the setting. This shouldn't matter, but it does a little because I can't get into this bit of flash at all.
I appreciate this though, because it's a little funny and you've written it with an excellent tone and voice. I think that you do try a little bit too hard to make this funny. This will be funny regardless of all the extra words you're using here. For instance "most alarming discovery" just didn't run with me at all, it felt awkward and weird. Your bracketed responses are good, the first one is good. The second one is unnecessary because you've already said how the narrator doesn't know what's in them, you're repeating for comedic effect but it doesn't have any. The first note is a much cleverer one and I liked it a lot.
I think you'd do a bit better to end on "there [were] eleven." rather than the "So it goes." I feel like if you're looking for comedy, that's your kicker, your boom dish. I've put in "were" here because I believe that's more grammatically correct because of the plural nuggets already. But this is definitely where you should be ending - what are we saying "So it goes" actually means, if you keep that line? Is it like a "ces't la vie"? Are we just saying "Oh well, these things happen?" or "And so we continue onward"? because I don't feel the meaning here and even in comedy, we need some stable elements. This is one of them.
Again, I really quite like this, you're a funny kid
~ Pen.
Recess is a pretty bomb show, isn't it? Ha.
[In my last McDonald's literary excursion, I ended it with Eliot's famous "Do I dare disturb the universe?" It was an equally as useless ending.] I wanted to place a dramatic stamp over the entire mood, some enigmatic phrase that echoes within the minds of readers for them to consider on their own what deep and metaphorical meaning could have been intended by the intellectual writer. It's a joke because there is nothing to say because I really had nothing to say. 
Now, I suppose I should explain myself because I think people have a tendency to take me more seriously than they should. :/ What I mean is that I wrote this, as well as some of my other pieces, to strictly make fun of stuff. Often I see a bunch of words and empty metaphors, and sometimes I don't know if people even know what they're trying to say when they write things. So I thought, "what could be funnier than an extremely ordinary and boring topic being written about in a very generic and overly dramatic way?"
The interesting thing is that I agree with you on. You're EXACTLY right. There IS excess. And the annoying thing is that there's an excess of absolutely nothing. I mean, I'm talking about chicken nuggets. There's no reason for me to use words like "highly coveted" or "rectangular paper apparatus." It's a bag of crappy McDonald's chicken nuggets, and there happened to be an extra one inside it. That's probably the worst story line a person could think to write about. So naturally, I wrote about it.
The "So it goes" part is a joke. It's from Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five. Granted, I like Vonnegut a lot. So there's no fun to be poked at him. So what does it actually mean, in this case? I have no idea. That's why I put it there because it has no meaning at all. Neither does my story.
Sooo, I guess this means I did it right? :/
You totes did it right and I didn't take this seriously, but a review has to take things seriously. xD Its a solid bit of satire, don't you worry and I'm mad appreciative of it! You got chops, kid. etcetc.
Yo, Spinelli, you can't use "albeit" like that!
Look at this:
We use it in the second half of the sentence with a kind of an add-on or aside. Your attempt to use it was valiant, albeit incorrect. That's awkward, too, but that's more of the sentence structure you need to use it with. Just slip in "although" instead.
The rest of this is pretty golden. GOLDEN just like your chicken nuggets. I want first to congratulate you on your reward from the universe. It's a good day when one gets an extra nugget. I wish I'd worked on the line in my days at McDonald's, so I could slip in extra nuggets. But, alas, I was a front counter or back-drive assigned kind of girl.
There are some awkward sentences you might want to clean up:
Trying to read this through first I want to read a sentence like "I suspected nothing of malicious intent from the orb", so it makes me double-take and have to retrace my steps to get the real meaning.
First, it refers back to the last object/subject in the sentence, so right now you're opening the paper bag instead of the orb, technically. I mean, we get what you mean, but you can clear the sentence. I know you can.
ALSO! In you quest for hilarity you probably used too many adjectives / adverbs. I'd especially get rid of the "suspicious" before "desire" and the "seemingly" before "ordinary circumstances", though that whole last sentence is a little weird. Can you proceed with circumstances? You can proceed with actions, but with circumstances?
I love the way you write, so please keep writing, and let me know if you have any questions about my review through PM. Good luck!
Haha thanks. But regarding "albeit," isn't it still correct if I were to invert the sentence? Like: "I maintain a most suspicious desire for them, albeit I know not what the nuggets themselves consist of." I could be wrong, but that was my understanding. Truth is I don't know how I learn things...
You're right on about the orb thing.
On the paper bag... I'm guilty of a bad thing. Bahah, I thought about trying to clear that up, but... then I was like... "Maybe no one will notice." [heh]
And, I'm glad you mention the excess of adjectives and whatnots because I was kind of poking fun at the drama and excessive broohaha that I see a lot of people going for, especially when they're talking about something really simple and seemingly pointless. I mean, I'm a fan of the Romantics and all that nature-y stuff, but some people don't have anything to say about it. Like me. Right now. xD I actually wrote another thing over McDonald's [the obscure "what happened last time"], and I ended up getting a hilarious review over it. I like people, but they be silly sometimes. n_n
Thank you muchly though for your time and review! I love reading them and they're great.