Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Other » Mystery / Suspense

An obscure metaphor for something

by spinelli

McDonald's: my first mistake.

Then further, the consumption of it [of its products, not the establishment (McDonald's, not the government)] despite my reconsiderations.

I opened the box to reveal ten chicken nuggets, so they call them, all of which appeared to be reasonably prepared with a side of tangy barbeque sauce, which then prompted me to consider the denotation of the word "tangy," but I carried on. Then was the observation of two particular nuggets that seemed attached at the sides by a mysterious force, perhaps called "cooking," by a most minute area of the surface. I was intrigued, though more intrigued by the prospect of eating them, so I did.

Do I dare disturb the universe?

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
1315 Reviews

Points: 23536
Reviews: 1315

Sat Feb 02, 2013 2:26 am
Hannah wrote a review...

You know. When I was little I read parts of the third Harry Potter book before I ever went back and discovered the first book. This feels a little like this, as you might have noticed my comment on your more recent chronicle in the McDonald's escapades. I noticed there was a reference to something that had happened previous, but none of the links in the "related works" led me here. It is by chance, as fortuitous as the chance that led you to discover the connected chicken nuggets, that I am here at all.

So let's begin with the untangling. I like the intent behind the double parentheses, and that rhythm is totally necessary, but when you go completely absurd instead of just ridiculous, I think it weakens your delivery. So randomly bringing up the government without any possible logical path to that word makes it seem absurd and lopped together, when I know you can make it solid AND silly.

Next, that first sentence alone seems weird: "despite my reconsiderations"? Not only has it pluralized a noun that can't really be pluralized (but I do that all the time, so I'd be willing to let it go), it's weird to say reconsideration without first having an original consideration. Did you consider McDonald's and the quality of their products? Then later you'd reconsider and think okay, maybe they're okay. So I think that's just a bit confusing and would do well replaced with something like "hesitation" or "previous inclination to inhibition" or something equally as silly but less incorrect.

And last, your last line. What? How can you be asking if you should disturb the universe if you already did.

I'd say rearrange a bit, and put this lovely line right after "by a most minute area of the surface". Spacing it out to its own paragraph will still give it the lovely pause and spotlight it needs. Then "so I did" makes the perfect abrupt ending. What do you think?

PM me or wall post me with comments, 'cause I don't get notifications about replies to reviews and I don't want to rely on even MORE chance to see yours again. (:

Good luck and keep writing~

spinelli says...

Hey! For some reason, I'm just seeing this review for the first time. :P No idea why, but there's technology for you.

Anywho, first things first is I'm with you on some of my wording. There's a lot of puddles in this little anecdote, and I could definitely use a mop or something. I think you picked out some good points.

The only two things I should probably clear up are the government part and the disturbing the universe part. I brought up the government because I had just called McDonald's "the establishment." Often times people call the government "the establishment" to be all cool 'cause it feels like Rage Against the Machine or something. I guess I figured a person's mind would go to that like mine did, but I guess I might have to omit it haha.

And then the "Do I dare disturb the universe?" This here is a quote from the good ol' "Lovesong of J. Alfred Prufrock"- my favs. n_n I was honestly just trying to be an idiot here because, I mean, I'm excellent at it. I wanted to give us that abrupt "so I did" followed by a vague dramatic moment of reflection on- ah, what could be better!- the universe.
What does a nugget have to do with the universe? I dunno.
What is the significance of this nugget? I dunno.
And you asked how I can be asking if I should disturb the universe if I already did. Exactly. :D

User avatar
324 Reviews

Points: 15580
Reviews: 324

Wed Jan 09, 2013 12:45 am
View Likes
Threnody wrote a review...

Hello Spinelli! I was immediately drawn to this because I thought it looked interesting and I was correct in that assumption. McDonalds has been frequently associated with the dissatisfaction many have with consumer society. Also, the idea of corporations asserting control over the governments of many "developing countries" is also debated. However, unfortunately, though you warned me in the description that your "metaphor" was "obscure," I find this piece not to be "obscure" necessarily, but just disorganized and unsure of itself. Allow me to elaborate.

First of all, as a reader, I feel as if you wrote this for yourself to attempt to make sense of something. I have no problem with this, as that is a common and useful practice. However, when presented to an audience, leaving out details that are just *screaming* to be added is not in your favor. Your writing is very honest and your style is extremely appealing to a modern audience in general and I don't see why you can't use this style to attempt to get the most out of your commentary. I do get the impression of little breadcrumbs left behind to help me navigate through your piece, but for the metaphor to be so unintelligible leaves dissatisfaction. I get the impression, also, that you yourself do not know exactly what it is you're trying to convey as your ideas are so muddled. Even Kerouac, in all of his Beatnik literature, managed to leave a reader with an overall feeling that they discovered something. About the world, about the Author...etc. Thus, I ask you to consider what exactly you are writing about, who you're writing for, and why you are writing this.

Additionally, you write from the perspective of someone who is unfamiliar with some basic traditions of civilization. Do not do this unless you plan on exploring this more in depth. For example

a mysterious force, perhaps called "cooking,'

What are you saying here? Why would cause one to question the reason these are connected and why is the force so mysterious if people encounter it on a day to day basis? Even as a continuation of your metaphor, this is unnecessary as it only gets in the way of what you are trying to say. If you believe this is a vital part of you "metaphor" then make it so.

The government, the universe. Your beginning and your end. What do you mean to say by connecting the two? Is your opinion of the universe that it's as narrow as "the government." Whose government then?

In conclusion, I was, at first afraid to critique this as many "obscure metaphors" tend to be sparse on paper and survive in whole only in the writer's mind. I can see that you are attempting to make a statement, though about what I am unsure. I would love to hear what your intentions for this were though, so, if you are unsatisfied with my review, don't hesitate to explain yourself.


spinelli says...

Well, Threnody, I would foremost like to say thank you for your time and thoughts for this review. I respect and appreciate your opinion. I would then like to say that this is a work about chicken nuggets from McDonald's. Most importantly, it's a work about something really obscure and meaningful sent to me from the cosmos in the form of nuggetry. In a most artistic and overwhelmingly dramatic fashion I was assigned by the heavens to write this observation down, because Chicken Nuggets. However, it only makes sense that this important and profound observation was misinterpreted by other readers because, well, actually, there wasn't one. I made this all up because it's satirical. So... I guess that means I did it right?

The man who never makes a mistake always takes orders from one who does.
— Anonymous