This isn't really a short story but rather a possible beginning to a story. It's rough, written at 3 in the morning, and the first thing I've been able to write in the past few months. I just need an impression. Someone. Speaketh to me. Like I said, it's the beginning of a whole story, so not all of it might make sense. But just say what you think. Thanks, kids.
This is a story about clouds.
They float, more or less. They're fluffy and they float because they're clouds, and that's what they're supposed to do, I guess.
I suppose to most people clouds aren't such a big deal considering they're always in the sky taking some sort of form or another, whether that be cirrus, cumulus, stratiform, or in the shape of an old man's face.
I think people pay more attention to clouds as little kids because there's nothing else to care about at that age besides the color of their gummy bears, and that doesn't matter for long anyways because they really all taste pretty much the same.
But this story about clouds has to do with what we don't always notice about them and about what they could mean to us if we ever paid enough attention.
There's something about the way they move.
Nothing in this world exists so freely as a cloud, and I say that as a fact. That's because they appear sometimes in a crowd or sometimes on their own, and then they simply drift along as though they care nothing for where they're going or why they'e even heading there in the first place.
There's something about the way they disappear.
In this story, I saw a cloud cross the length of the sky. And when it finally faded, I remembered where I was. And I remembered where I could be if only I would sit by the window more often.
There's just something about the clouds that taught me how to breathe.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I like it. Unlike the reviewer above me I think that the colloquial language worked quite well, it offers that questioning feeling. That's a really good thing for a beginning to a story.
It's almost as though you're sitting with the reader telling them the story, some people will like this, but others don't like being hand-held along. However, you contrast this nicely with a dripping sense of 'abstractness.' Which again, offers that questioning feeling that I love at the beginning of books.
Just a quick, positive comment really since I have to go right now and I know I'll forget to come back and review this.
One thing I would mention is that, I hate to say, but in the last few lines my cheese-detectors started picking something up. I know you're going to go somewhere with this, but make sure you go down the deep and meaningful WITHOUT being cheesy route. Not saying that those last lines were anything to worry about, as long as they're not followed by too cheesy. This could be quite an interesting little tale.
~JCK.
Hey!
Right, just to begin with I think we should take a look about your writing style because even though it is good, some slight changes to this short story/beginning to long story, could go a long way.
At the beginning I was slightly disappointed, I mean, you where very much informal. I'm not sure that other people might agree with what I'm telling you but you didn't seem very confident. Phrases like:
I guess
More or less
Pretty much the same
I get the feeling that you aren't that interested in what your saying, so why should I be? These sorts of words are more dialogue words but I do get where you are coming from, just change or remove some of these words and it would be so much better and people will want to read on! Put more depth into what your talking about, explain what kids notice about them and dive into more depth of what you think a cloud looks like.
In this story
This story is about
Scrap it! I know it's a story and I know what it's about!
Also size, it was a little short, get deeper.
The last few lines where good, they captivated me. I got what you were talking about, if you dive deeper into what your meaning of clouds are and how you see them, it will be such a great piece of writing.
I love the idea and the slight Grammatical errors can be changed quickly if you proof-read. Other then that keep writing. It was good :)
Love,
Evenslily x
hmm.. i think this could turn into one of those life lesson kind of stories, your right something about the clouds, makes freedom seem like a possibility, it also shows the image of a new beginning, but thats just my opinion, so far i think its great, and please do let me know when you continue with this story, maybe one of those needed life lessons will come in handy. ;D