Published July 29, 2010
BIZARRE
BY LORD SVA-TANTRA
This piece is inspired by 'the heart interlude' made by Lady GaGa.
CHAPTER 1
"Do it!" she says, with her heart still beating in her hands. "Eat it Vataar."
"Are you sure?" I ask, my hesitation clearly visible on my face.
She smiles and caresses my cheek. "Please, I want you to do it."
"OK." I say.
I take her hand and swallow her whole heart in one go.
It travels down into my stomach, filling me with a strange warmth I had never experienced before. I feel a soft, serene joy as her heart beats inside me; I feel a certain new connection between our souls.
I hug her, tight, so close to me that even air isn't able to pass through. An overwhelming ecstatic love fills me making me cry.
She wipes away my tears and whispers- "It's my turn now."
I smile and give in to her.
With a large grin on her face she tears my clothes off and rips open my chest. She pulls out my heart and downs it in a single gulp like a marvelous monster.
Strangely I feel no pain or not even any emptiness, rather a feeling of freedom fills me.
We hug again, harder than before. Our lips meet, our tongues play and soon the taste of our mouthes become one.
With our bodies still entwined and our lips still hugging, we listen to the rhythm both our hearts create and slowly we fall asleep, getting lost in our world where there is no one else except for us and our love.
-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,348 Literary Works • 674,370 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well that is an entirely different level of love. I have no idea what theme we're working with here but something about this makes it appear as if this particular heart being eaten is not happening in the usual situation where something like this could happen which would involve a lot more horror rather than love or anything of that sort. I have to say this also really manages to snatch your attention as a reader because the visual of a heart being eaten followed by even the feeling of it passing into the stomach is just absolutely vivid and that is just not something you can unsee at all.
I
This ending here isn't doing too many things to get rid of that suspicion, I do have to say....cause well wow, this is just some genuinely trance like stuff going on there especially towards the end. The descriptions also just don't hold back at all with the fact that two people just ripped each other open and ate their hates before sort of dissolving into each other.
Overall, its certainly a very unique experience here that this story manages to give and I think you've created something I honestly don't know what to feel with regards to it.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I really like the idea of this passage, but there needs to be more description! They are obviously not human, so I want to see you explain that. What are they? How do they look? Describe the process of tearing out and eating the heart. If you put more description into this, it could be amazing! And, also, it wouldn't be so short.
The boy is more like the girl in this relationship. He cries whereas the girl doesn't. Instead, the girl - who's name you have not given us - is wiping away the boys tears. You can either just switch points of view and change every 'he' to 'she' and vise versa, or you need to man up Vataar a bit.
As I said before, this was really good. I just want to see more description.
Loveless~
Hi! I agree completely with NepoGirl up there. It was good yet it lacked description.
Points
- Be more descriptive really show us what is going on here and put a detailed picture in our head. But remember to show, not tell. That really wasn't a problem here but it is easy to start when describing things.
- Then, use that description to really pull the reader in!
My Random Thoughts While Reading
- Whoa, they're ripping each others hearts out... And eating them? That's awkward, I like that
- Cool inspiration, Go Gaga!
- I want to definitely read more.
: D
PM me when you post more!
- Caroline
You have a good outline and idea however this is missing several key components.
, Nepo!
First of all, it lacks description. How does the girl look like? What is her name? Where are they? What were they wearing? Try to be more descriptive with each scene as your piece is lacking some.
Second, it's short. There nothing wrong with it being a short chapter, but it's only around a hundred words. It seems more like a prologue instead of a chapter. Try to lengthen it with description, some back story, maybe how the two lovers were acting before they did... err... love making.
Third, it's very vague. It's vague and it lacks excitement. It doesn't have the spark that just draws me in a novel like Harry Potter or Percy Jackson.
There are some other small things that need to be tweaked but you can nit pick those out once you got the major three that's bugging me.
This has the potential to be great if you tweak it. I'm actually very curious on what's happening. It's usually the guy that pressures the girl into sex (Bell and Edward are one of the exceptions) and I like that title. And it's not because I named my fish that.
Nope, I totally lied. I was drawn to your piece because that's my goldfish named.
PM me if you edit. I really want to read more!
Lotsa