Published November 12, 2008
AN EXTRAORDINARY TEENAGE STORY
PROLOGUE
THE PREDICTION
The night was dark and moonless.Clouds crowded the sky.Down in the forest a trail of several men were
marching towards a common destination.They all wore bright blue cloaks.
They were lead by a tall slender man with sharp features, narrow eyes and pointed ears.He had a thin
but long white beard. He also held a torch with blue flame.
Now you must be wondering what was their destination? They were going to the temple of the celestial.
The temple of celestial was where the foreseer lived.The foreseer could see the future as you must've
guessed by her name.
Now back to the cloaked men.After walking for what seemed an eternity, the men finally arrived at the
temple.
The man who had lead them and was also their king, knocked at the temple's door as per the custom.
And quite eerily the door opened by itself.
The temple was made inside a tree, and quite fascinatingly the tree is still alive.
Now, the men's leader, quite fondly named ramerock by his dear mother, entered the temple first.
Inside the temple a mystical ambiance prevailed.In the centre the foreseer's throne, which somewhat
looked like a giant rafflesia was kept.On it the foreseer sat with a crystal ball on her lap.
Ramerock bowed to the foreseer and others promptly copied him.
In raply the foreseer gently opened her calm eyes.Her face unaffected by time, except a few wrinkles
here and there.Her face had a mystical glow, which helped to cover up the signs of aging.
Both Ramerock and the foreseer looked like they were in their 70's, but actually Ramerock was a lot younger
& the foreseer a lot older.
king.
A feeling of happiness was seen on Ramerock's & on all the other people's faces.
The Foreseer caressed her crystal ball & suddenly it burst into life & radiated light.It looked like a
small sun, the only difference was that it gave out many different colors.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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141,637 Literary Works • 675,289 Reviews
All right! I suppose, since you asked, I can stop a moment to review this interesting work. A few nitpicks first...
First, always remember to put a space between the end of one sentence and the beginning of the next! The description was okay, but it doesn't flow all that well. Try it something like this.
Not exactly like that, but it flows better. ^_^
Capitalize 'temple of the celestial', like this: 'Temple of the Celestial'.
When you say 'now back to the cloaked men', it just sounds odd. Maybe rephrase so it's less... ugly. There's other mistakes, but nothing a few more reviews and a read-over can't fix.
The Plot... And Stuff
It has an interesting storyline, but is somewhat damaged by the typos and the way you don't do dialogue right. Use these for dialogue: "
The balance is slightly messed up - at one point you're info-dumping, and the next you're not doing anything but what Ramerock says, what the Foreseer says, etc. Try to describe better, but don't give everything away.
Anyhow, I'd best be going. Keep trying - you're getting better already. =D
All the best,
-SELA
Hola!(;
First order of business - did you write this in Notepad? I remember I use to write in notepad and when I posted my work it would be spaced out like this. Consider taking out those spaces!
You should have spaces after a period.
Try combining these sentences.
I wasn't exactly wondering that. Possibly try taking that out and just state where they are going.
One sentence.
No need for this.
Three things;
1. This should be one sentence.
2. Never start a sentence with a conjunction (But, And, etc.)
3. "...as per the custom." <--What?
You already used 'quite' in the sentence before. Find a different word?
Once again, already used quite. Also, his name should be uppercased.
Should be:
In the center of the Foreseer's throne, which somewhat looked like a gian rafflesia, was kept.
Also, uppercase Foreseer since it's a person.
Reply.
No, no, no, no, no, no!
If someone is speaking, it's in quotes and it says ...", said Ramerock.
None of this <___> business.
(:
There should be a space after the coma,
and of course is two words.
No and symbols in a story.
CONJUNCTION!
Should be: Oh, Great Foreseer
What.
Story
I don't really see how this could be Romance but obviously it's here so it must be within the other chapters. Your story is sketchy, not exactly the best. Choppy, really. It seemed like a fantasy story.
Characters
You didn't give enough detail and background about your characters! I can't really say anything about them. Though, you should describe what they look like more.
Overall
It was...okay. It needs a lot of work! After a few touch ups it'll be fine.
hey!! well first of all hope your doing well. Now let's start.
Now you must be wondering what was their destination? They were going to the temple of the celestial.
This line it's just weird, you should take out "Now you must be wondering what was their destination?", It just sounds weird...
Now back to the cloaked men...???...You don't need this part, you can just continue talking about the cloaked men without this, It just out of place..
I also think that instead of using this symbol :&, you should say and, it looks nicer.
I don't think this piece fits as a prologue, it is just another chapter of your story.
I did like that you were descriptive in the beginning, I could imagine the dark night all creepy and cold, and I could also imagine the cloaked men perfectly, but as the story continued you stopped with the description, I wanted to know more of the Foreseer's apperance, rather than he only looked old.
Anyway, good job, continue practicing, it's a good story, and you have a good hook.