All right! I suppose, since you asked, I can stop a moment to review this interesting work. A few nitpicks first...
The night was dark and moonless.Clouds crowded the sky.Down in the forest a trail of several men were
marching towards a common destination.They all wore bright blue cloaks.
First, always remember to put a space between the end of one sentence and the beginning of the next! The description was okay, but it doesn't flow all that well. Try it something like this.
The night was dark and moonless, clouds crowding the sky. In the forest below, a trail of several men were striding purposefully through the underbrush, light blue cloaks snapping in the wind.
Not exactly like that, but it flows better. ^_^
They were [s]lead[/s] led by a tall, slender man with sharp features, narrow eyes and pointed ears. He had a thin - but long - white beard, and in his withered hand he clutched a blue-flamed torch.
Capitalize 'temple of the celestial', like this: 'Temple of the Celestial'.
When you say 'now back to the cloaked men', it just sounds odd. Maybe rephrase so it's less... ugly. There's other mistakes, but nothing a few more reviews and a read-over can't fix.
The Plot... And Stuff
It has an interesting storyline, but is somewhat damaged by the typos and the way you don't do dialogue right. Use these for dialogue: "
The balance is slightly messed up - at one point you're info-dumping, and the next you're not doing anything but what Ramerock says, what the Foreseer says, etc. Try to describe better, but don't give everything away.
Anyhow, I'd best be going. Keep trying - you're getting better already. =D
All the best,
-SELA
Points: 4125
Reviews: 194
Donate