Published April 17, 2010
Naked and cold
I lay on the ground.
Dark, black tears
from my eyes roll down.
I look into the mirror,
A stranger stares.
I try to find me,
But I am not there.
I cry in horror,
in agony and disgust.
Oh why did I ever
give into lust?
I go outside
into the terrace,
I shout and I weep,
My life's such a menace.
The city lights
in front of my eyes,
seem like hell fire
Inviting me to die.
I stretch my arms,
And I twirl around.
I jump and I dance,
to the city's sound.
I dance in regret,
I am lit with fire.
In me burned
the sins of desire.
I apologise to love,
And to my babies unborn.
I slept for money,
A sin I now scorn.
I collapse on the ground,
And finally I die.
No one cares,
And No one cries.
But look into the ashes
A phoenix arises.
With a pure soul
I am reborn again!
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140,613 Literary Works • 673,552 Reviews
I personally liked it, the metaphor of a pheonix reborn was pretty good in my opinion.
Don't take too much offence from Galerius, she has a tendency to be... how to say it... arrogant? towards anything she doesn't seem to understand. Though last time I was active on YWS (which was about a year or more ago) I could of sworn her profile said she was a he and she was 15...
well, anyways, I liked it, but you should probably put some more work into it, perhaps bring out the emotion more?
-Grimy
And by the way emo people have very cool hairstyles (I am not emo though
)
And why do people hate emo things so much?
I don't deliberately write it emo but it's just that I am very emotional, all my works are based on strong emotions (although they fail to convey that emotion through sometimes), so the emo thing just happens. But why so much disgust for emo things?
Some people say they like it, some say they hate it.
Hmm...so I am confused!!!!
Hi spike71294,
No. Whether or not the phoenix was a phoenix matters least here anyway. This thing wasn't going anywhere from the beginning, and instead of defending it so, you need to give it a burial and write something that has believable form or emotion.
So what you do here is introduce a typical emo action (dripping tears - black tears, nonetheless) and then immediate plunge into a deluge of self-destruction and whining. What exactly are you trying to tell the audience? That you're sad?
That literally seems to be the only message that's discussed here, wrapped in layers of pity and vague feelings of regret. The rest of the poem fares no better; I don't have the time to give a line-by-line review for this, but will draw attention to the last stanza:
What on earth is this? You didn't even... look, any and every poem has to rest of a backbone of some kind of story, however hidden you might make it. This has nothing. How and when did this prostitute regain life and hope? There's no way to justify the jump from over 10 stanzas of crying and vampire-emo-angsty imagery to a small shrivel of a conclusion that somehow gives her breath again. You need to go back and delete a lot of these extraneous stanzas that tell the story over and over, and expand upon how the transition occurs. No change in a human being happens spontaneously. Show that to the audience.
In general, this poem can't be fixed, and you need to start on a new page with another story. Make it about a prostitute if you wish, but write it so that the audience can believe everything the narrator's saying without having to suspend logic for too long.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Hiya
I honestly cannot understand why so many people are telling you this poem needs allot more work ect. I really feel this woman's pain and sadness, you portrayed her feelings very well! I especially like the metaphor of the pheonix at the end, its a great idea!
@Elinor I am so sorry for being rude.
You're still a bit young and it's absolutely ok if you misunderstood it.
I just got angry a little bit for the unnecessary criticism.
So don't take it seriously, I didn't mean to be rude.
I just have a very bad temper, my apologies for whatever I did.
You know, I really don't get the critisisms. This was a good poem, and the message was great, too. I thought the rhyme was off a beat or two in parts but overall it was a really powerful piece that I totally got the message and metaphors of. Nice, keep writing.
Hey Spike. I like the idea, but I was a bit confused with the first paragraph/stanza or whatever it's called. I like how it was written, it was truly powerful, but it made me think that she was a rape victim at first. Also, I believe you're only supposed to capitalize the beginning of sentences in poetry too. Overall, a job well done. *likes*
-Crescent
Hey there!
This poem I just find really dramatic and annoying; and to get to the point, I hate it.
I see what you are trying to do, but this just seems very immature. Plus it just seems like you are talking about being a prostitute...and trying to teach a lesson? But I truly don't know.
All I will say is this need lots of work.
PM me for questions and help.
@Elinor
Please try to read and understand the poem properly before making such comments about the poem and especially rating me.
The phoenix was a metaphor.
This poem is about a prostitute who realizes what she has done and decides to change.
She vents out her feelings by dancing and by the end she is reformed, kinda like a new birth for her.
The phoenix was a metaphor! Gosh people can be dumb!
I thought this was a very good poem. I got the metaphor and I really could feel the pain in sadness in it. Also, this had fantastic imagery in it!
This is the viewpoint of a Phoenix? I thought that was metaphorical!
*LIKED* This was very deep, there was one grammar mistake: gave should be give. I think you could explore the sleeping for money thing. Was it to help someone or was she greedy? Also, how did she die? I know this isn't Narrative but you could have explored that. Don't just write Lyric, incorporate Dramatic and Narrative elements too, as you have done. Then also, why is this in lyric? Lyric - Wishes, joys, sorrows, hopes of the author... Sorry? Rather take it to Dramatic.
Fly On.
Hero.
Hi!
So, I liked what you were trying to do with this poem. It was a wholly original idea! It's tough to write from the viewpoint of a animal!
However, I don't think you did such a good job. Although it's clear when animals understand something, they think and behave much differently. I didn't even know you were writing from the viewpoint of a phoenix until the very last stanza. He sounded too much like a human. Because he can't speak, he's only going to hear words his owner says. Therefore I don't really think he'll know words like agony and disgust.
Also, I wasn't too much a fan of your ending. Bursting into flames leaves so much potential, but all you do is show us. Are the flames hot? How much pain is the phoenix in?
When he 'dies' or fades to blackness, try to note that somehow, and like the flames-try to physically describe his rebirth so that the reader feels as if they're there.
Right now, it's mediocre. This poem had a lot of potential but it all seemed wasted. Fix your silly mistakes and really understand what you're writing about before you do so.
My Rating:
4/10
PM me if you have questions!
-Elinor xo