I wrote this the other night outta bordom.
-------
broken thoughts
shattered dreams
all torn away
at the seams
no one understands
no one cares
i feel so alone
no one talks
only stares
can't they see I'm someone too?
or is that to much to ask from people like you?
i just want to be accepted
i want to herd
i want gudiance of friends
to hear every word
but instead,
i was left here alone
as a figment of the past
left alone..
like a faded old picture
never ment to last.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
I'm gonna make one big, bold, statement about this: you need more depth. With poetry, we're generally told to read a poem twice before commenting, but the thing is, good poetry demands to be read twice. This didn't. Case in point:
To be perfectly honest, I was tempted not to bother reading the rest after I read this. It's just to predictable. Poetry should be wild and dangerous, but when being predictable you're being the exact opposite. Consider your own mind: is it really that simple? No, it's not.
I could say a lot more but I'm not going to 'cause I reckon you should get that message clear in your head first. Use subtle words, effective words ('broken' and 'shattered' are as cliched as it's possible to get), metaphors, strokes of language that make the reader really think. OK? Good.
I thought that it was a little cliché, but it was good. Make sure you capitalize that words at the beginning of each line, like:
Broken thoughts
Shattered dreams
All torn away
At the seams
Unlike the above, I'm not a sucker for poems like these :-/ It's the same thing you see every day... what makes this different from the tons of other poems written by teenagers? Not much. You need to "pump it up" xD I wrote this article that might help you figure out how to do so: Emotional Poetry.
Also...
That is just one part, but make sure to capitalize your pronoun "I". And gudiance, is spelled guidance. Be sure to spell check, grammar check, everything check before posting.
You have almost no punctuation, so I'll link you to another article: Poetry & Punctuation.
Eh. I'm not sure what to say about the poem? You might be new to writing poetry, my best suggestion is to read poetry. Even consider reading poetry on the site, and look at the critiques given so you can get an idea of what makes a good poem.
Best of luck! If you have any questions about something I mention, be my guest, and PM me.
yeah sorry bout that.
i'll watch that next time.
i was to bored to relize..
I really liked it, because I'm a sucker for 'no one likes me, i'm all alone' sort of things, because I'm emo like that
one thing I did notice was,
[but instead,
i was left here alone
as a figment of the past
left alone..
like a faded old picture
never ment to last.]
I thought the ending wasn't very good, like you were running out of things to write about so you just slapped that down, so next time you write a poem remember, the ending is just as, if even more, important than the begining!
keep it up!!
-~~:BrookE:~~