I wouldn't move,
I couldn't breath,
I'd close my eyes,
So hard to believe,
I'd try to imagine,
How it went so fast,
Why didn't you say,
It wouldn't last,
And now it's gone,
Took me away,
My love for you,
Why did you play?
I lay here,
In the dark,
Leave the pieces,
Of my heart,
I guess it's true,
What they said,
There is no cure,
When the love is dead,
Watch my heart,
Turn to stone,
Cause you're with her,
And I'm alone.
But to be honest,
It was quite fair,
Because I know,
You'll never care,
A broken heart,
A twisted mind,
That's what you left,
More of your kind,
It takes the ice,
Of a stone heart,
To tear a pure one
Clean apart.
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140,730 Literary Works • 673,682 Reviews
Sis here to review for Review Day! Overall, this was an amazing poem, and I loved the entire concept of it! Alright, a few nitpicky things real quick, then I'll be off to review someone else!
First off:
I think you intended "breathe" rather than "breath".
The emboldened line messed up the flow of this poem a little due to how short it was. Perhaps you could add a couple words there?
I like the idea of long stanzas, but with the rhythm this poem follows, you might want to split them up so they're more spread out. It might make it flow a bit better.
This is a beautiful poem, and I thoroughly enjoyed reading it. I apologize for the lateness of this review, but I discovered this review draft from a Review Day long, long ago and I figured I'd put it to good use. This poem was spectacular.
Keep writing, my friend.
-Sis
Wow! This poem was great yet short! I especially love the message at the end
Very effective! I really loved the rhyming pattern, I dunno why it fit but it was just amazing! Your grammar is near flawless as well; commas in right places etc!
The only thing I think you could try is to use slightly more adventurous vocabulary; the words in this could have used a little kick to get them more interesting!
Overall, lovely poem!
This is an excellent poem. I'm not too big and two poems myself, but this was fantastic. How it slowly shows what really happens out in the world when you love someone but they don't love you the same/they cheat on you. Very well thought out, nicly written, and thanks for the entertainment tonight!
I have to say, very good job!
I liked how the poem slowly expanded its meaning throughout, starting very vague and then beginning to add in details of the feelings.
My one critique is 'it wouldn't last,/and now it's gone'. I feel like after the 'it wouldn't last', there should be a new stanza for the 'and now it's gone'. They feel like two different thoughts, and without a separation there the one stanza seems a bit wordy to me. Having too many thoughts in one section can confuse the reader, and make them have to figure it all out themselves, when they shouldn't because the meaning of the work is plain sight.
Other than that, well done! Continue to write more!