Eric

So after perusing the green room for something I felt comfortable reviewing, I came upon this. Now, as I haven't seen the original, I can't say as to whether you should bring it back, but it reminds me of a play I listened to the soundtrack of called "Fun Home"
I'd hate to infer on your relationship so I'm not gonna, but I'd love to read the original.

Hey! So it's Ellesegar... And this is amazing. The descriptions were great, I loved how you described her physical appearance.

In the second sentence though, you probably should change "laying" to "laid" It needs to be in past tense like the rest of your work. In the 3rd sentence, after Patrick, you need a comma to connect the two phrases. In the 6th sentence, you should separate "what" and "I" and it would be good to explain why she thinks he should be called Eric closer to that sentence. After infatuation in the next sentence should be a comma to connect the phrases. You should probably connect the two phrases you separated in the middle. I don't know if you meant to do that or not... This may or may not be a good suggestion for your work, but I would suggest not using the conjunction "I'm", because it would flow a little better. Make sure you use the right tense, (past or present; the same all the way through) and try using semi colons, they make your writing more sophisticated,

Overall, I loved it! Great title. It's the reason I chose to do a review in the first place; so greatjob!

~Ellesegar~