Published July 13, 2011
Tension
stares through me
bore holes in my back
catch the gaze
look away
let your eyes fall
to the ground
where no awkwardness defines me
sideways glances
where are your thoughts now?
drifting far away
as are mine
this tension making all the difference
~you may call me a dreamer but I'm not the only one~
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Hello spartacus,
The others have already touched on the vagueness and lack of precision crippling this piece, so I'm not going to insist on it.
What I'd like to add, though, is that I get the impression you kind of stopped here and there, left and then picked it up later to continue without reading back. The 'me' and the 'you' are a bit blurry, we don't get a clear idea how they're positioned (either geographically or metaphorically) in relation to one another, the sentences seem to stagger and trip over themselves then scramble back to their feet in a hurry. They alternate between too jerky and too rambling; try to find a balance between those two. Your lines should flow as they would in normal speech, or at least fit a proper purpose which is not found here.
Hope this helps. Feel free to PM if you want to discuss this or want to ask some clarifications.
Morning, Spartacus.
Normally, I’d bark about flow and word choice and all that jazz, but this poem has a very basic problem to deal with in that it’s very short and very confusing. Now, I understood it, but my advice is to shape it up so that others don’t encounter the problems the prior reviewers did. See their comments about confusion and lack of clarity? Those are legit comments. Look at what punctuation and capitalization can do to your poem’s clarity:
It’s still a very empty and vague poem, but it does hit some mark, at least. My next phase of advice is to expand. Give us a scene in which you experience these awkward glances, these judging stares. Give us something to care about instead of telling us what happens and leaving us without an emotion. This is poetry, so you should want to accomplish a general goal of poetry, yes?
So take some time with this. Consider what you can use as an image or a scene to convey this feeling of evolving beyond what others define you as. How have you grown out of it? How can others do the same? Don’t just leave us with nothing—that’s useless. I think you can do it.
Let me know if you have any questions or comments, and I hope this helps.
-Lumi
I see what you were trying to do and it's a clever idea but I think that you need to make it a bit more clearer... x
Hi, I'm Demoness and I'll revewing your work today!
Okay so overall this is just confusing... I'm trying to find the sense in it or the meaning but as it is now you have no structur and so the text doesn't flow. Put in some commas and dots and spaces between the lines and I think it'll be better. I also think you should spice it with some more imaginary and description because now it's just lines saying this, lines saying that and it doesn't really bring any emotion...
Good luck and Keep writing!
// Demoness
This was entitle 'Tension', and yet I felt no tension. It's too drawn out and there isn't enough clear imagery. While I think you could make it longer and the lines snappier, it was still quite good and I did enjoy reading it.
You need an 's' at the end of 'bore' (bores holes in my back)
Set the word "awkwardness" apart from the rest. I have a thing for formatting works differently because of the emphasis it puts on certain words. If you take a look at "My Window" (the only poem I've posted so far) you'll see what I mean. Emphasis on a certain word or phrase can make a poem truly impacting. Play around with it, see what works for you
Its a very good poem but might sound a little better if it was longer.I also like how it all works together to become a good poem...It some what lost me so I had to read it twice but I get what your getting at