heart break

Hi, Sparky! Welcome to YWS! I'm June.

Before I begin, I'd just like to throw out there that YWS has a 2:1 ratio policy, dear, which means that for every one piece you post, you should have completed two reviews prior to your post.

Anyway! So, your poem! I think I have a lot of [maybe] harsh criticism, so I might just... shred this up? XD

Anyway! Let's have a stab:

There are some things here that I honestly think are unnecessary. For instance!

My soul and heart dance in harmony/ to the sound of love

Running through my veins.

Passions of fire burn with desire [\] For you to be in my arms loving me the way I love you

But your heart is cold and soul hidden deep[\]Within your fierce walls

[s]For[/s] I cannot be close to you

As you will extinguish my fire of passion and love

And make the song of my heart cease to exist

you gave me the fire by letting me love you

But u took it away with your kiss

Side note! In the very last line, "U" should be "you", dear.


In this, I used [\] to indicate where I removed a line break. I think some of these lines will do better without the usage of enjambment, or line breaks throughout this. Remember the rules of grammar when you write simple poetry, dearie. Starting a new line could easily indicate a pause, or something else. When it is a full sentence, try to continue the sentence, or break at a part that does not sound awkward, dear.


The underlined here seems almost completely unnecessary. It's semi-repetitive, because you mention words like fire and passion again in this poem; I would suggest dropping the line, dear, and restructuring the poem around the rest of this.

To be honest, this is a bit vague. It's not a bad thing, but poems revolving around heartaches and love are really, really common, dear. So! In order to make your poem unique to your audience, give it something unique! Perhaps tell us a little bit more. Give us something a bit more than all the surface work.


Keep writing!

June

Hi! I’m octocoffee, nice to meet you. I’d like to review your work So! Let’s go, shall we?

My soul and heart dance in harmony to the sound of love

I think this is a great way to begin the poem! It’s a very nice picture in the mind. I like the personification of your soul and heart, and would like to see this extended, perhaps.

Running through my veins

Since this is still related to the previous line, I think it would flow better if you didn’t capitalize ‘running’. I learned from YWS that capitalization can be very powerful in poetry if you save it for the right places, so I’ve stopped capitalizing the beginning of every line of my poems. I don’t know if you would want to do the same, but it’s just a tip

Passions of fire burn with desire

I’m assuming this is a new section or piece, so it would be really helpful if you could add some punctuation here and there, so I know how this should be read. Also, I’m not quite sure what you mean by ‘passions of fire’. Do you have a passion for fire?

For you to be in my arms loving me the way I love you

Eep, could you explain this and some of the other lines more? Strong poetry evokes powerful images with a few, well-placed words. What you have here generates a solid idea, but you haven’t quite reached the point where you really impress the point onto the reader.

Within your fierce walls

The walls are fierce. I’m a tad confused by that. So do razors stick out from every direction, keeping others away? Or are they Tyra Banks fierce? That’s why it’s important to elaborate on ideas sometimes. While it’s good to be vague in a poem to allow thinking room, I personally think your work would be even better with a little embellishment.

And make the song of my heart cease to exist

Wait a minute…at the beginning of the poem, you said that the heart danced to the love in the veins. When did the heart become the song?

But u took it away with your kiss

Remember, it’s ‘you’, not ‘u’. Also, I get a little confused with the tense here, because you just mentioned that this person will extinguish the fire, but then say that it’s already happened.

So overall, I do enjoy the point you want to display here: that love makes someone feel perfect, but when the other refuses to open up, things can fall apart. I honestly think the only problem here is that you have too many different things going on at once, symbolically. Do you want to speak of love in relationship to a dance? A fire? It seems like you’re leaning towards a fire. So I think it would be better to tighten up the imagery and focus it around one symbol. Expand on that one idea, with careful details and choice words. This makes it clearer for the reader and sends a unified message. However, I do like the opening line about the dance, so I think you should try another poem with that.

I hope this review helped, if just a little bit.

Best of luck,

octo