Give me some gluestick and I'll pour you some tea,
A paint in a bucket, and a dozen honeybee.
Let's take a picture o' you and me,
And we'll be friends for eternity.
Just bought some flowers and scribbled hearts,
When I'm done with this, we can't be apart.
Listen to me, and lend me your heart,
For it'll be a mark of a friendship, that''s about to start.
Images and graphics that are both fascinating,
I found each and everything, oh-so amazing.
Captured and taken to preserve those times,
And so they'll linger like music from golden chimes.
I may be silly and doodled up some pages,
But I think I'd done well, and pulled out some mages.
WIth friends an' fam'lies crammed together,
My life is a bore, no this is never.
Mull over and ponder,
This is about my life, or so you''ll wonder.
Life is but a mem'ry,
Of good ''ol times and certain anxiety.
You may find yourself scrutinizing every page,
But I promise you, I'll be a sage.
For this is an album for my people called friends,
And so they'll be there, till moonlight bends.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey sparkle! Welcome to YWS! Just a few notes before I get to the crit:
You need to maintain a ratio of 2:1 with reviews and stuff posted. Like, if you post twelve poems, you've got to review at least twelnty-four other stuff of other people. At least. More is preferred.
How about:
'Give me a gluestick, and I'll pour you some tea,
Pain in a bucket, a few honeybees.
Let's take a picture o' you and o' me,
So that we'll be friends for eternity.
I just rephrased it a bit to make the syllables work better to create a more stable rhythym. You have a nice idea here; however, I'm not sure what it is. You list random objects, and then jump to taking a picture and friends. What is your meaning? What emotion are you trying to convey?
Again, to rephrase a couple of lines:
Just bought you some flowers, all scribbled with hearts,
When I'm done with this, we can't fall apart.
Listen to me dear, and lend me your heart,
For it's a mark of friendship that we're 'bout to start.
Your repetition of the word 'heart' is distracting. You obviously just couldn't find anything else to rhyme with 'apart' and 'start' so you just used 'heart' twice. That's fine, but it shows a certain laziness of trying harder to get an original rhyme.
And! Your meaning is a bit clearer here. It's a git of love/friendship, correct? You might want to clear up your point to get it across better.
Okay, earlier you had an AAAA rhyme going, and it was working for you. That's when every line in the stanza ends with the same sound. But in these two stanzas, you start up with an AABB rhyming sequence. I suggest picking one and sticking with it, but that's just a reader's opinion.
As for rephrasing:
Images and graphics that are all fascinating,
I found everything I saw very amazing.
Captured and taken to preserve the sands of time,
So they'll always linger, music from golden chimes.
I might be silly, I doodle on the pages,
But I think I've done well, and pulled out some mages.
With friends and family crowded together,
My life is no bore, and free time is never.
These don't really make sense. You need to work a lot on meaning and word choice.
Mull it all over, sit there and ponder,
This is all my life, or so you'll wonder.
Life is nothing if not a memory,
Of good and bad times, and anxiety.
You may find yourself scrutinizing every page,
But I promise you this: I'll be a sage.
For this is an album for people called 'friend's.
And so they'll be there for me, until moonlight bends.
Again, none of this poem makes much sense. I suggest rereading it and making sure you know what your trying to say, and then tell us. You can keep all these rhymes and rhythyms without sacrificing real meaning that we can understand and appreciate. Make sure that your rhythym has a beat and doesn't need more syllables; to do this, read your poem aloud and find out where the accents are. Make sure it flows.
This is a good job and a pretty poem, just make sure it has a meaning. Poems without meanings are just a bunch or words thrown together on a page. We get that it's about friends, but what does everything else have to do with that?
Good luck on the editing.
~Evi
I just looked at the title! Oops! It;s scrapbooking! That makes things a lot easier. Still, my points remain somewhat valid. Go over it a couple of times.
Hey sparkle! Welcome to YWS! Just a few notes before I get to the crit:
You need to maintain a ratio of 2:1 with reviews and stuff posted. Like, if you post twelve poems, you've got to review at least twelnty-four other stuff of other people. At least. More is preferred.
How about:
'Give me a gluestick, and I'll pour you some tea,
Pain in a bucket, a few honeybees.
Let's take a picture o' you and o' me,
So that we'll be friends for eternity.
I just rephrased it a bit to make the syllables work better to create a more stable rhythym. You have a nice idea here; however, I'm not sure what it is. You list random objects, and then jump to taking a picture and friends. What is your meaning? What emotion are you trying to convey?
Again, to rephrase a couple of lines:
Just bought you some flowers, all scribbled with hearts,
When I'm done with this, we can't fall apart.
Listen to me dear, and lend me your heart,
For it's a mark of friendship that we're 'bout to start.
Your repetition of the word 'heart' is distracting. You obviously just couldn't find anything else to rhyme with 'apart' and 'start' so you just used 'heart' twice. That's fine, but it shows a certain laziness of trying harder to get an original rhyme.
And! Your meaning is a bit clearer here. It's a git of love/friendship, correct? You might want to clear up your point to get it across better.
Okay, earlier you had an AAAA rhyme going, and it was working for you. That's when every line in the stanza ends with the same sound. But in these two stanzas, you start up with an AABB rhyming sequence. I suggest picking one and sticking with it, but that's just a reader's opinion.
As for rephrasing:
Images and graphics that are all fascinating,
I found everything I saw very amazing.
Captured and taken to preserve the sands of time,
So they'll always linger, music from golden chimes.
I might be silly, I doodle on the pages,
But I think I've done well,