Published April 27, 2009
The wind blew through my golden red hair as I sat in the wet green grass as I watched the sun rise slowly. I didn’t know why the sun attracted me so, maybe it was that the bright colors of orange and pink made me forget my misery, or maybe because it gave me time to think. I wasn’t exactly sure at the time.
I closed my eyes taking in the peacefulness of the park. There wasn’t a sound but my steady breathing and the wind whisking through my hair. It seemed as if I was living some sort of fairy tale when my eyes were closed even though I knew in reality I was miles from that.
Birds started to chirp interrupting my peaceful daydreams. I opened my eyes and got off of the cool wet grass where I spent my night watching the stars. I sat up seeing a figure standing several yards away. It looked familiar, but somehow far away, like it was out of my reach.
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137,435 Literary Works • 672,020 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay....well this is an intriguing one right here. Its a little bit incomplete on first glance because all three of these paragraphs appear to be building towards the one thing and then it just sort of abruptly cuts off after that with no warning, but besides that particular issue, this seems like a pretty nicely done piece here on first look.
Now diving a little deeper here I am loving the start that you have here. It works quite nicely to set a very neutral atmosphere for the hole thing and almost lull us readers into thinking this is a nice peaceful little evening lull that we're being slowly lowered into. That works wonders alongside the other piece to them immediately reveal that things aren't quite what they seem.
I think its a lovely transition you use there, it gives a good feeling of tension slowly rising up and then once you go and keep it quite that mysterious the effect really comes through powerfully. However I will say there's not nearly enough going on here to qualify this for a cliffhanger and therefore this is a little incomplete feeling.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hello sparkle,
Welcome to YWS, the best site evah. Hopefully you’ll like it here and find a nice snuggly spot for yourself.
Mmm, but before I say anything about your story – you have to critique at least two other pieces for someone before actually posting anything of your own. For every one story you post, two reviews must be written. So, you’re indebted for two critiques, but that can be easily remedied. Just remember ^.~
Also, if you want to add/change a title, or edit your story in any way, all you have to do is press "edit", which is somewhere in the righ upper hand corner.
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There are only three paragraphs, so not much to say. More of an introduction to something bigger, I’m guessing. First sentence, though: there’s “as” two times in that one sentence. Rephrase, maybe. Other than that – I can definitely imagine the setting, yes, so description is a nice touch. About the MC – well, I don’t have enough to work with.
You leave us with a mysterious cliffhanger ending, yes? Make sure you write more!
Esme
It's definetly really short, but i dont know how to add anything to it. Maybe yal can help. Also the title is 'Once Upon a Morning'. I forgot to put that.