The foolish child filled with doubt.

I honestly don't know what to say spacesoldier!

I liked the piece of writing that you came up with. it was very original and very well thought out. I've read several of your poems and their fantastic! I can barley find things to critique.

I found the narrator sometimes forcing rhymes into the poem when sometimes the poem really just needed the right words to go along with it.

The world starting to conspire,Fences lined with sharp barbed wire, Hidden beneath her floorboards, she's a liar.

The foolish child filled with doubt.

Hello, love! Aurora here with a quick review for you!

An attempt at breaking out,

Was what got her life snuffed out,

Until now, you've written in the present tense for the first two lines of each verse. This verse randomly has been written in past tense.

Also, your last line:
The foolish child filled with doubt.

I can't really see how this relates back to the main poem .

Also, the last two lines of your first two verses (if that makes sense), while they relate to your overall concept, don't relate back to the verse itself, and in nearly all the other verses, each line in the verse relates back to a subconcept that the verse talks about.

Furthermore, in the latter half of your poem, you tell a story, while in the beginning, it's just description. Maybe tell the story of how the girl became addicted in the first half and how she was caught and died in the second half

The last lines of your three last stanzas are all in past tense, though you don't do this for any of the other verses, as far as I can see.

Finally, I like the rhymes you have. They're not all perfect, like 'road and load', which annoys me (being perfect annoys me). Liar and wire were two good ones, though I don't know if they fit all so well in the poem . You also tell a very clear, distinct story using metaphorical language. That's hard to do .

Awesome job, love. Keep writing, and I hope you win .
Aurora

Hello.

We have rhyme. It's actually half decent, although forced in some places such as desire/attire, wire/liar, sane/stain. The forced element doesn't actually come from the rhymes themselves, but more what you had to do to the lines in order to make them fit.

The floor stain one, in particular, stands out to me. It's not referenced again and has no context before, so as a result you're left wondering what in the world it is. You do mention floors before, but once again it's one of the forced lines. What does her floor have to do with her being a liar? A drug stash?

The floor references hold two things in common: 1- they are in forced rhyme lines, and 2- they don't contribute anything to the overall story arc of the poem. I believe these two are related, and you pulled the floor references just to get the line right for a rhyme and left it at that. Attire is worse in that respect, because her clothing only shows up in that line and has no impact on the story of the poem at all.

The hardest part about good rhyming poem is making everything make sense. You're forced into a certain structure, and you try to pull whatever you want to fit into it. That doesn't work. In rhyming poems you have to be even tighter, with everything relating back to something. If you don't, it's the fastest way to look forced.

Look at every line extremely critically, and if it doesn't contribute a clear enough picture, is only referenced in a single line, and in general is only there to try and fit into the rhyme scheme, rework it.

Also, in 1, stanza 3, line 1, it should be "much too young".

Good luck. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey