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Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

Prologue & Chapter One: A Dead Preacher for a Dead God (in progress)

by sp00kytoenail


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

(Prologue by Jackson)

Our crew never consisted of “good people”, but Sean was different. Ever since he lost his sister, he wasn’t the same. The look in his eyes was hate and anger. The Royal Agency had never seen such bad blood. Such ill will and sarcasm. There was an unusual air about him, an air that made everyone stiffen when he walked into a room. Everyone knew him, and if you didn’t, you would soon enough.

They called him S.I.N., whether off by his name or his deeds, I can’t remember. By now, most of it seems a mystery. I haven’t seen my old partner in years. All I know is that he is out there, and wherever he goes death will follow him.

Chapter One: A Dead Preacher for A Dead God

As he walked down the long, dark hallway that led into who knows where, Sean Ian Northway’s shoes tapped against the polished, wooden floorboards. He could smell a fire, and could hear it crackling in a room further along. It lit up the opposite wall and the flames cast a roaring shadow. He may have felt at home, what with such a relaxing and quiet atmosphere, were it not for the dead bodies that were lining up and down this hallway, leading down to the dealer’s office.

“You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are gray

You will never know dear, how much I love you

Please don’t take my sunshine away...”

He mumbled the song to himself, as he often did before leaving his young niece to head off to work. And softly adding to himself, of course, he said, “Goodnight sweetheart, I will be home soon.”

Then he jokingly said, again, to himself, “Ah, oh well. Time for a date with a dead man,” followed by a snicker.

He fastened the white collar beneath his suit snugly around his neck before running a hand through his jet black hair, leaving it unkempt and straggly just as he preferred it. With a few more steps and a roll of his broad shoulders, he brought his hands together and cracked his knuckles. Passing the room that had a lovely fire built, he arrived at a set of massive oak doors at the end of the hallway. Not even bothering to knock, he clicked his tongue and pushed open the heavy doors.

And as soon as they groaned open, a small, portly man who had been pacing back and forth for hours, was instantly scared stiff. He stood in the middle of the room on a fine carpet, his knees quaking and fingers wiggling.

“Well, well!” our dear agent barked loud enough that his voice echoed. “If it’s not the man himself, Michael Meltch! You are a very hard man to find. Why, if it weren’t for the trail of your dead bodyguards”—Meltch flinched—“I may have never found you, Big M.”

“Pipe it, S.I.N.!” Big M practically spit at him, yanking out a pistol from his coat and aiming it at him. “Damn you!”

S.I.N. held up his hands dramatically and just chuckled in that deep, profound voice of his, “Why, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were hiding from me.” Big M just stared at him, panting through his teeth. “But that’s absurd, I mean, you can’t even hide your own affairs much less your actual person. Isn’t that right, Big M?”

“That’s enough out of you!” Big M shouted, beads of sweat forming all over his chubby face.

S.I.N. frowned. "Excuse me, who are you to take that tone with me?” He shook his head. “You rat rolling in trash!"

There was a moment of silence before Big M began to huff and puff at the insult. He charged after S.I.N., his puny gun still aiming at him.

S.I.N. just waited, waited for the right second and then…

In the blink of an eye, he grabbed ahold of the sides of Big M’s face and he came to a halt, dropping his gun in surprise. In one swift move, S.I.N. shot up his knee, striking his opponent in the gut. S.I.N. stepped back and let Big M plop to his knees. He groaned and clutched his middle. Then, kneeling down to face Big M, S.I.N. pulled a handgun from his pocket, a 9mm engraved with silver. He gently caressed the weapon as he said, "This, my friend, is Pain." Big M’s big watery eyes looked up at him as S.I.N. whipped out another from the other side of his jacket, this one being silver and engraved with gold. “And this is Mercy. These are my partners in crime. I would let you say hello, but, frankly, it's going to be a very short conversation." S.I.N. smiled wickedly, pressing the barrel of Pain between Big M’s eyes.

"Half a moment!” Big M cried out, suddenly not daring to move. “Y-you don't have to do this! I-I can h-help you! I know of people and places! Things!" he blubbered, begging and pleading for his life as the beads of sweat began flowing down his face like streams, intermixing with his tears and snot bubbles.

"Sinners like you have nothing that I want." S.I.N. said coolly, nearly bored. He suppressed a yawn.

“We’ve worked together for years, Sean! Years!” Big M declared. “Don’t you trust me?!” He shouted angrily in S.I.N.’s face, his spit flying everywhere.

“No,” said S.I.N. after a long while of suspense.

That’s when Big M’s features went rigid and turned into a scowl. In a low, harsh voice, he replied, “Smart man.”

S.I.N. returned the scowl, letting the weight of this pathetic man’s betrayal sink in. That’s when the final gunshot was fired with a loud bang. Big M’s clunky body swayed and fell over, hitting the floor with a satisfying, wet thump. It wasn’t long before a giant puddle of scarlet was left all around the body, leaking from the forehead.

S.I.N put away Pain and Mercy, slipping them back into his coat pockets. He sniffed the gunpowder that was still aloft in the air and grinned, not at all troubled that he just took a man’s life.


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151 Reviews


Points: 3592
Reviews: 151

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Sat Dec 30, 2017 8:56 pm
Junel wrote a review...



Hey there!

First Nitpicks:

Then he jokingly said, again, to himself, “Ah, oh well. Time for a date with a dead man,” followed by a snicker.[/quote
The bolded part is unnecessary and just breaks up the flow.
Passing the room that had a lovely fire built,

This bit isn't needed and is weirdly a bit oddly. I'm not sure how you might change it because I can't seem to figure out what exactly about it is bothering me, but it just doesn't read smoothly with the rest of your story.
And as soon as they groaned open

First and is not needed.
Second just the way this is set up groaned feels like a weird way to describe it. I didn't realize you meant the door until I reread it a couple times.
fingers wiggling.

Wiggling seems a bit too silly, maybe try twitching instead.
[quote I know of people and places!

Take out of to help the flow.

Otherwise, this is a really great start to a story. You seem to know your characters well and have given the reader a good look at them. This also is quite interesting, with so much drama in the first chapter I can't wait to read more.

I hope this review is helpful to you, and just remember that my suggestions are just my opinion, and I'm am not perfect at writing either.

Sláinte -Junel




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Points: 946
Reviews: 31

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Wed Dec 13, 2017 2:07 am
shusher wrote a review...



Yep. I don't know how to delete a message, but I want my review points dangit. So here it is again.

There's a couple grammatical errors at the beginning.

"Wherever he goes, death followed..." needs a comma, for example; nit-picky stuff, but it does define the difference between bad, good, and great writing. Everything matters :)

Could you touch on dead bodies a little bit more? You had such good imagery, SUCH good imagery until this point. Unless, your character feels like the bodies are business as usual, but even if that's the case, a phrase like that could be well used.

I like the song choice peaking through the drama. It reminds me of bioshock.

"Softly adding to himself, of course..." of course indicates the audience already knows the character. The first time I read it, I enjoyed it. Second time, not so much. So, hard to say on this one.

You needn't indicate he's talking to himself twice unless adding a character beforehand.

"'Well, well!' our dear agent barked loud enough..." This is a rough sentence, not quite rolling off the tongue. I like the imagery portrayed, but a rephrasing would be nice.

Rat rolling in trash needs a comma between 'rat' and 'rolling'

Why is there a gun at all if Big M. doesn't use it? Maybe a sword would suffice a little better?

Overall, I really enjoyed your characters. You really gave a good feel to the whole thing. Your greatest strength is... oof. Hard to decide on that one, but I'd say imagery. You described the whole setting without being verbose. I especially liked, "roaring shadow." Greatest flaw, I didn't see a whole lot of them, thus the only thing I have for you here is sentence structure, which is hardly an issue.

Rating: 9/10 I think you have one of the most developed characters on YWS as far as I've read, and you do well with continual forward motion. Good job!




Random avatar

Points: 946
Reviews: 31

Donate
Wed Dec 13, 2017 2:06 am
shusher says...



There's a couple grammatical errors at the beginning.

"Wherever he goes, death followed..." needs a comma, for example; nit-picky stuff, but it does define the difference between bad, good, and great writing. Everything matters :)

Could you touch on dead bodies a little bit more? You had such good imagery, SUCH good imagery until this point. Unless, your character feels like the bodies are business as usual, but even if that's the case, a phrase like that could be well used.

I like the song choice peaking through the drama. It reminds me of bioshock.

"Softly adding to himself, of course..." of course indicates the audience already knows the character. The first time I read it, I enjoyed it. Second time, not so much. So, hard to say on this one.

You needn't indicate he's talking to himself twice unless adding a character beforehand.

"'Well, well!' our dear agent barked loud enough..." This is a rough sentence, not quite rolling off the tongue. I like the imagery portrayed, but a rephrasing would be nice.

Rat rolling in trash needs a comma between 'rat' and 'rolling'

Why is there a gun at all if Big M. doesn't use it? Maybe a sword would suffice a little better?

Overall, I really enjoyed your characters. You really gave a good feel to the whole thing. Your greatest strength is... oof. Hard to decide on that one, but I'd say imagery. You described the whole setting without being verbose. I especially liked, "roaring shadow." Greatest flaw, I didn't see a whole lot of them, thus the only thing I have for you here is sentence structure, which is hardly an issue.

Rating: 9/10 I think you have one of the most developed characters on YWS as far as I've read, and you do well with continual forward motion. Good job!





“All stories are true," Skarpi said. "But this one really happened, if that's what you mean.”
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind