I walked up the hill and watched the sun begin to set, lighting fire to the sky. Oranges, reds, and yellows crisscrossed the sky like a watercolor painting. The house that towered on the hill was amazing; it was styled to look like a castle. It was every princess’s dream, turrets and all.
The house was newly built and in our little town it was different. I thought it was gorgeous. Especially with the view it had, it overlooked miles of farms and forests. I tried the front door, locked. Crap, how was I gonna get in now!? Duh the Garage! I pushed the door up and entered the concrete 4 car garage. I tried the door in there it came open with a little jiggle.
I ambled through the kitchen; it had granite counter tops and black cabinets. They must be rich! I thought to myself. I pushed through the only door in the room to find myself in a giant room I assumed to be the living room. I wandered to the left and found myself in a giant bedroom; I checked the others down the hall they were all the same! Way bigger than my little 10x10 bedroom. Not to mention that they even all had their own bathrooms. Walking down the other hall I found a beautiful entry way with a gigantic chandelier overhead.
I went to the back of the house and found a spiral staircase with an ornate handrail. I climbed it, feeling even more like a princess in my little sundress. Huge windows were at the top, the staircase must be the Turret on the outside of the house. The sun was just a tiny bit shy of being gone so I had to hurry. I sashayed into one of the last rooms; it was a little bigger than the others. I twirled around the room, smiling. This house was amazing!
"Do you always dance in strangers homes?" I jumped at the sound of his voice.
I looked around the room, no one. He stepped out of the attached bathroom. He had amazingly green eyes, hair such a dark brown it was almost black. He stood a little under a head taller than my 5ft 9in frame. His eyebrow was raised at me questioningly.
"I didn’t think anyone was here."
"So you do?" He mocked.
"No, but what are you doing accusing me when your trespassing too?"
"I'm not trespassing. This is my family’s home."
"Oh, it’s-it’s beautiful."
He smiled kindly at me. "My Dad would jump for joy to here you say that, it’s his pride and joy."
"That’s how most people are around here. I'm Averie by the way." I told him hoping to gain his name.
"Keegan." Of course it was, not only am I a sucker for green eyes but I loved the name Keegan.
"So you're new to Springtown?"
"Yeah, my Dad loves Texas. And he wanted an amazing view of farm land."
"Then he came to the right place out here that’s pretty much all it is out here." He cracked another smile.
"Where you going to school?"
"Springtown High."
"That's where I go. Girls here will eat you alive, though. Pretty boys like you don’t stand a chance." I could hear my drawl come out in my last sentence.
"Thanks for the warning." He grinned
"You're welcome, but at least you know one girl has your back."
"I don’t even know you!" He looked at me; I could see the amusement in his eyes.
"So? You haven’t done anything to make me not trust you. So why shouldn’t I?" I asked him smirking.
"For one I could be a serial killer."
"I doubt that, I have really good instincts.” I looked out the windows; the sun was leaving the sky fast.
I moved towards the door. "I need to get going."
"Ok then," he whipped out his cell.
"Put your number in.”
I typed in my number slowly and handed it back to him. He smiled and walked past me, down the stairs, giving me time to admire him. He was lightly muscled, just enough so that you could see them in the tight fitting tee he was wearing. He opened the door for me, and I walked out.
I grabbed my bike, "See ya Monday Keegan."
"Yeah," he said smiling.
I took off down the road, my hair flying back from the summer breeze. I didn't pedal going down the hill, only applied the brake slightly. I stopped at an intersection, looking both ways and went ahead. I set an easy pace toward home, pedaling every once and a while. The pastures looked so pretty in the moonlight; it was almost like a different world. Everything was so quiet you could hear a fly buzzing. I turned the corner and stood up to avoid falling off over a poorly patched section of road.
I hit another stop sign and waited. The Crickets chirping became quieter as I reached the more modernized part of my little town. I pedaled down my road and parked outside my house. I opened the storm door, rang the doorbell and went inside. I smelled my mom’s chocolate sheath cake. I wasn’t a big fan of chocolate, but that cake was so good. I laughed when I saw my Bestfriend sitting at my dining room table eating some cake. Her shoulder length blonde hair almost fell into the bowl, she looked up and saw me her blue eyes were almost silver in this light. She stood up and I towered over her 5ft 2in form.
Chayton looked up and smiled , "Took you long enough to get here!"
"Yeah, well I lost track of time." I smiled thinking of Keegan.
Her blonde eyebrows shot up and her ponytail twitched from the movement. He blue eyes screamed a multitude of questions at me one was loudest though. She gave me a look that screamed ‘Omg, something happened didn’t it!?’
I gave her one that said ‘Tell you in my room!’ I still thought I was cool we could communicate through looks because we were so much alike.
She put her plate in the dishwasher and we went to my room. I looked at my photo pasted walls, all the memories we had. I sighed remembering, there was one where we were dressed as little kids and you could see we were trying not to laugh. We were pretty weird, but a good weird, just a enough to make us funny.
She stood next to me, her head was just to my shoulder. She wrung her hands together in excitement. She may have been a major tomboy and even though she wouldn’t admit it she still got excited over talking about boys.
"Tell me everything!!!" She said.
I was at that house they built on the hill, and I met a guy in there. His name is Keegan."
"No way!? A Keegan!? Here!? He's rich and our age!?"
"Yep! And he has green eyes!" She laughed.
"And I bet I can guess what you're thinking!" I raised an eyebrow; I knew she was going to pull what I always did with her and her guys.
"You think you two are SOULMATES!" She proceeded to laugh her head off, till she fell off my bed then laughed harder
“Don’t you dare pull my own crap on me!” I failed miserably at being serious and ended up in a fit of giggles.
“You’re supposed to be the serious one!” I gasped trying to keep the giggles down.
“Nope! That’s you!” we both had calmed down a little bit now, well enough to talk about Keegan.
“He’s so cute! And he seems smart! And guess what!?”
“I’d ask, but I don’t have to you’ll tell me anyways.”
“Well duh! But anyways he didn’t seem as perverted and immature as other guys our age!” That got her attention, her eyes widened and gasped.
“Marry that boy. Marry him right now before I take him from you.” I tackled her, my way of letting her know that there was no way in heck she was taking him from me.
“ok! I get it you’ll eat me if I do!” she laughed getting up.
“And don’t you forget it!”
“So about the math homework.”
That’s how the rest of the night went on, us laughing, talking, play fighting, and eating. It was about 11 before we even got ready for bed. By that time we were on robot mode.
“Night Dr. Twinkle Toes.” I smiled at our nicknames from the picture of us as little kids.
“Night Nurse Go-Go Boots.” She smiled, and within minutes she was asleep.
I couldn’t sleep very well, Keegan kept creeping back into my mind. I wondered what he was like. The Keegan I made up in my head was probably way better than the one in real life. Dream Keegan was smart and hilarious, sweet, and sexy (but the real Keegan had the sexy part covered.) I eventually drifted off.
I felt wet grass crunch under my feet, I was running so hard my lungs screamed. I hopped over a headstone, because apparently I was being chased through a graveyard. I looked over my shoulder, because no matter what I did I couldn’t stop running; I saw a figure in a hooded cloak chasing me. I ran harder, I hit pavement my feet started crying. I wanted to stop, I wanted to stop so badly but I knew that if I did I would be dead. I was only a few blocks from my house so I used the last of my energy to run there. I saw my driveway, darted up it. I reached the front door and turned the knob. But it didn’t turn, I felt my eyes widen.
“No!” I shrieked, falling to my knees tears swam from my eyes.
Then I saw it, the thing that had been chasing me standing behind me. I knew I was about to die. And he raised his head and the hood fell off.
I’m shook, it’s so bright; why was it so bright? What happened?! It was dark a second ago! Did I get away!? A million and one thoughts raced through my head.
“Averie!! Ave wake up!”
“I’m awake! Stop shaking me!” I yelled.
She looked relieved, “What time is it?”
“4 A.M.”
“And why did you wake me up!?” I asked incredulously
“You were screaming and thrashing! Of course I woke you up!”
She had me there, I rarely had dreams and if I did I had nightmares. She knew that, and I also knew that she thought it was bad. Because according to her bad dreams meant something bad would happen in the next few days.
“Lets just go back to sleep.”
“Fine with me!”
We both rolled over, and she turned off the lights. This time she was the one still awake when I went to sleep. All too soon my alarm went off. Groaning I pulled myself out of bed. I got ready, taking extra time to primp because I would see Keegan today. Before I knew Chayton and I had piled into my little Slugbug and were on the way to school.
“Ugh! I don’t want to go to school,” Chayton whined.
“Yeah you do! Cause then you get to meet Keegan, but I can’t guarantee how close we’ll get to him. You know these girls attack anything that’s remotely cute.” I sighed.
“Pfft, Yeah I do. Remember when Michael came? He was followed for weeks!”
“I just wish I got his-. OH MY GOD!!! I totally forgot! He has my number!!” we screeched to a halt at a stop light.
She pouted, “And you didn’t tell me last night!? How could you!” The school was approaching fast, and I just wanted out of the car. I had always been a little claustrophobic.
“I forgot!” My phone apparently took the hint and it rang, we shared a look.
“It’s Him!!” We both Shrieked.
She dug around in my bag and pulled out my phone. I pulled into my parking space in the packed parking lot. And wrenched my phone from her hands. I read
‘You weren’t kidding about the mobs of girls following me’ I laughed, and Chayton grabbed for my phone.
‘Well duh!’ I typed back.
‘You here yet?’ I showed her my phone, she smiled widely.
“Well he likes you!!”
“That does not mean he likes me! He probably just doesn’t want to have to deal with all the girls alone!”
“Whatever you say Ave.”
‘Just got here.'
We got out of my baby blue bug, and grabbed our stuff out of my trunk. Lugging everything from my parking space near the back to the front of the school down a hill was not fun at all. But I kept from stumbling thankfully, today wouldn’t have been a good day if I had tripped and gotten road rash on my face.
We sauntered into the school, nodded to each other, the nod meant see you in 2nd period. I walked away from my bestfriend feeling apprehensive about the day. When I saw Keegan and boy was he not kidding there was a trail of girls following him that must have been practically all the girls in the freshman and sophomore classes. I could see a few girls with boyfriends gaping at him by their lockers.
I smiled, poor pretty boy; gonna be eaten alive by girls. I’m sure he’ll get over the heartbreak. I slammed my locker shut after shoving all I could into it, I strolled towards his mob.
“Hey Keegan.” He looked at me like I was crazy, with just a little hint of shock; his eyes were blue this was not Keegan.
OH MY LORD, twin hot guys dating best friends! Chayton was gonna die when I told her!! I texted Keegan,
“You have a twin?’
I walked past him, trying not to let my smile falter. I wanted to tell Chayton but she got her phone taken up and was on the other side of school. I waited for his reply before 1st period, but it never came.
My Algebra teacher droned on and on about something that confused me so deeply there was probably no hope of me understanding. The bell rang and everyone dashed from the room. Not that I blame them, they probably hated it just as much as I did.
I practically ran to my second period history class. I saw Keenan’s twin go into my class with his mob of girls following. Chayton fell into step with me.
“Is that him?”
“Nope, he had green eyes and was taller.”
“That’s weird did you ask Keegan about it?”
“I texted him yeah, but no reply.”
“Weird.” We came in the door and handed Mrs. Baker our homework.
She was in her early seventies her hair had long since turned grey. She had these creepy beady eyes that were almost black.
Keegan’s twin stood next to her his eyes fell on me when I passed through. Chayton had never been one for subtly so she just stared back, daring him to say something.
We all sat down, except for him. Mrs. Baker stood next to him and began to speak in her scratchy sandpaper voice, “Class this is Dylan Taylor, he just moved here so be kind to him.” It was more like a demand than a request, and Dylan seemed embarrassed.
“Why don’t you go take a seat next to Ms. Everly and Ms. Johnson?”
He walked towards the empty seat next to me and sat down. Mrs. Baker began her lecture on the American Revolution. I noticed him appraising me out of the corner of his eye.
I made it through two papers before the words blurred.
Chayton nudged me, “You ok?” she whispered.
“Yeah.”
I eventually made it through the essay I had been writing. And when the bell rang we all rushed to our20 minute study hall. I saw Keegan’s twin go to his locker, one of the girls was speaking to him. She smiled silkily and twirled her hair around her finger; of course it was Sabrina.
I looked through my locker trying to find my science text book. A throat cleared behind me and I was tapped on the shoulder. I turned around expecting Chayton; but it was Dylan.
“Yeah?” I looked at him curiously.
“Can we talk?”
“Sure.”
“You got Hamlin next period?” His eyes searched mine.
“Yeah?”
“We’ll talk then.” He turned and marched towards our next period.
He left me feeling strange. I had no idea what he wanted to talk about. Why haven’t I seen Keegan yet!? How hard can it be to find a very attractive guy that would have a mob following him around!?
“Uggghhh!” I stomped towards my next class where Dylan was waiting.
I walked through the door and found Chayton talking to Dylan. She was flirting! And exactly how I told her to! So he didn’t even know what was happening! She glanced my way and I wiggled my eyebrows at her and she laughed. I saw Dylan smile, and when he saw me it was wiped from his face.
That scared me, very badly. Something was going on; something big.I sat next to him and Chayton left and sat next to her science partner.
“What do you need to talk about? I asked turning to face him.
“How do you know Keegan?” He inquired.
“I met him yesterday.” He looked at me like I was crazy again.
“Are you serious?” He glared at me.
“Yeah. I know how creepy this must sound but I was in your new house yesterday and I met him.” His eyes bugged out of his head.
“Yeah. I seriously doubt that. Whoever put you up to this is sick.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Keegan died last year.” I was shocked, I felt myself gasp.
His eyes searched my face for any traces of acting. “But that’s not possible! He texted me this morning!”
I saw the hope flash through his eyes, but it was replaced by anger. “You’re sick and crazy!!” He hissed at me.
He stormed away from me and sat next to Sabrina, who looked oh so delighted. Chayton came running.
“What happened!?” she asked frantically looking at him.
“H-He told me, tha-that uh, Keegan’s uh dead.”
“That’s gotta be a lie.”
“I don’t know he looked pretty serious.” I said indifferently.
The rest of the day was filled with barely listening to my teachers and looking through blurry eyes. I couldn’t get Dylan’s face out of my mind when he called me crazy. Could he be lying? I mean after all Keegan texted me! So he must be lying! Maybe Keegan’s the secret kid they keep locked in the basement, he’s not supposed to exist.
I climbed the hill back to my car. I wanted to go home and go to sleep. Everything about today had worn me out completely. I clicked the unlock button and my trunk popped open, I flung my stuff inside. I was too tired to even care, slammed my door shut behind me and started my car. I pulled away from the school, racking my brain on what to do next; I wished I knew what was going on. God, this all sounds like a bad horror movie; tonight Keegan will probably show up in my room and murder me. I turned up the radio, and my phone rang; it was a weird number.
“Hello?”
“Averie?”
“Yeah? Who is this?”
“It’s Keegan,”
“You ha-,” I started.
“Yeah I know, but listen tell Dylan you were lying and that you wanted to see his reaction. He has no idea I’m still alive.”
“Why?” I felt my eyebrows go up.
“So he doesn’t start looking for me.”
“Why wouldn’t you want to be with your brother?”
“It’s complicated, I mean really complicated.” That just confused me more.
“Ok, but he hates me and thinks that I’m crazy.”
“But you’re explanation will make him feel better.” I pulled my car up to a red light.
“Ok, I’m trusting you here. But I expect better explanations.” He laughed.
“Sure, I’ve got to go, bye.”
“Bye.”
I pulled into my drive way and rested my forehead on the steering wheel.
“Uggghhh!” I slammed my fist into the steering wheel, I felt spikes shoot up my hand but I was too frustrated to care.
Why couldn’t this just be as simple as I met a cute boy and he had a twin brother!?
I drew in a deep breath and blew it out, “Ugggggghhhh!”
I mustered up the courage to get out of my car; I took off my shoes and went into my house.
“Mom, I’m gonna go for a run.”
“Ok!”
I ran into my room and changed, I tugged on my running shoes. I ran out the door, heading toward the trails behind the park. I ran passed one of my friends who was there with her little brother.
“Hey Averie!” She hollered.
“Hey!” I nodded and waved.
I kept running. i realized i was in the graveyard. I weaved through the headstones, saying I'm sorry to all the people whose graves I stepped on. I found my dad’s, and sat down in front of it. I remembered flashes of what happened that day. I could hear a giant crash that hurt my ears, the lights went out and then the building started to creak; all the other children screamed.
I was only 5 at the time but I knew something very bad was going on. I rubbed my hand over his name Samuel G. Everly. I missed him; his face was fuzzy in my memory. I remembered his hearty laugh, and his infectious smile. It was almost his death anniversary, sometimes I blame myself because I lived and he died but I couldn't help that. I was on the first floor and he was on the 28th. I had watched the video before and still couldn't believe that I lived through September 11th.
I ran said goodbye to him, and ran back home. I slammed the door behind me; I just needed a shower and bed.
“Nuh uh, sit down and eat your dinner.” I smiled.
I pulled out a chair in our tiny kitchen, and grabbed a fork. I punched 1:00 minute into the microwave, leaning against the counter I surveyed my lazy gold Chihuahua. Who was sitting impatiently on the edge of the carpet. He whined at me and wagged his tail.
“You’re not getting any food Chandler.” He gave me puppy dog eyes.
“OK! You win! Who wants a treat?” My yorkie came running; they both wagged their tails in excitement.
“Sit boys,” They sat as told, and I tossed them their treats.
The microwave dinged, and the smell of Spaghetti was making my mouth water. I sat down and ate, relishing the taste.
“How was your run?” My mom inquired.
“Good, I went to see Daddy.” I knew I shouldn’t have said it as soon as it was out of my mouth.
My mom didn’t like talking about my father, and hadn’t since his death. She had acted like nothing happened when he died. Except for his funeral, I don’t ever remember seeing her grieve. I had cried myself to sleep because I didn’t understand why he was gone and why mom wouldn’t say anything about it.
She gave me a taught smile, “That’s nice dear.”
I sighed and put my dishes in the dishwasher.
“Night mom.”
“Goodnight Averie.”
I knew I had upset her badly; I walked to my room and grabbed clothes. I showered quickly, but I still almost fell asleep twice. I staggered through brushing my teeth, and practically dragged myself to my bed. I collapsed into sleep almost immediately.
I was floating, all I could see is black, and then I saw my dad. He was older than I remembered, but still just as handsome. He looked like he was lit from within.
“Daddy?”
“Yes Avey, it’s me.”
“Wh- why are you here?” I had begun shaking, this isn’t real I kept reminding myself.
“Stay away from him Avey, he’s evil.” Not real I told myself again; I let out a shaky breath.
“From who Daddy?”
“Him, Avey, stay away from him” His image had gone all fuzzy.
“I don’t know who you’re talking about Daddy! Who is he!!?” I shrieked at his fading form.
“I love and miss you Avey! Kiss your mother for me.” He shouted though his voice had gone wobbly.
I woke up covered in sweat, I clutched at my rapidly beating heart. It had felt so real, I could still here his voice.
My alarm buzzed, while I was still trying to catch my breath. I didn’t want to go to school, but this week was our last week before summer.
I ran out to my car despite it almost being 100degrees it was cloudy and overcast. I saw a dark car drive past and slow down a little bit in front of my house, I saw Dylan roll down the window; he studied me silently.
Why was he here? Why now? That’s what I still couldn’t figure out why move with only a week left in the semester? Why start school now? And have to deal with the herds of girls that no doubt followed him around at his old school.
“You want a ride?” He shouted, raising an eyebrow.
Both mine shot up, wait he thought I was crazy yesterday and now he wants to give me a ride? What did he want? He probably wanted to corner me, and ask me more questions about how I knew Keegan. It also gave me an opportunity to tell him what Keegan wanted me to.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
The story has a lot of potential, but it’s overdue for some minor touches.
I didn't care for this. Sunsets are serene. Fire denotes hunger and destruction. It took me out of the story. It sounded jarring to my ears.
How is this castlee-sque house different? Why does it stand out in this town? In my hometown, the middle school was a castle with gargoyles: however, it worked since it's located in New England. All the houses were or inspired by Colonial architecture (what with the city being founded it the 17th century.) In hindsight, it was quite a beautiful city to live in.
Anyways, why is the protagonist hell bent on breaking into this house? Simply to see the view isn't something that I'm really buying here. Give me something I can work with here. Is she simply a girl thirsting for adventure -consequences be damned! Or is something about this castle draws her in and she can't resist. In fact, she feels the need to break in. There is no ill intention. She NEEDS this.
Throughout the piece you utilize numerical values. The rule is if the number is a single word, you type it out: four, one hundred -rather than input the character for it.
How old is the protagonist, again? For the most part, only housewives notice these minor details or jump to the conclusion that the owners must be wealthy. Seeing how teenagers are typically ignorant of the cost of renovation, material, and then labor. It's minor details such as these that take me out of the story.
Our protagonist lingers in the living room. She wanders to the left in what I imagine still is the living room and discovers herself in a giant bedroom? There needs to be a transition here of how "wandering to the left" includes going through a door into a new area or walking through a doorway which leads to a hallway and a door that contains this bedroom.
I understand that the protagonist is narrating the story: however, be careful with the use of sentence fragments. They should be used sparingly and only to draw a point home. Again, the numerical values need to be written out. Given how we still do not know the location, metric versus US measurements are needed. I assume it's feet: however, you shouldn't leave the readers to draw such conclusions in this situation.
It is unnecessary to capitalize the turret.
"Do you always dance in the homes of strangers?"
or
"Do you always dance in a stranger's house?"
It's a picayune, but it irked me that she referred to the stranger's voice as his. This only works if she's reflecting on what happened in the past: however, I get this feeling that this is in present tense. Therefore it would make more sense for her to say: I jumped at the sound of a man's voice or stranger will do.
This worked. I like how she's admiring him and he amusingly admonishes her by arching his eyebrow at her. I imagine the girl is short of drooling over pretty boy here.
9/11 happened in New York. The story is based in Texas. What happened? Dad is buried in Texas, but died in New York. Did mother decide to move after the incident? Was Dad moving around a lot between New York and Texas? I'm puzzled.
As stated before: vary your sentence structure, read your work again to change numerical values into words, break up dialogue in the desire to elaborate a bit more on it, and explain the protagonist’s motivation. Make us understand why this is so very important to her.
Good luck!