I stepped out into the ruins of what used to be Time Square. Sadness filled my heart. In school they showed us picture of what it used to look like, but now you would never imagine it used to look like that. Suddenly i was transported back in time.
All of the boards that were now only wire a glow, the horns of taxi’s and cars blaring at each other. The buildings that are barely one story now at their full height, and an endless stream of tourists snapping pictures.
All the people crowded on the sidewalk hurriedly walking to their destinations. The sky such a light blue nothing else could capture that exact color.
Walking down the street was now more dangerous than ever, because of The Fazers.
At a very young age my group was told about The Fazers. The man came to our class and said that they were put here to protect us from the fakes. The workers were always telling us how wonderful the Hunter Cooperation was. But the hybrid of Human and the most powerful machines ever created said otherwise. They lurk in the deepest darkest pits of the underground during the day. At night they scour the streets, and tumbledown buildings for fakes. As in their hair color was not what it was naturally, and sadly I was one.
Fazers even just thinking about them scared me. I wondered what really happened to fakes. Legends passed down many of my friends thought they were jokes. Not me though, it was a dangerous game i was playing, you had to be careful. No one had ever lived to tell you what a Fazer looked like. They were the things that filled children’s nightmares.
Sirens started blaring, they’d found one. I started to panic, what if it was me?! I looked to the sky, the sun had just set. I couldn't hear anyone screaming and begging for their lives though. I forced myself to be calm, walking quietly down the cracked sidewalk. I was freaking out when I heard a familiar laugh from behind me. It was just Samira and her cronies. So naturally I did what any sensible person would do. I turned around and said
“Such a lovely singing voice you have Samira,” she looked disgusted. I waved goodbye to her while smirking. Someone passing on the street giggled, and then a slap rang out. I whirled around my black hair flowing out behind me, cocked one hip with a hand it.
I saw Samira standing over a cowering brunette, “Why don’t I just call a Fazer? She cackled. “You’re useless anyway.” I boiled. I kept my voice cool. “Samira, why don’t you just leave people you consider less important alone?” Because you’re evil, I responded in my mind. “They need to know their lesser than me.” She snickered.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okayy....so this is a bit of mixed start here. There are some parts that are done pretty well and then a few parts that don't quite work which leads to not the greatest of starts here.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay..a slightly rushed start here. I find myself slightly confused as to where exactly this story is trying to go. On one hand, I can see some sort of future maybe where this place is in ruins, and then there's time travel and suddenly its back to a time where things were normal. Well, it certainly gets your attention as a reader, but I think you need set this scene up a little bit better than this. Right now its a little too confusing here.
OKayy...so things kind of dissolve into a little bit of info dumping here and I am genuinely confused as to what all of the time travels stuff from the previous part was meant to be hinting at. Here it seems like this person is getting right into whatever this timeline is and discussing the dangers lurking around it. It makes for a nice sense of mystery and tension to hear of these other creatures but I do find myself a bit lost between that time jump and then this sudden barrage of information.
Okayy...so the Fazers plot line is interesting, but I feel like you then move away from it much too quickly for it really register as any sort of threat to us readers. You kind of really do a wonderful job showcasing how terrifying they are but then you suddenly switch to this person meeting a random person in the city. The transitions here need quite a bit of work.
Okayy....a somewhat cliffhanger like somewhat mysterious ending, but it just doesn't quite manage to really do much here. I feel that you just end up with a fairly meh situation here. This conversation feels like its too vague for us to understand which contrasts with the over explanation from earlier to make a not so great combination here. I think this as a premise has some potential, but this piece needs some work here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, this wasn't a bad idea here. It sounds like it could be quite interesting, but some parts here really need to get a second look here cause at the moment we have a few problems happening here.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi there Southerngirl!
You definitely have the potential to expand this - there's so many questions left unanswered and even if you plan on answering them later, you have the room in this case to expand on at least. Tell us the history behind these Fazers. The readers want to know and without sufficient detail in a literary piece, dullness takes over and nobody will read whatever you have written. Which is really sad! So:
So. I have an affair with dystopian fiction. It's my lover. So when I saw that in your subtitle, I knew I had to click it. However, I found myself disappointed with something rather short
Write more about the Fazers. Clearly, this group of ... somethings ... are very important to the development of your novella or novel. Don't leave them vague and undeveloped - as a reader, I really am curious about what they're all about as are the other people who'll end up reading this. Secondly, introduce us a bit more to the narrator. Clearly, this is written in first person so it is harder to really get to know them. You'll have to write the character so the audience learns about them and that will have to be through dialogue, their personal views, their reactions and the traits revealed through all three preceding.
Alright, so ... when is this? The narrator seems to know what Times Square used to look like before all this stuff with the Fazers. So did the narrator experience this destruction? Was he/she a little child? Or have they only seen pictures of its 'former glory'? If the latter is the case then, I suggest you not describe it saying 'former glory' and all. You must describe the destroyed square and perhaps some personal thoughts like Originally, it must've looked glorious at night, shining lights... Hint to it all!
But you must write more. The more the better and it'll also be easier to review
Yours,
Lavvie