Young Writers Society

So let me begin with: The song sounds beautiful. No doubt thanks to your beautiful singing voice.
I assume you're harmonizing with yourself or did you get another singer to help you?

Sadly I do not have a degree in musical theory (or formal musical education at all) so the only comments I can really make about the guitar must be based on my personal experience as a guitar player:

During the end of the chorus at the - "You can’t be revived; If you die" - portions the chords sound a bit off. I really apologize for the lack of specificity with this comment, I would love to be able to say how they sound "off" and how it could be improved upon but I don't know enough theory to offer assistance there.

Otherwise this song would greatly benefit from some played melody or at least melodic additions to the instrumental sections to keep those portions more engaging.

Now to the actual lyrics:
I like how in your verses the rhymes skips a line. Very clever that.
Critiquing lyrics is always pretty difficult, because as with poems the lyrics often are there for a reason and the words used are deliberate so I'm having a hard time finding anything to really suggest changing.

All in all the lyrics are solid. Symbolic enough to not be too obvious, but at the same time not so symbolic that I feel like I'm listening to some deep-indie philosophical statement song.

Most importantly the song was enjoyable, I've now played it on repeat for like 15 minutes.

Hello, it's me FlamingPhoenix again with a few things to say about your song, and to help get it out the green room.
Let's start.

So the only things I could see wrong are the things @TheStormAroundMe pointed out, really well too. So I wont go over the same things as she did. So I'll go right to the good stuff I saw.

So when I saw you had posted the link to the sung song, I knew I had to come and hear it. And I no i have said this many times, but you have an amazing talent, Your voice is like silk and it carry's the emotion in the song over to the person listening so well. And the way you play the guitar is astounding, i can't even play the piano, and here you are playing something way more complicated. So amazing job.
I also just love the words you have chosen for this song, it fits it so well. And the emotions are deep, very deep. And I felt sad and angry through out the song. Very powerful!
And if I ever have plans to write a song I no were to go to, to get some help!

I'm glad I had the chance to read and listen, to your work. I'm also glad I had the chance to tell you how much I love this song. I hope you will keep writing amazing works, and post again on YWS soon. Have a great day or night.

Your friend and faithful reader
FlamingPhoenix.
Reviewing with a fiery passion.

May I just say that your voice is amazing. It's so haunting and beautiful; I love it! The guitar is done well and the chorus really works. Did you have another person to record with, or are you singing the harmonies in this song as well? Either way, I'm really impressed.

As for the lyrics, they sound really awesome with the tone of the song. I like the breaks and the slant rhymes. "Don't say goodbye like a promise" is a really great line, although I am not sure I like the follow-up lines (but that's personal preference so). However, a couple of them sound a little bit... I don't want to say forced, but something similar. For example, in this line:

a treasured gift, a gem you won’t resent

you made to circumvent