z

Young Writers Society



The Lost Dragon 19.3

by soundofmind


Chapter 19.3Run

The shield of the forest stopped a good few yards from the shed, and that was where James waited. Elliot was waiting even further back, tied to a tree and quiet. The sun was inching closer and closer to the horizon, ushering in the dusk. As James laid quietly on the forest floor under the shelter of bushy plants at the edge of the treeline, he watched the sky turn to shades of purple and orange behind the shed's roof.

Even though Morgan had filled him in (mostly) on the plan, it was still a guessing game. Run in, get the egg, run out. Don't get shot in the process.

He watched as three figured emerged from the other side of the wood, rushing up to the shed on light feet and keeping low to the ground. With the clearing between the building and them, they had to be fast to not be seen.

James watched them steak up to a window that was propped open. The very fact that it was propped open for air told James that whoever had purchased the egg at Diamond's auction was completely unaware of the conflict they'd stumbled into.

He really hoped they didn't end up dead.

As puff of blue smoke started to leak from the window before one of the thieves slammed it shut from the outside. More people started to rush out of the forest carrying logs, throwing them against the front and back door. He couldn't make out details from afar, but he was pretty sure he recognized some of them from Ajax's crew, not that he'd ever seen any of them up close. They were piling up against the doors and boarding up the windows. Faint shouts leaked out from the inside, along with pounding on the doors. In only a few passing minutes, the panicked sounds of knocking and yelling faded, and as quickly as the flood of people came out of the forest, they receded, collecting around the main entrance, which was facing away from him.

Morgan had said James would need to take out three people. Not a whole crew.

The temptation to desert while there was still time grew stronger.

He watched as the group of thieves began to abandon the back door and the windows, leaving only two people keeping watch out back. If he was right, in seconds, the three masked thieves would be rushing in to grab the egg. Their masks were compromised, but if they came out the side where about of dozen men were gathered, James didn't stand a chance. Diamond and Morgan probably didn't either at this rate.

He secured the bandana around his face, pulling on the knot at the nape of his neck. Underneath it, he'd shoved a handkerchief up his nose. That would have to do.

He waited until the guards glanced away, and then ran into the clearing with a sprint. The two left on guard - a man and a woman - saw him before he was halfway there, but he closed in quickly.

The woman pointed her gun at him and he swerved to the side. The man had barely drawn his weapon before James had jumped behind him and ripped it out of his hands. A sword. James thrust the pommel into the back of the man's head and let both him and the sword fall to the ground. The woman was right up beside him as he lost his human shield, and he dodged the swipe of her arm, bend down and then barreling into her. She grabbed onto him (expected) and he grabbed onto her, flipping her to the ground. For the half-second he had her pinned to the ground, he elbowed her in the face before jumping up, throwing open the door, and rushing in.

Billows of blue and purple smoke flowed out and filled the room. James held his breath, seeing light spill in from the opposite end of the shed and the shadows of three figures in the doorway.

He ducked.

A gun went off, and he didn't know where, but the gunshot rang out like it was outside.

In the shed, there was a table and chairs, people lying on the floor unconscious, a tall stack of crates, and a corner with a silk blanket over a large, round, ovular object. He was on the side of the crates with the silk.

For once in his life, he felt truly lucky.

Crouching to the ground, he ran to the blanket and bundled it under the egg, cradling it in his arms. He didn't have time to question if it was the real egg or a fake, and Clandestine couldn't be mad at him for assuming. But if the sheer weight of told him anything, it was very real. It was like carrying a person. Granted, a small person, but still a person.

He spun around with the egg in his arms and ran for the door. Another gunshot followed. So did a lot of loud cursing that he was not inclined to repeat.

He was running while holding his breath. It sounded so simple when Morgan had described it, but now it felt impossible.

As he flung himself out of the building, the woman he'd thrown to the ground was stumbling to her feet, reaching to grab him. Her eyes shot wide open when she saw what he was carrying, but he kept running, swerving out of the reach of her hands, but not the reach of her gun.

She shot at him. A bullet whizzed past him, and he finally broke. He took in a deep breath, practically gasping, hoping he was far enough away from whatever drug had been released into the air.

"Don't shoot the egg!" someone shouted behind him as he threw himself into the trees.

Yes. Don't shoot the egg. Or the man holding it. James didn't want to drop it.

James was struggling to keep a hold on the egg. Sweat was starting to make his shirt stick to him under his jacket, and his hands were getting just as sticky. If he'd been holding onto it without a blanket, he was pretty sure he would've dropped it already. It wasn't just the weight - it was the size, the shape, and the looming dread of dropping it, or the possibility that all his movement had already jostled the egg too much.

Clandestine might be getting a scrambled egg, not a healthy one. He wished she was there to tell him how to properly care for a griffin egg. She was more likely to know than him.

Another bullet whizzed through the woods, but it wasn't close. The shouting was coming closer with the breaking of branches and the crunching of leaves. He knew if he could hear it, they couldn't be that far away.

Stray branches were catching on his clothes, nicking him and his leather jacket and getting caught on his pants as he plowed through the forest. Were he not carrying such heavy and precious cargo, he could've easily avoided the forest eating him alive.

Which was apparently possible. He'd almost forgotten about the giant people-trapping plant from what, weeks ago? It felt like forever. The memory came and left like a leaf in the wind.

Elliot was up ahead, uphill, and boy was James regretting tying Elliot at the top of a hill. His run slowed to a jog as he struggled to scramble up the steep hill without tripping forward, or slipping, or any other number of disastrous things that could happen in a matter of seconds.

It was only then that he realized he had no idea if Diamond and Morgan were getting their side of the deal. They wanted a distraction so they could escape.

If him stealing the egg wasn't a big enough distraction, he didn't know what was.

After what felt like an eternity of precariously jogging up the hill, James finally made it to Elliot. He let out a sigh as he set the egg down by the tree for just a moment so he could untie the rope holding Elliot. Elliot looked a little miffed, flicking his tail and looking down the hill at the source of the shouting that was growing ever closer.

"Yeah," he said breathily, patting Elliot on the side. "I don't like it either. Now let's go."

James lifted the egg up onto his saddle, holding it with both hands, frozen for a second.

How was he supposed to get the egg up there without dropping it? It was too heavy and fragile to just tuck under his arm, and far too large to stick in his saddlebags.

He looked around, scanning the forest around them, feeling his jaw and shoulders tense up.

A rock. A rock would do.

He pulled the egg down from the saddle and clicked his tongue, nodding his head for Elliot to follow.

James wanted so desperately to run to the rock, but he needed Elliot calm and steady. By the time he'd stepped up onto the rock, he saw people at the bottom of the hill through the trees, breaking branches and wielding weapons.

All for an egg.

James pulled the blanket taut around the egg and gripped it firmly as he awkwardly reached his leg up over the saddle. Miraculously, Elliot took the cue and bent down a little bit on his front legs - which was both a blessing as a problem. James slid into the saddle securely, but the angle almost made him lose his balance. He squeezed the saddle with his thighs, desperately trying to keep balance as Elliot got back up.

Another gunshot. He felt something graze his back, but it didn't hit him, so he leaned forward, one arm holding the egg close and the other holding the reins, still with his elbow tight and close to the egg.

His pursuers were on foot. The moment he urged Elliot forward with a tap of his foot, he heard them get further and further away. Elliot wasn't even running as fast as he could - and most of that was because James was terrified of the egg slipping off if he did.

Finally, it was just James, Elliot, and the egg, running through the forest. He'd done his part. He had the egg. He was going to find Clandestine.

All until he heard a piercing shriek.

James's eyes widened, head jerking to the side to see a purple-feathered griffin prowling towards them, breaking into a run.

Terror shot through him.

He couldn't let the griffin pounce on Elliot.

"James!"

He looked ahead. Clandestine was riding up on Billy, worry painted on her face.

"Give me the egg!" she shouted, slowing to meet him. He instructed Elliot to do the same.

Side by side, he held the egg out towards her. Instead of just grabbing it, she hopped off her saddle and then grabbed it, running out in front of Billy and straight towards the griffin. James's heart stopped as he saw her stop and kneel, setting the egg down in front of her.

The griffin skidded to a stop, towering over her bent frame, its head curved down towards her. It was then that James noticed: one of its wings was bent and broken, feathers spattered with what looked like fresh blood. It looked beyond repair.

Clandestine ever-so-slowly pulled the blanket off of the egg, inching back from it before she looked up into its eyes.

For a moment, James thought the griffin was going to attack. It fluffed up the feathers on its neck and puffed itself up, looking down at her like it was ready to fight. And then Clandestine lowered her head again.

"Take it," she said.

The griffin stood still.

"Take it," Clandestine urged more insistently, taking one more step back.

The griffin didn't move, but Clandestine did. With careful steps, she backed away, still squatting down to make herself smaller. She was halfway back to Billy.

The griffin reached out with one of its enormous front claws, talons slowly curving around the egg like a hand. It bent its head down towards the egg, nuzzling it for a second before it turned around with a flare of its wing and darted off into the forest.

Clandestine fell back on her butt on the ground, staring. James wished he could've done the same, but his heart was still racing.

"We did it," Clandestine said. She was facing away from him, and he couldn't see her face, but he could hear it in her voice - she was relieved almost to the point of tears.

James blinked slowly, glancing around them. The forest was quiet.

"I have people following me," James said.

Clandestine didn't respond right away. There was about two seconds delay before she shot up from the ground and spun around to face him, looking at him over Billy's back. Her eyes were wide and her brows arched up in worry.

"James!" she said, almost shouting, before realizing the volume of her voice and lowering it. "Alex is in Ruddlan!"

James stared at her.

"He knows you're here! We need to go!"

Well he already knew that, but now they really needed to go.

"Come on," he said, tensely, tilting his head to the side and looking between her and her horse. She hopped back up on Billy, turning him around. She paused, stopping a little bit ahead of him, looking back. Her eyes dropped to his shirt.

"I think you're bleeding again," she whispered.

James looked down at his shoulder. Sure enough, the blood was leaking through. He'd reopened the wound. He didn't stop to think about why the blood dripping down his armpit had registered as sweat and the pain had been only a passing thought.

Adrenaline did weird things, but when Clandestine drew attention to it, the pain finally registered. Fantastic.

He snapped Elliot's reins. "Let's go."

But as he surged forward, several dogs started barking in the distance.


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Sun Mar 21, 2021 10:23 pm
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Carina says...



james and reopened wounds: name a better duo

also awww mama griffin reunited with egg. hope she somehow shows up in the future to repay her gratitude




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Thu Sep 03, 2020 5:37 am
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Omni wrote a review...



Hey sound! Happy RevMo! Let’s get into it

Ooh, wow, we’re getting to the action! I know you believe your action is not good, so I’ll spend a bit of time dissecting the action for you, see where I can see improvements. Before I begin, let’s set the scene out a bit visually so we can understand better how the movements happen in real time. So, there’s two guards. Probably standing within six feet of each other (not very social distancing of them) and James is rushing in. Where is he rushing in from? The front of them? The side closest to the man? The side closest to the woman? Right now I’m going to assume he’s running headfirst into both of them.

The woman pointed her gun at him and he swerved to the side.


So what happened to the gun here? It’s fairly difficult to dodge a bullet, but I’m also not sure if she even shot, since nothing was said about it.

The man had barely drawn his weapon before James had jumped behind him and ripped it out of his hands.


So what is the woman doing here? It seems that she was the more ready of the two, so James charges at the man first, before he can draw his weapon completely.

A sword. James thrust the pommel into the back of the man's head and let both him and the sword fall to the ground.


Okay so I’m confused here. Was the man facing away from James when he charged at James? How was James able to A) take the man’s weapon even though he hasn’t fully unsheathed it (it says he barely unsheathed it, okay, so he takes it from the man’s hand, but how? Is this man not good at holding weapons?) B) how does he manage to shove it into the back of the man’s head if the man noticed him rushing up to them? When does the man suddenly turn around to let a sword go into the back of his head?

The woman was right up beside him as he lost his human shield,


Is there an action verb that could better explain this? Maybe she pulled out a sword as well and slashed at James, or something along the line. Focus your action on the action, not so much on movement words. Readers can fill in the blanks if you say “so and so slashed at him” instead of “so and so ran at him, slashing”. The key to action is to be brief with your sentences and maintain continuity.

and he dodged the swipe of her arm, bend down and then barreling into her.


She swiped at him with her arm? That doesn’t seem very effective to me. Your next part of the sentence doesn’t make sense, grammatically. Maintaining grammar while still keeping it short helps the reader, because they can spend more time understanding what the sentence is saying if it’s shorter but not grammatically correct. So it’s either “bending down and barreling into her” or “bent down and barreled into her”. Get rid of “then” because it doesn’t matter here.


She grabbed onto him (expected) and he grabbed onto her, flipping her to the ground.


So, how can you say this better? This isn’t bad, but is a little confusing. Here’s an example: “She grabbed onto him and he used her momentum, toppling her onto the ground.” This way, you are more specific and don’t repeat “grabbed”.

For the half-second he had her pinned to the ground, he elbowed her in the face before jumping up, throwing open the door, and rushing in.


You don’t have to talk about the “half-second” he has her there. Just saw that he elbowed her in the face and left them there, entering the building. I hope this helped. I haven’t been the best at action myself, but I have been learning over the years, so I hope that the tips I taught myself can help you in this situation. I honestly with the action was a bit better, but I’ll totally take what I can get. So I liked this chapter part! It was the most eventful chapter part in awhile. I do wish that Clandestine had helped the griffin more than just giving her the egg, but maybe that’ll come at a later date. I see that the dogs just entered the scene at the end, so maybe we’ll get more action in the next part! I hope this helped! Onto the next one :D




soundofmind says...


oh bless, these are helpful dissections lollll

yeah the action in this chapter though it's been a min since i've looked at it is a bit confusing/messy but it helps to see you point out the places it really doesn't make sense and why!! thank uuuu



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Fri Jul 03, 2020 5:31 pm
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And we come to the end of chapter 19,

First Impression: Well that was a pretty exciting heist and surprising successful. And the griffon still doesn't make a lot of sense. At least the duo is back and doing what they do best: running for their lives.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Even though Morgan had filled him in (mostly) on the plan, it was still a guessing game. Run in, get the egg, run out. Don't get shot in the process.


Okay putting those in brackets make it sound like an omniscient narrator is adding his own personal comments. It just interrupts the flow a bit.

James watched them steak up to a window that was propped open. The very fact that it was propped open for air told James that whoever had purchased the egg at Diamond's auction was completely unaware of the conflict they'd stumbled into.


Seems like a bad idea on the part of the buyer.

He watched as the group of thieves began to abandon the back door and the windows, leaving only two people keeping watch out back. If he was right, in seconds, the three masked thieves would be rushing in to grab the egg. Their masks were compromised, but if they came out the side where about of dozen men were gathered, James didn't stand a chance. Diamond and Morgan probably didn't either at this rate.


The effect of these compromised masks is almost unnoticeable in the eventual confrontation. I think they should be mentioned a couple of times at least.

Crouching to the ground, he ran to the blanket and bundled it under the egg, cradling it in his arms. He didn't have time to question if it was the real egg or a fake, and Clandestine couldn't be mad at him for assuming. But if the sheer weight of told him anything, it was very real. It was like carrying a person. Granted, a small person, but still a person.


This is when I realize he really could have used a sack or something like that.

"Don't shoot the egg!" someone shouted behind him as he threw himself into the trees.


Well that order was definitely ignored by everyone because everyone continues to shoot at James.

Elliot was up ahead, uphill, and boy was James regretting tying Elliot at the top of a hill. His run slowed to a jog as he struggled to scramble up the steep hill without tripping forward, or slipping, or any other number of disastrous things that could happen in a matter of seconds.


Yes that is indeed some bad planning from our friend James there.

How was he supposed to get the egg up there without dropping it? It was too heavy and fragile to just tuck under his arm, and far too large to stick in his saddlebags.


Considering those saddlebags have so far done everything that is truly surprising.

Side by side, he held the egg out towards her. Instead of just grabbing it, she hopped off her saddle and then grabbed it, running out in front of Billy and straight towards the griffin. James's heart stopped as he saw her stop and kneel, setting the egg down in front of her.


That's some serious acrobatics right there. Great description.

The griffin reached out with one of its enormous front claws, talons slowly curving around the egg like a hand. It bent its head down towards the egg, nuzzling it for a second before it turned around with a flare of its wing and darted off into the forest.


Well that was a nice moment.

James looked down at his shoulder. Sure enough, the blood was leaking through. He'd reopened the wound. He didn't stop to think about why the blood dripping down his armpit had registered as sweat and the pain had been only a passing thought.


Oh dear this is so true. The number of times it's happened to me.

But as he surged forward, several dogs started barking in the distance.


Who let the dogs out? Woof Woof Woof (I'm so sorry. This just popped into my head for some reason)

And that's it.

Overall: Pretty intense heist and a very interesting griffon scene. Let's see how this all comes together in the next few chapters that I have left to tear through.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Sun May 17, 2020 9:52 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



hey sound!!

I'm back for more! let's GO

The sun was inching closer and closer to the horizon, ushering in the dusk. As James laid quietly on the forest floor under the shelter of bushy plants at the edge of the treeline, he watched the sky turn to shades of purple and orange behind the shed's roof.


this description makes me so happy <3

He watched as three figured emerged from the other side of the wood


I think this is meant to be "figures"?

He really hoped they didn't end up dead.


yeah, that'd be a bummer.

The temptation to desert while there was still time grew stronger.


I'm not sure if I'm just space-y right now, or there was a line about this last time, but did he already mention wanting to desert? If he did, ignore this! If he didn't, you might want to include it, or change it from "grew stronger" since we wouldn't have known it was there to begin to get stronger.


it took me to this point to realise the chapter title was a link and first of all I was today years old when I realised that vine was from a song but also I love that you included that :P


then ran into the clearing with a sprint.


"then ran into the clearing at a sprint"?

For once in his life, he felt truly lucky.


DON'T JINX IT???

Clandestine couldn't be mad at him for assuming


It's kind of sweet of him that he's thinking about this right now? Also like, at least he is considering it but if it were the fake, that'd not as great.

"Don't shoot the egg!" someone shouted behind him as he threw himself into the trees.


Generally Don't Shoot

Yes. Don't shoot the egg. Or the man holding it. James didn't want to drop it.


I love the small lines like this because it shows the slightly sillier side of James? I know this is a really tense situation and it's not really a joke, but it's really nice to see this lighter-hearted part of James when he's usually more tense and practical.

He wished she was there to tell him how to properly care for a griffin egg.


ahaha I just picture Clandestine running next to him instructing him on what to and not to do and them just like, bickering as they're trying to escape this Danger.

Elliot was up ahead, uphill, and boy was James regretting tying Elliot at the top of a hill.


I love your writing style?? have I mentioned that before??

(also, maybe change "at the top of a hill" to "up an incline"? Not necessary, but then you remove the repetitive "hill" : ) )

Elliot wasn't even running as fast as he could - and most of that was because James was terrified of the egg slipping off if he did.


if only the egg had handles rip

James's eyes widened, head jerking to the side to see a purple-feathered griffin prowling towards them, breaking into a run.


I can't remember if this was explained, but how did the griffin end up getting out of the cave with the broken wing?

He couldn't let the griffin pounce on Elliot


This is VERY SWEET and I love your characters loving their horses but I Don't Think it's Eliot/Elliot/Elliott you have to WORRY ABOUT JAMES

"James!" she said, almost shouting, before realizing the volume of her voice and lowering it. "Alex is in Ruddlan!"


I love the image of Clandestine leaping up and just being like "JAMES, ALEX, IT'S BAD"

But as he surged forward, several dogs started barking in the distance.


OH HECK I REMEMBERED THE HOUNDS AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS AND THEN FORGOT ABOUT THEM UNTIL THIS MOMENT


This was a very well-written, action packed chapter!! I'm worried about everything that's piling up right now: The Diamond brothers, Alex and Carter, the HOUNDS after Clandestine. I'm really hoping the griffin gets away with her baby and isn't found by anyone else??

Clandestine meeting up with James, and then returning the egg to the griffin was a very sweet scene. It felt a little rushed, but I'm not sure how to offer suggestions with padding it so that it doesn't? I do have to wonder how Clandestine and James managed to dismount, exchange the egg, and have Clandestine run to the griffin without it getting the wrong idea and pouncing too soon. Maybe describe the griffin as being farther away? Maybe Clandestine took a shortcut in getting to James (though I'm not sure how that would be mentioned here, necessarily), and that's why she gets there before the griffin can get to James?


I don't have much else to say about this chapter? Good job!! I look forward to the next one :D

I hope you have a wonderful day <3




soundofmind says...


Ahhh I LOVE YOUR REVIEWS THEY ALWAYS MAKE MY DAY BRO,, I AM CRYING!!

And you right... the egg-giving to the griffin scene was rushed :( I should've slowed it down or something, but I feel like I kind of wrote myself into a corner. I felt like it needed to happen fast because they are all in a hurry but maybe dragging it out would increase tension? IDK!!!! I don't have many thoughts!

Also you're valid w/your confusion about like, where the griffin came from.

At the end of Clandestine's POV chapter I had her see signs of the griffin and follow. It was mentioned in a previous chapter that after the kid was saved and they looked back in the cave, the griffin was gone. There was another exit the griffin could've crawled out of, but much of what the griffin actually did to get to this point isn't actually covered directly? But basically what happens is Clandestine sees signs of the griffin, has gut feeling to follow, and the griffin leads her to James because the griffin is out looking for baby egg (which James has) now that someone stole her human baby.

She just wants her baby ;-;

ANYWAYS!! THANK YOU SO MuCh I LOVE U THANK U



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Sun Apr 26, 2020 10:26 pm
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LadyMysterio wrote a review...



Hello, Lady Mysteir here to review!
I like your use of words, and the way you describe things makes for great word picture,

Right off the bat, I noticed the is sentence was a bit long.

As James laid quietly on the forest floor under the shelter of bushy plants at the edge of the treeline, he watched the sky turn to shades of purple and orange behind the shed's roof.

I would suggest changing it, by adding a period where the comma is and a comma in the first sentences. I love the way you describe the sky.
noticed very few spelling mistakes so great job at proofreading.

This was the only one I noticed
James watched them steak up to a window that was propped open

Also in the part where James fights off the tow gourds, I don't think you can stick a sword through someone's head very easily, thx to the skull, maybe change it to through his neck.

I would add a comma in the hereafter the word boy or changing it to italic, I had to read it a few times to get what you meant, or what James meant.


I love the many paragraph breaks it make for a very clean read.
I also LOVE the ending!




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Sun Apr 26, 2020 10:11 pm
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Elinor wrote a review...



Hi sound,

Elinor here from Slytherin house to review your chapter. I originally wasn't going to write any more reviews, but I saw this poking around in the Green Room and I wanted to help knock it off. Plus, I like your writing and like writing in RPs with you. I know I've read very little of your writing, and I'm hoping to change that! I think I may have actually reviewed the first couple of chapters of this novel and then dropped off with it, because the characters are familiar to me! I don't think you've used James in one of the RPs I've been in with you.

Beyond that, though, I'm not really familiar with what has happened up to this point in the story, so I'll do my best to write you a review. I really like your writing overall, and you have a nice easy, style that's easy to get invested in. It's accessible, and I appreciate that about your writing overall.
I also like the dynamic between James and Clandestine, and I'd definitely be interested in reading more.

Hope this helps, and keep writing! :D

All the best,
Elinor

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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Ooft I love that you have a soundtrack to this - I find it really helps me get into it! Totally pinching that for if I ever post actual writing on this site again :)

I haven't read any of this before, so will keep my comments specifically about this chapter rather than plot or character development.

Elliot was waiting even further back, tied to a tree and quiet.

This wording makes it seem a little like he's tied to a quiet xD

He felt something graze his back, but it didn't hit him, so he leaned forward, one arm holding the egg close and the other holding the reins, still with his elbow tight and close to the egg.

I think a graze might just count as something hitting him!

Side by side, he held the egg out towards her. Instead of just grabbing it, she hopped off her saddle and then grabbed it, running out in front of Billy and straight towards the griffin. James's heart stopped as he saw her stop and kneel, setting the egg down in front of her.

The griffin skidded to a stop, towering over her bent frame, its head curved down towards her. It was then that James noticed: one of its wings was bent and broken, feathers spattered with what looked like fresh blood. It looked beyond repair.

Clandestine ever-so-slowly pulled the blanket off of the egg, inching back from it before she looked up into its eyes.

For a moment, James thought the griffin was going to attack. It fluffed up the feathers on its neck and puffed itself up, looking down at her like it was ready to fight. And then Clandestine lowered her head again.

"Take it," she said.


The pacing is a little off here. It feels like we've gone from everything being super quick to Clandestine doing something incredibly slowly with no transition and it's a little jarring!

But as he surged forward, several dogs started barking in the distance.

The near distance.


I get that you're trying to build suspense/tension/drama here but I'm not 100% it's worked too well. The last line makes it sound overly sarcastic, more like you're making fun of the situation which I don't think was your intent? Perhaps you could play with this a little!

Other than that this was well written and an enjoyable read, I'm interested to see where you take it next!

Happy review day.

Icy




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Mon Apr 20, 2020 3:39 pm
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JesseWrites says...



I find the conversation funny, but i don't know if that was the actual idea behind it. The egg was causing some problems and I think it was hilarious. The "take it" was all over and just gave that effect.

"The near distance." What a ending. It was kind of odd to me.

~S.M.Locke~




soundofmind says...


Hey Locke! Thanks for your comment! :)

I think the general chaos of the conversation can be read as being pretty funny, and I'm glad it was hilarious! I love that lol.

And aaa yeah - the ending was me trying to build suspense haha but I think I might have worded it awkwardly. Basically I was trying to say that there are aggressive dogs barking and they are getting very close!




Who knows anything about anyone, let alone themselves.
— Hank Green