z

Young Writers Society



The Lost Dragon 17.1

by soundofmind


Chapter 17 Part 1 - Hello Here is My Resume, As You Can See, I Majored In Legitimate

His senses were reeling.

Blood, blood, so much blood. And all to silence some thieves from what, fearfully babbling about some mage they ran into?

Robin crept out of the forest on all fours, his head low as he poked his head out of the trees. Nobody was there. Nobody had seen the palace guard slice the throats of the three innocent witnesses, as questionable as they might've seemed. Robin's nose curled as he drew closer, looking down at the pools of blood soaking through their garments, staining the dusty wagon road.

He'd been following the palace wagon the moment he saw the kingdom's crest embezzled on the side doors. Normal Moonlight Kingdom guards didn't have reason to be out this far with a palace wagon. They would be armored, sure, but he could smell how foreign the travelers within were. They were from the heart of the kingdom. Everyone from the kingdom's heart had that same smell... the smell of snow and cold stone, the smell of coals and wood burning in a fire to keep their homes warm.

But now all he smelt was death already creeping upon the corpses in the midday sun. When he trailed the wagon in suspicion he had not expected to happen upon this. Kingdom guards were never this reckless, never this hasty. He hadn't expected the small confrontation to end so suddenly. He hadn't expected to witness a murder at the hands of a high ranking kingdom guard - not against humans. Humans who weren't mages.

Robin's fur bristled as he thought of the look on the man's face when he'd drawn his sword. That was not a face he wanted to see again.

With a small sigh, he sat on his haunches a few steps away from the bodies, debating on how he should go about respectfully bringing their bodies out of the road. The three folks didn't look like they had much besides themselves, and he didn't know how he'd find their families if they had any. His heart sunk and he bowed his head and curled his tail about his front paws.

"May the earth reclaim your bodies in the dust," he said softly. "And may you rest peacefully in death. 'Cause that guy was messed up."

With one last sigh, Robin shifted from his wolven form to his human form in one, instantaneous second. Where a large brown wolf once sat, stood a short black man in a dapper suit with silver cufflinks. He started to roll up his sleeves. There wasn't going to be an easy way to get the bodies out of the road, and burying them would take time.

But he had to hurry.

As much as the sudden act of violence had shaken him, the conversation that happened just before left him with many worries and questions. If the poor travelers were right about running into a mage whose magic was indeed, creative in nature, it was very possible they'd run into a dragon. Svida, specifically, if it was fire.

But what on earth would Svida be doing awake? Svida hadn't been seen since the wake of the calamity. And in all the stories he'd heard, she'd never walked around freely in her human form. What on earth would Svida be doing out here, near Ruddlan, with two horses, after almost 100 years of silence? Why hadn't she told anyone?

Robin's head was starting to hurt. He lifted the youngest victim in his arms, hands under her legs with his other under her back. Despite being small and thin, she felt heavy. Lifeless.

Regardless of whether or not Svida was running around or if the travelers were just mistaken about a mage's magic, he had to find that woman before that crazed soldier did. He looked down at the face of the woman in his arms as he carried her out into the forest, and he held his breath.

He wished he had more to go on. This was going to be difficult.

-- -- -- -- --

Clandestine's breath hitched in her throat as she looked up at the gigantic house from the outer gate.

James hadn't been joking when he'd said the mayor lived in a mansion. Obviously, compared to the sheer massiveness that was the griffin games arena, the house was a huge downgrade, but still. For a home, it was huge. It was about three stories high, and she couldn't even begin to estimate how many rooms must've been inside. Ten? Twenty? At least ten, right? The only time she'd ever been in a building that could compare in size was the guild from a hundred years ago, and that was considerably more musty.

The face of the building was composed of arches and tall, rounded windows. Pillars stood around the front doors at the top of a small trail of steps that let up to it. Leading up to those steps was a nice, cobblestone path that spread out in a loop where wagons could stop in front and then come back around and out.

The building was painted white and little red shutters framed every other window. The front lawn was pristinely gardened, with rows of flowers organized by color, and hedged in by more flower bushes. It felt like the very air around the mansion was different. Clearer. Cleaner. Richer, than the rest of the town.

That would explain why the mansion sat at the edge of the town, at the top of a hill, surrounded by the most fortified part of the city walls.

Clandestine fiddled with her papers in her pocket. They would be her only ticket into a place like this if they even heard her out on her offer. She was beginning to feel that maybe she wasn't cut out for something of this scale when a guard at the front gate looked her up and down and waved to her. The guard was wearing the same kind of uniform she'd been seeing glimpses of around town. Tan leather armor on their chest, shoulders, and arms, and a red collared shirt that went about half-way up their neck, unless they had a short neck. Then it was more like a turtle neck. Clandestine looked to the guard with a nod, and she rode Billy up to the gate before hopping down.

"What is your business here?" the woman asked, giving Clandestine what she was pretty sure was a critical glance. It wasn't Clandestine's fault that she'd gotten lost in a forest running after her partner and running away from a bounty hunter and she hadn't had many chances to clean up. Not mostly, anyway. Clandestine squared her shoulders and stood a little taller than the below-average height guard.

"I'm here with a business inquiry," she said, before fluttering her eyes, questioning her choice of words. Before the woman could interject she tried to make up for her lack of clarity. "I'd like to offer the mayor my services regarding a griffin problem. I'm a freelancing monster hunter," she said, noting how the guard's critical expression turned to mild interest as her eyebrows raised. Clandestine felt a sting of pride, and she smiled as she pulled out her papers.

Fraudulent as they were, no one had ever suspected them of being so. A small part of her worried that the guard would by chance, be a master of all official documentation, but as her eyes scrolled down the paper, she only seemed to nod, noting Clandestine's 'official status.'

But then the guard took a step back.

"Did Barlowe summon you here?"

Clandestine felt a bead of sweat form on her brow. She held her smile, a little strained. "Uh... no. But I have reason to believe I could be of use. I'm sure you already know, being a guard of hers and all, but there's a griffin that's on the loose, yeah?"

If the guard knew what she was talking about, she didn't show it.

"Well that griffin also snatched up a kid, and I have reason to believe the griffin might cause more trouble if it isn't caught soon. And with myself being a professional monster hunter, I think my concern for the safety of this town is reasonable, don't you think?" Clandestine looked through the bars of the metal gates. "Only thing is, being a freelancing monster hunter doesn't always come with steady pay. So if I could get something in exchange for my services..." she trailed off, waggling a brow towards the guard. The guard let out a sigh and followed Clandestine's gaze into the gate.

"I could send a page to let her know you're in town," the guard said. "We could arrange a meeting with her in a few days."

Clandestine cleared her throat, trying not to sound as appalled as she was as her eyes widened and her mouth gaped open.

"A few days?" she whined. "The griffin will be long gone by then, or out there causing more trouble! I have to speak with her as soon as possible! Unless you want me running around town telling everyone there's a griffin flying arou-"

That was when the guard shot Clandestine a sharp glare. "Fine," she said sharply. "Keep your mouth shut."

She snapped her fingers and shouted. "Hogarth, get over here!"

A man jogged over in the same tan armor and a red collared shirt. His long black hair was pulled up into a neat bun at the nape of his neck, and he towered over her from behind the gate. Clandestine listened as they whispered hushed orders and information, hearing small blurbs of what she'd said being retold to the Hogarth guy. She backed up a few steps when both the woman and Hogarth glanced up at her, and she couldn't help but wonder if this plan was going to work, or if she was already in trouble. Nervously, she tucked a foot behind her ankle and looked at the ground.

Suddenly, the hushed chatter came to a stop and she heard the sound of the gate's lock unlatching and the metal doors squeaking slightly as they were pulled open. Hogarth and the woman guard were both pushing them open.

"We'll have you wait in the lobby," Hogarth informed her. "I'll have a servant take your horse for the time being."

Clandestine blinked, a little amazed. She was about to ask them if they were sure, but instead, pulled up a bright smile. "Thank you so much for your kindness," she said, leading Billy forward.

Hogarth returned her smile with a polite, professional one of his own, but the woman guard only kept a straight face and didn't look at her. Clandestine couldn't help but feel like she made a bad impression.

She shrugged a little to herself as she walked up the cobblestone path. At least she'd made it this far.


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Sun Mar 21, 2021 5:17 pm
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Carina says...



OOOOOO I FINALLY MEET ROBIN

he seems like a nice doggy




soundofmind says...


hahahahah



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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

And it is time to begin Chapter 17.

First Impression: Wait a minute. We have a werewolf now? Over. Anyway, well that plan worked much better than I was imagining but then maybe the plan still has a possiblity of going very wrong. Also how good is she at forgery? Or did someone else make these for her?

Anyway let's get to it.

He hadn't expected to witness a murder at the hands of a high ranking kingdom guard - not against humans. Humans who weren't mages.


Clearly this man hasn't seen a movie in his life.

"May the earth reclaim your bodies in the dust," he said softly. "And may you rest peacefully in death. 'Cause that guy was messed up."


Okay that last line detracts from the seriousness of that earlier statement. I feel like significantly takes away the impact of that earlier sentiment.

But what on earth would Svida be doing awake? Svida hadn't been seen since the wake of the calamity. And in all the stories he'd heard, she'd never walked around freely in her human form. What on earth would Svida be doing out here, near Ruddlan, with two horses, after almost 100 years of silence? Why hadn't she told anyone?


Well at least we find this out now.

The face of the building was composed of arches and tall, rounded windows. Pillars stood around the front doors at the top of a small trail of steps that let up to it. Leading up to those steps was a nice, cobblestone path that spread out in a loop where wagons could stop in front and then come back around and out.

The building was painted white and little red shutters framed every other window. The front lawn was pristinely gardened, with rows of flowers organized by color, and hedged in by more flower bushes. It felt like the very air around the mansion was different. Clearer. Cleaner. Richer, than the rest of the town.

That would explain why the mansion sat at the edge of the town, at the top of a hill, surrounded by the most fortified part of the city walls.


Great description right there to establish the setting. Does a great job of setting the scene.

"I'm here with a business inquiry," she said, before fluttering her eyes, questioning her choice of words. Before the woman could interject she tried to make up for her lack of clarity. "I'd like to offer the mayor my services regarding a griffin problem. I'm a freelancing monster hunter," she said, noting how the guard's critical expression turned to mild interest as her eyebrows raised. Clandestine felt a sting of pride, and she smiled as she pulled out her papers.


Nice little part there to show that she does love her job.

"Well that griffin also snatched up a kid, and I have reason to believe the griffin might cause more trouble if it isn't caught soon. And with myself being a professional monster hunter, I think my concern for the safety of this town is reasonable, don't you think?" Clandestine looked through the bars of the metal gates. "Only thing is, being a freelancing monster hunter doesn't always come with steady pay. So if I could get something in exchange for my services..." she trailed off, waggling a brow towards the guard. The guard let out a sigh and followed Clandestine's gaze into the gate.


This is some good planning by Clandestine mentioning money and then later blackmailing them with the threat of spreading the word of the escaped griffon around.

Clandestine blinked, a little amazed. She was about to ask them if they were sure, but instead, pulled up a bright smile. "Thank you so much for your kindness," she said, leading Billy forward.

Hogarth returned her smile with a polite, professional one of his own, but the woman guard only kept a straight face and didn't look at her. Clandestine couldn't help but feel like she made a bad impression.

She shrugged a little to herself as she walked up the cobblestone path. At least she'd made it this far.


Good move by her to thank the guards. But now I can't help but wonder when the mage hunters are going to finally get alerted about her.

And that's it for this one.

Overall: Well interesting new character and the griffon plans move forward. Some pretty intriguing backstory revealed there and that's pretty much it so let's see where this goes from here.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Wed Jun 26, 2019 5:17 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



hey sound! back again for another review :D


Hello Here is My Resume, As You Can See, I Majored In Legitimate


17 chapters later and still loving the chapter titles xD

Robin crept out of the forest on all fours


o: ooh new character who IS he

Nobody had seen the palace guard slice the throats of the three innocent witnesses,


I am Here for someone having seen Carter kill the people Clanny ran into. Also! I'm glad this is coming back into light, because I was kind of wondering when it would. It kinda got left behind a while back, and it's really nice seeing it come back! It doesn't feel like too strange a place to come back either? And I like that it follows a Clandestine chapter.
also thieves' throats got sliced and diced

the smell of coals and wood burning in a fire to keep their homes warm.


the best smell

Robin's fur bristled


oh is he like, some kinda forest creature or a shapeshifter? o:

'Cause that guy was messed us."


This made me chuckle. It did kind of stand out in the dialogue, and I don't know if that's what you were going for? Also, I think this is an odd place for an emphasis? But otherwise ye, I like this haha also Yes he Is.

With one last sigh, Robin shifted from his wolven form to his human form in one, instantaneous second.


Now you'd think I would learn to keep reading instead of calling into question things that will probably come back into question before the chapter/part is over. And yet, I do not.

stood a short black man in a dapper suit with silver cufflinks.


Dapperâ„¢

Svida, specifically, if it was fire.


!!!!!!


Okay! I! I am really excited about all this dragon stuff and like,, what's going on?? Sorry, yes, I am curious about James as well. But I'm really fascinated by all this dragon stuff, and how it relates to Clanny! What's going on with her! I think I had mentioned this at some point a while ago? When I said it seemed odd that Clandestine's past was revealed so soon and so easily. I'm really glad it's coming back again though, but in a way that not even Clandestine seems to know? Like, there's definitely more to the story than it seemed before. oof okay I'm just,, excited haha.


Despite being small and thin, she felt heavy.


I'm sure I've missed a lot of these, but I would change "felt" to "was", because that's telling. Just say that she was heavy, you don't have to soften it with "felt". (this applies to any "sense" descriptor. The prose almost always gets weakened by "felt" "heard" "smelled" "saw" "tasted". Just say it as it is)

he had to find that woman before that crazed soldier did.


YES!! I mean, I don't know Robin, and maybe he's shifty! But I like him and he seems soft and caring?? And I love Clanny and James as a duo, but it'd also be really cool to see other characters in the fold with them! (or maybe he just pops up real quick and then books it off again lol. who knows? I mean,,,,, probably you but y'know)

He wished he had more to go on. This was going to be difficult.


More to go on as in... finding Clandestine? Or something else? How much did Robin see/hear? He kind of seemed like he'd heard most or all of the conversation, and didn't the thieves describe Clandestine pretty well? Or does he mean more in the sense of her being/having some relation to Svida.


anyway I'm really excited about the dragon and lore and all that if you couldn't tell.

The only time she'd even been in a building that could compare in size was the guild from a hundred years ago, and that was considerably more musty.


How does she know if the guild was more musty if she hasn't actually entered the building yet?

The front lawn was pristinely gardened, with rows of flowers organized by color, and hedged in by more flower bushes.


I'm not a fan of the repetitive "flower" here. Maybe change the "flower bushes" to "bushes in full blossom"? Or,, you know. Something.

Clearer. Cleaner. Richer, than the rest of the town.


come buy your Rich Air today! specials going all week (still pretty expensive though)

She was beginning to feel that maybe she wasn't cut out for something of this scale


Like here? I'd change it to "She was beginning to doubt she was cut out for something of this scale", or some other way to cut out "feel". Like I said, write it as it is! It feels weird at first (I know lol), but it really does make for strengthened prose.

Clandestine felt a sting of pride,


Okay, I think you know what I'm going to say about "felt" ;) however, I actually pulled the line because I was going to say that "sting" is an odd way to feel pride? Like, in this case, it's a happy sort of pride, but sting is a negative, more painful implication. They end up cancelling each other out, more or less.

be a master of all official documentation,


Anyways, I love Clandestine and the way you write her.

she trailed off, waggling a brow towards the guard.


she's the best

(ah, "towards" the guard though? Maybe,, "waggling a brow at the guard" might,, sound a little less like she's physically grabbed her own brows and is waggling them at the guard?)

Unless you want me running around town telling everyone there's a griffin flying arou-"


OH! Clandestine's BLACKMAILING HER! I love soft Clanny but I also love this. get 'em, girl!

"Thank you so much for your kindness,"


I know these last several quotes have just been me gushing over Clandestine but here we are again, and me, still loving Clandestine.


irrelevant, but I listen to music when I'm doing reviews because I've got major focus issues. I listened to your james playlist on soundcloud and it's terrific for setting the mood to read/review???


One quick thing- didn't Carter tell whoever was with him in his wagon to put the bodies in the forest? Or am I misremembering? Or is that,,, not what Robin is doing and I'm misunderstanding??


That's all I have for today! ahh keep up the good work I'm very excited about Clandestine and all this dragon business!!

I hope you're having a wonderful time! <3




soundofmind says...


BLESS YOU AND ILY FOR YOUR REVIEWS i give u big hugs

also omg hahaha i'm glad the playlist helped you get into the reviewing mood lol

One quick thing- didn't Carter tell whoever was with him in his wagon to put the bodies in the forest? Or am I misremembering? Or is that,,, not what Robin is doing and I'm misunderstanding??

wow so uh... i totally forgot that. that's my fault for writing this chapter way too late in the story and forgetting my own stuff haaaaaaa :,)

but yeah you right, he did say something like that



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Sat Jun 15, 2019 8:01 pm
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Omni wrote a review...



alrighty im here once again! let's jump into this!

oh new character, alrighty XD let's see who this guy is and why he's important :P

okay so is carter just killing people who see him or are these the same people who told him about the fire mage? I'm a little confused here. I suppose it doesn't really make a difference in the story either way, but it would get me more insight as to Carter's character.

Oh, is Robin a wolf? or Dog? or Werewolf? something along those lines?

This is so interesting, so Clandestine is the Lost Dragon? That's what your title is about? Wow, innnnnteresting, like, that brings so much more mystery to Clandestine's character. Like, does she not realize she's a dragon, and why was she locked away for so long? I'm immediately more on board with Robin and this main storyline again than the griffin stuff we've had for the past chapter or too. Don't get me wrong, it's not bad writing by any means, but you know by now why I say that.

Clandestine knows how to talk her way out of the holes that she mostly digs herself out of XD I also like, from a writer's perspective, that her first approach didn't work, so she had to resort to something else. It's small things like that that get rid of two dimensional characters and Mary Sues/Gary Stus.

Okay, so like I said, the main storyline here interests me much more than the side storyline, and I do like that half the chapter was devoted to the main storyline. I feel like that would be the best way to go in the future, especially if you're wanting to keep the griffin storyline in the same place in a future draft. Just because, like I mentioned, the griffin storyline really does feel like a side quest, and ignoring the main quest for chapters isn't the best way to do that.

AND NOW IM CAUGHT UP WOO! I look forward to your next chapter :D




soundofmind says...


okay so is carter just killing people who see him or are these the same people who told him about the fire mage?

they're the same bandits who said they saw Clanny/aka fire mage! asdgfdgdsf

I'm glad u like,, the story with Robin and stuff ashgfldjkh. I plan on,, finishing the griffin arc in this draft ofc but your thoughts have been really helpful about pacing and just like, where to put plot info and it's got me thinking moreee

tHAMK U SM FOR THE REVIEW(S) and <3 <3 <3



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Sat Jun 08, 2019 9:10 pm
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Mageheart wrote a review...



Hey, sound! I'm here to review your chapter. <3

Small Comments


His senses were reeling.


sound what did you do to James

Robin crept out of the forest on all fours, his head low as he poked his head out of the trees. Nobody was there. Nobody had seen the palace guard slice the throats of the three innocent witnesses, as questionable as they might've seemed. Robin's nose curled as he drew closer, looking down at the pools of blood soaking through their garments, staining the dusty wagon road.


Oh, thank Mickey God! I was worried you were putting James through even more trouble than usual, but it's just a traumatized guy instead. I do have to worry about Robin, though, seeing that Carter was the guard in question.

But now all he smelt was death already creeping upon the corpses in the midday sun.


This guy seems to be commenting a lot on smell...

Humans who weren't mages.


Is this a certain shy werewolf?

Robin's fur bristled as he thought of the look on the man's face when he'd drawn his sword. That was not a face he wanted to see again.


...Definitely the werewolf, then.

"May the earth reclaim your bodies in the dust," he said softly. "And may you rest peacefully in death. 'Cause that guy was messed up."


I was going to comment on how respectful he was being, and how I loved the subtle worldbuilding with that prayer, but then I died when I read the last line. Nice one. :P

What on earth would Svida be doing out here, near Ruddlan, with two horses, after almost 100 years of silence? Why hadn't she told anyone?


Interesting.

Clandestine cleared her throat, trying not to sound as appalled as she was as her eyes widened and her mouth gaped open.

"A few days?" she whined. "The griffin will be long gone by then, or out there causing more trouble! I have to speak with her as soon as possible! Unless you want me running around town telling everyone there's a griffin flying arou-"


Good one, Clanny!

Clandestine blinked, a little amazed. She was about to ask them if they were sure, but instead, pulled up a bright smile. "Thank you so much for your kindness," she said, leading Billy forward.


I love how polite Clanny is. <3

Overall Comments


As I suspected, I don't have any critiques. What I do have is some theories, and they're theories that are making me very excited. I know that the griffin plan probably isn't going to go as expected, even if the mayor agrees to it. I also suspect that James is going to have a run-in with Carter if Clanny doesn't beat him to it first. But what I do see is Robin - or someone he works with like a certain one-eyed man we all know and love - joining up with James and Clanny at the end of this adventure or the next one, since he has to show up eventually.

Overall, I'm incredibly excited for whatever you have in store for your lovable idiots characters!




soundofmind says...


I'M BIG HAPPY and oooo your theories heehee. They're fun to read :,)

BIG LOVE and thank u sm for reading <3 <3




People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
— Albus Dumbledore