The Gate.

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Chapter 1... The Gate

She sat in the familiar darkness. She was safe here, her personal hiding place, where nothing from her outside world could harm or hurt her. The darkness encasing her, overwhelmed her body with a feeling of peace. She willed herself not to open her eyes,because she knew,when she did she would be forced to face her own,fatal reality. One she no longer had the strength to face. In mid thought, a loud knock, followed by a voice brang her from her peaceful state.

"Avianna! Why aren't you up yet? If we're late again, your Father will kill you, then me!" came a familiar voice. One she'd known, loved, and right this minute despised with every fiber in her being.

She left her table with a sigh, and took off her robe, leaving only her black, cotton, fitted training clothing. She made her way to her door and opened in just enough time to cut off the boy at the door as he started a new sentence.

"AVIA--" he stopped arubtly. Jaymin. Her best friend since child hood. Nature had apparently eased up on him since then. His scrawny body,replaced with stern muscles, his brown eyes, now almost hazel. His brown hair ruffled hair now cut, still shaggy but now sandy brown with flecks of darker brown. He's taller than me now, as children we were the same height.  On his right bicep, is a tattoo, of a tree with  a raven, symbolizing my importance to him.

"Well good morning to you too Jaymin. Aren't you in a lovely mood today?" I replied sarcastically.

"Just trying to top your amazing tone of voice Ava, he snapped back. "we were supposed to be at the training ring over 10 minuets ago. Your Father is gonna have a complete meltdown. Plus you'll have to deal with that THING, of a partner."

"Don't be rude, he's just as good as you. If you weren't injured, I'd be fighting you, but you so stupidly, broke half your body, not following proper methods.. Now don't blame me for your ignorant mistake." I said finally, adding a hint of anger so he'd back off the subject.

I walked back over to my table, leaned over and looked myself in the mirror. The first thing I notice, like everyone else, is my eyes. Deep violet. Symbolizing my difference from every other Sabel. I wished I could change them. I hated them. I grabbed my black and brown hair and threw it into a high pony tail, sighed and walked away. I stopped for a second noticing Jaymin looking at me, like he had when we were kids, he knew. Knew how sad I was inside. But I put on my reserve and pushed my way  past him, still angry with him for being so rude earlier.

With Jay in tow, we walked right by a group of guards, who opened the gate into the town for us. I walked amongst my people, children playing by the horses, wives sitting and chatting with their husbands, young girls with beads in their hair, long skirts and short tops smiling and flirting with the young soldiers. Smiles and laughter blessed our small city, for that much I was greatful. I reached the training ring and jumped over the gate, Jay doing the same. Standing in the middle talking to another young boy, was Lucas. My training partner. Smug, anal, Lucas. Who once again, as children was not graced with the looks he was now. He was tall, broad shouldered, hard muscles, blonde hair cut ragged, green strong eyes, a spiral charm in his ear, with a wolves paw tattooed on his neck. Noticing me walking towards him he stops talking to the boy and looks at me.

"Ah, Avianna, how nice of you to finally join us. Your a wee bit late, but Im sure dear old Dad isn't here to notice." said Lucas as he winked at me.

"Morning to you too Lucas, and don't worry, wether my Father is here to notice or not, you'll still never beat me. You're not fast enough, and we all know it. "I replied just as  smug and winked back, as I made my way past him to the other end of the ring, I felt his eyes as well as Jays on me, took off my shall and left it on the ground.

Turning to face him, I noticed Lucas still staring at me. He grinned and took off his shirt, only leaving his abdomen muscels to my eye. I looked at him, unimpressed. "You sure you're up to this Avianna. I wouldn't want you to get hurt, in front of the entire guard. You know, I won't hurt you that bad,gorgeous." he said to me.

I heard Jay laugh. I looked at Lucas and said "Don't worry about me. Im a big girl, and surely capable of taking care of myself. You just watch your own back. Okay? Gorgeous?" I added. I heard small laughs and ''ha's'' from the guard surrounding the ring.

"Okay. Bring it on girl" he replied. I watched, Michael get into the ring, a tall, tanned boy, and says "Okay on my count, alright?" he lookes at both me and Lucas, us bothing nodding in agreement.

He backed up slowly and said "1.....2............3!!!" he yelled and jumped back over the fence.

Lucas came at me and caught me around the waist, flipping me over his shoulder, hoping for me to land on my back. Too his surprise, I landed on my feet with my cat like reflexes. I looked up at him, he grunted,  grinned and came at me again. This time he threw his entire body at me with full force, I sprang out of the way, as he landed on his feet. I sprang over the piller and landed on his back, grabbing his shoulders and pushing him over. I pulled one arm over his neck and pinned him to the ground. He laughed at me and said "That all you got princess?". "No, no its not, but I don't think you can take the rest" I replied. He then slide his knee up and kicked me in the gut, sending me flying across the ring, my back hitting the hard, solid wood frame of the gate. "Damnit." I mumbled to myself. Watching Lucas he got up off the ground and spun around and faced me. "Looking tired Avianna. You sure you don't wanna give up now? Wouldn't want to damage that pretty face of yours, before your birthday." he yelled. "

I pulled my feet under me and pushed with all my strength off the boards, flinging myself back at him, I quickly wrapped my arms around his throat and my feet around his waist, in most occasions an embrace of love and passion, in this moment, my hope was to choke the life out of him. He fell to the ground and me with him. I released his neck, and punched him in the jaw. He once again laughed at me. I punched him again. I then grabbed his arms and flung him over my shoulder and to my content he landed on his back. He stayed there too.

I walked over to Lucas, laying on the ground and said "You sure, you don't wanna give up now princess? Looking a little tired." I heard Michael jump back into the pen and come over to Lucas. "You okay man? Jeez, you look like shit. Got your ass kicked too." he said as he helped Lucas off the ground. When he could stand on his own, Michael came over to me, grabbed my wrist and held up my arm, yelling "Avianna wins AGAIN!". The guard laughed and began to clap. Jay jumped into the pen and came over to me.

"Congratulations. Although it doesn't surprise me." he said.

I looked at him and said "Great." and walked away.

I jumped the other end of the ring and began to walk back to my room. I hear Jay sigh and Lucas come over to him and say "Let it go man, she's not interested". Then I heard the sound of skin hitting skin and Lucas hitting the ground again. Jay, of course had punched him. I smiled to myself, and then realized I had left my shawl in the ring, I decided to go back and get it later, I didn't want to be bothered now. I heard my name being called, and knew it was Jay looking for me. He's the only one stubborn or stupid enough to follow me when Im like this. Suddenly, I feel a presence. I groan and turn around, and Im facing my Father. He's aged in the face, but still as strong built as ever. Broad shouldered, no tattoo's. My father, unlike me, has brown eyes, and is wearing his day clothes, long pants with a fitted shirt, the chain with my mothers birthstone wrapped around his neck.

"Avianna. he says to greet me.

"Father" I reply.

"I saw your fight. Your getting so much better. You've always had a gift to fight. Your strength is amazing. Congratulations on your win." He said.

I looked at him, frustrated. He never payed any attention to me other than to scold me, clearly he was sick. "Thank You, Im tired so I'm going to shower."I replied and walked away.

As I walked, my frustration and anger built, and I cracked my worn knuckles. Noticing my nails were black. Clearly I was more angry than I thought. I shook my head and laughed at myself. When I made it to the gate, Jay was there. Looking, deep in concentration. Leaning up against the gate, arms crossed. As I approached, he looked up at me. I didn't look back at him. The guards opened the door and I entered, once again Jay followed. "Ava." He said sternly. I continued to walk and not answer him. "Avianna." he said, now clearly he's angry, he never calls me by my full name. I spin around on my heel and face him, my eyes flashing green. Jay's not frightened of me, he never has been, he knows all my little tricks of being different. "Look, Im sorry. My attitude and behaviour this morning was rude and uncalled for. Forgive me and stop being so childish." he said.

I looked at him, stunned. "Im being childish?! You have some nerve! You're the one punching out memebers of the guard!" I replied.

Jay took a deep breathe, his chest going up and down hard. The vein in his neck pulsing. "Avianna, Im trying my best not to get angry here, but you have to stop this! What is going on? Why are you so angry about me knocking on your door? What I brang you out of your own head? You don't do anything but scold yourself and work yourself into a hole. Your making yourself crazy." he said.

I searched Jays face, looking for Jay, my best friend, the one who understood everything, I hated this constant arguing we were doing lately. "Jay, Im tired of being different. That is my only issue. I apologize for yelling at you. Now please leave me be." I said and turned to walk away, but Jay grabbed my arm. He then handed me my shawl. No dust left from the ring, clean. Like I never left it in the dirt. He smiled at me, a sad smile. I took it and hugged him. Burying my face in his chest. I felt tears begin to well in my eyes, I pulled my self away from Jay and put my reserve back on. I started to walk away and Jay followed me into my room closing the door behind him.

"Will you please tell me why your so fond of that Lucas kid?" asked Jay.

"I'm not fond of him! What makes you say that?" I reply.

"Oh, just the fact that you gawked at him when he took his shirt off, was just about as obvious as him gawking at you when you took your shawl off. Its quite pathetic actually." He said.

"Don't be jealous Jay. Its not a good look on you. Plus, Lucas has uhm..whats her name? The girl with the blue eyes?" I said.

"Maria?"

"Yes, Maria. Didn't you hear? He's courting her. Has  been for weeks."

"Oh! Aha. Is that jealousy I hear in your voice Ava?" said Jay as he laughed at me.

"Whatever. What about you? Who are you courting? That Evalynne girl? She's pretty." I replied.

Jay stopped laughing suddenly, and got up and came behind me. His breathe on my neck and said "You don't have to worry about that. She's not my type. I don't do blondes, I'm more of a midnight black hair guy." I began to say something, but I noticed he was gone. I turned around and found myself alone in my room. I didn't really enjoy being alone, but I think I needed it. I undid my hair and climbed onto my bed,and fell asleep.

Hours later, I woke up, it was dark in my room and I was covered by a blanket. Jay. I smiled to myself. I got up out of my bed and went to the window. The only thing I could see was the moon. As I stared into the dark forest, I could hear barking. Another Sabel. What where they doing at this time of night out of the city walls? I thought. Curious of course, I decided to go out. I looked around my room, then quickly flung my leg over the window ceil and jumped. I landed on the roof and made my way down and quickly ran into the dark forest.

I felt my hair whip me in the face, I blinked trying to get my eyes to adjust to the dark, I closed them and willed my wolf out. My eyes then changed and I could see, just like the sun was out. I walked around and looked for the Sabels. Nothing. I could feel someone there though. I continued to walk, cautiously looking around. Suddenly, I felt a hand around my arm and pull me over. I almost screamed but decided not too and instead kicked my attacker in the gut. I spun around and ran to another tree and looked across at the person, who turned out to be a teenaged boy, maybe only 2 years older than me. He was tall, with short cut black hair and blue eyes. Broad shoulders, thick muscled arms, and clean shaven. He was an Alpha. His moon tattoo on his shoulder, told me so.

"Who are you?" he said, his voice like husky, but smooth.

"Avianna. Princess Avianna. Dematrius's daughter. Who are you?" I asked.

"Shane. No title. I've heard of you, the Halfer." he said.

"Halfer. Wow, original. I've heard that before. Got anything else?" I replied sarcastically.

Shane looked at me and said "Ah. Touchy subject I see. So what's a girl like you, doin out in the woods at a time at night like this?"

"Im perfectly capable of taking care of myself thank you, and what do you mean a girl like me?" I snapped.

"Well, your ceartinly not a fighter, your a princess, where's your guard. And since you are a Halfer, people are lookin to rip your head off your pretty little shoulders" he said.

"Thank you very much, I am a fighter. I lead my guard. I'm not some princess that needs a man following her around to keep her safe. Why are you walking around my woods at night?" I said.

"Surprising. I guess I underestimated you, but you'd never be able to take on a girl from my pack, and Im looking for your someone, Jaymin. Do you know him?" He said.

"Uhm excuse me? My Jaymin? Yeah I know him. He's sleeping, ya know like every other normal Sabel, except you." I replied.   

"I really need to see him, I have to tell him something, we need him with the pack" he said.

"What? No. Are you crazy? He lives here, this is his home----" I was cut off mid sentence by a voice behind me.

"Shane?"

It was Jay.

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Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review · Fri Jul 20, 2012 12:01 pm

Hi there!

So I noticed you're new to the site. Welcome!

Alright, let's get to the reviewing!

This is a strong piece for your first post. I can remember my first post here. I'm pretty sure I had to completely rewrite every last word. Yours however, is strong. It is written and organize very well. I can truly relate to the main character, Avianna. It's such a pretty name, by the way. I also like your descriptions. You leave me without wondering about the surroundings of the characters, or what the characters look like either. Great job.

Comments/Suggestions/Critiques (I really hate that word, critique):
"The dark encasing her, overwhelmed her body..."
~Be careful with your tenses here. The part before the comma is present tense and the part after is passed. Change it to 'encased'.

"She willed herself not to open her eyes, because she knew when she did she would be forced to face her own, fatal reality."
~I think you should say 'she would be forced to face reality'. I don't think it's possible to tag reality as 'hers'. Reality is the same for everyone, not specific to one person.

"...a loud knock followed by a voice brang her from her peaceful state."
~It should be 'brought' not 'brang'. Personally I would say 'dragged her away from her peaceful state'.

"One she'd known, loved, and right this minute despised with every fiber of her body."
~'known' should be 'knew'. I think you should split this into two sentences, really putting the emphasis on the fact that she despises this person: 'One she knew and loved. And at that particular moment, despised with every fiber of her body'. I feel like this way the despising part is separated from the knowledge and love.

"His brown hair ruffled hair now cut..."
~Take out one of the hairs

"He's taller than me now, as children we were the same height."
~I'm assuming this is your character's thoughts? I like to put my character's thoughts in italics because that's how I see them in novels I read. You could also put single quotations around thoughts and leave it in normal type. Either one you use you should definitely point out that it's her thinking. If not it looks like you suddenly changed from third person narrative to first person narrative.

~Well, now you're changed from third person to first person. Keep this constant through the piece. Choose which one you want to use and stick with it.

"Plus you'll have to deal with that THING, of a partner."
~I don't feel that caps is needed here. You can get the same effect by saying this, ' "Plus you'll have to deal with that thing of a partner..." Jaymin growled.' See the difference? If you reword your sentences you can give them the same effect in maybe a better way.

"Don't be rude, he's just as good as you."
~Who is this guy? If you give the readers his name it'll be more effective. Then they'll have someone to sympathize with, someone to feel bad for being made fun of.

"If you weren't injures, I'd be fighting you, but you so stupidly broke half you body..."
~So does Jaymin have to walk around on crutches or something? Or is he still healing and just can't fight yet? Give a little more detail here.

~Just a quick question here. Why does Avianna despise Jaymin? He's her best friend, right? And now she's mad all over again because he made fun of her training partner? I'm just slightly confused here.

"Standing in the middle talking to another young boy, was Lucas. My training partner. Smug, anal, Lucas."
~I absolutely love this description :)

"Who once again, as children was not graced with the looks he was now."
~'Who once again, as a child, growing up with me, was...' This flows better and really emphasizes the fact that she had grown up with him.

"Your a wee bit late..."
~should be 'you're'

"You okay man? Jeez, you look like shit. Got your ass kicked too."
~HA! Take that Lucas! :P

"'Avianna,' he said, now clearly he's angry, he never calls me by my full name."
~Just to point out, he called her Avianna in the beginning. Maybe he was mad then too, I don't know.

"I spin around on my heel and face him, my eyes flashing green."
~Aren't her eyes purple?

"...I blinked trying to get my eyes to adjust to the dark, closing them and willed my wolf out."
~Whoa, unexpected twist! Love it! A few things about this sentence though: 'willied' should be 'willing' and take out 'and'; I would put the word 'inner' in between 'wolf' and 'out' and say 'to come' before out. Then it would read 'willing my inner wolf to come out'.

Overall this is a great first chapter. I feel like I really know the characters and I want to know more about their life. Like I said earlier, your description of setting is great. I hope to read more of this and find out why Shane wants to see Jay. Let me know when you post more!

I hope I didn't come across harsh in my review. Sometimes I end up being so brutally honest with my reviews that they seem harsh. I assure you, I just want to help you make your writing better. That's what I expect from those reviewing my stuff so I review other people's stuff like that. Just wanted to say that.

Can't wait to read more of your stuff! Keep writing!
**Noelle** :)



“All stories are true," Skarpi said. "But this one really happened, if that's what you mean.”
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind