Published February 18, 2009
Amelia,
They’ve found another way
To push the needle into the hay
To carve what they won’t say
Into your skin.
Amelia,
They’ve cocked the gun, and eaten the key
They digest iron with their enmity
And they’ve decided to abandon me
To you
Amelia,
They have photocopied the sonogram
It reminds them to torment those sinners and damned
I’ve resorted to iron barricades to remain who I am
With you
Amelia,
Their jangling tune of hatred
Flying over and under our love nest
These medieval songs of clanging protest
Are directed at you
Amelia,
I am not scared
Of course I always cared
When we are married I will dare all
For you
Its just, Amelia -
This letter of scarlet red
Was sliced into my chest by my kindred
I don’t want the child to be born in this soup of hatred
Do you?
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firstly this poem is beautiful, the metaphors are strikingly original but the imagery remains clear. The flow is good too: a few flaws that come almost inevitably when u write within a rhythm and a rhyme scheme - its frustrating.
if u wanted to you could tweak the rhyme of love nest and hatred, and the last verse loses some of the powerful imagery it would have with a tighter rhyme.
i had no problem with sonogram and damned... maybe I read it differently to some of the others?
And I think it would sound better if you moved the 'all' in 'dare all' to the next line to fit the rhyme and emphasise the strength of the committment being made.
or you could leave it completely as it is and it is still really good
(my first review btw so you should probably disregard everything i said lol)
Hiya. And welcome here.XD My name is Nixie and I'm not a good reviewer but I shall try.
I see no problem with the flow of this poem, honestly. It's an uncommon structure you worked with but anyhow, this was quite well done.
I have one problem though, but perhaps it's just me. The repetition of Amelia was slightly too much. It's a slight thing though.
On the impact of this poem: brilliant. It's a topic not often written about and yet it was well presented and well painted in this poem.
thanks for the tips!
This is really good. It flows well and isn't so puzzling that people don't even want to read it, but just enough so that people want to think about it and figure it out, as is with all great poems. However, a few small things. You seem to have a rhyme scheme going where you rhyme the second, third, and fourth lines (counting the "Amelia's" as one line), but in stanzas 3 and 4, they don't seem to rhyme quite right. "Sonogram" and "damned" seem to trip up on your tongue, because they aren't as perfectly fitted as "hay" and "way" and "say". However, if you really don't want to change it, it's manageable. But in stanza four, "hatred" just doesn't seem to fit with "nest" and "protest." Also, "when we are married I will dare all/ for you" doesn't fit the rhyme scheme either. Could you rearrange it so that it is "when we are married all I will dare/ for you"? It fits the rhyme, but it might sound a little off. Hmm. Other than that, this is great!