Published November 11, 2007
e.
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141,421 Literary Works • 674,398 Reviews
short and to the point.
you have packed alot with few words.
i liked this alot.
kim
Appreciate the crit thx.
It's a nice piece, but I'm not sure about the first line. It reads a little strangely I think. Maybe try "As for writing this down."
I'd omit "absolutely", as I think it makes the line too long and throws off the rhythm, and I'd put a comma after the last "now." Actually, while I;m on that line, do you really need the word "now" there?
Other than that, I like how this is written, especially the final verse. I also really liked "and feel completely satisfied." It sounded like a sigh of contentment...hmm...I make sense in my own head...
Anyway, ya, a lovely piece, but I'd tweak it a little. Maybe try reading it aloud so you can get a sense of how it sounds and flows. Hope this helps!
Jas
It was short but sweet and the rhyming was creative, keep up the good work!
-Elitehusky