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125,015 Literary Works • 672,847 Reviews
I have always found that when you match a long line with a short line in a stanza, it can be very difficult to get a good rhythm developed. So with that being said, I would change "This pain I feel has got to go away," to "This pain has to go away" and then change "Even though you've moved on," to "Even though you moved on," And then merge the 2nd and third stanza. So what you are left with is:
It gives the stanza some rule and order, and will give that stanza a defining quality.
Here are some technical fixes, change "whole" to "hole" and remove the comma after big.
Very good stanza with some good imagery. I would personally state "cold blank stares" as opposed to "blank, cold stares." Not only does that rewording sound a bit more common, but it removes that comma which only breaks up that line and interrupts the flow of the stanza.
Throughout this poem you have gotten a bit wordy periodically throwing in adjectives like simply and just when they aren't really needed. So I would remove the word "just" in line 2.
Your best stanzas yet.
In line 2 of the first stanza change "an" to "a" and in line 1 of the 2nd stanza, change "know," to "now." Otherwise another solid 2 stanzas and the 2nd half of this poem is much better than the first. I think you grew as a writer within this poem
this poem fills me with longing and melancholy, but some desire too. you really did a great job. sorry, dont have much time. great job!
Hey there. :]
First of all, this is really good. Although, it sounded a little more like the lyrics to a song than a poem.
Uh, I think you mean "hole" instead oh "whole". Right?
This doesn't make much sense to me. When you say "as you continue to break my heart", it sounds like the person who's trying to break your heart is succeeding. But then, you switch it around completely.
I think you mean "now" instead of "know"
The last thing is that you used two very different voices in the poem. The first voice, in the first eight stanzas, is broken-hearted and upset. The second is stronger and more confident. The only thing I have to say is that the transition between the two voices could improve. You can make it much bolder.
Good job :]
-Ace
Alrighty, I'm Flower and I will be your reviewer for the day. Welcome to YWS by the way! I hope you are finding your way around easily. Also keep in mine that in order to get reviews that you have to review other's works. Now down to business.
I really liked this poem, I could feel the emotion in it. I can also relate to it making it even better!
Nitpics:
"This pain I feel has got to go away" I think you should rephrase this. I think, "This pain I feel has to go away."
"You've left a whole in my heart so big" This is very common imagery. I think you should make it more descriptive and use more colorful words.
I will become an stronger. A not an.
So do what you want know. I think you meant now?
Well that is the little nitpics. I think that you need to tell a better story though. It is so bland and old when you don't give out something new. Why does she love him? What happened for them to break up? You need to answer these questions in your poem. I did like it though.
Keep Writing and pm me if you have any questions!
-Flower-