Chemical's React

Hey!
I have tendancy to be firm with my reviews. Sorry in advance

soft987 wrote:Charisma and Dylan were complete opposites. Totally different. The only thing that they had in common was that they were crazy about each other. Charisma is your All- American Girl from a suburban neighborhood, top of her Sophomore class, softball captain, volleyball starter, and was even voted Sophomore class president. Her red hair and big, blue eyes reflected on her upbeat and stubborn personality. Dylan, on the other hand, was struggling to pass the 10Th grade and to stay on his traveling baseball team. He is disorganized and very careless, which drives Charisma insane. The only thing Dylan had to show for himself was his protective spirit and kind heart. He had messy blond hair and baby blue eyes that made Charisma's knees go weak. They'd known each other since they were 10 and now at age 15 they are still close, but there might be something they can't explain happening inside them. #4000BF "> WOW! That was a ton of detail. And it was all detail. It was say too showy.
"Charisma!" yells Dylan as he runs up to her with a big smile on his face. Charisma turns around and she feels her heart drop to her stomach. OK some thing's not right here, why am I nervous? she thinks as Dylan approaches her.
"Dylan! What's going on?" she asks with a confused look on her face as he almost tackles her to the ground.
"I passed!" he exclaims pulling out of their embrace for a second. Charisma smiles and hugs him tighter.
"That's awesome! I told you that you could do it, now you going to be a Junior with me!" says Charisma pulling out of the embrace for a second.
"What's wrong?" he asks as she steps out of his arms and looks at them for a minute.
"Nothing, just had a long day." she says trying to think of a better excuse than hugging him felt awkward.
"Oh, you want to tell me about it?" he asks with a concerned look.
"No, it's nothing. So you passed, that's great." says Charisma trying to change the subject.
"Yeah, but somethings up with you, I can tell and it's something important." he says as they walk down the street to her house.
"No, I'm fine." she replies looking away from him for a minute. What is wrong with me? she thinks as he watches her walk up the steps to her house.
"OK, but when your ready to talk, you know where to find me." he says walking her to the front steps.
"It's OK, I'll see you tomorrow, bye." she says stepping into the cool air conditioned house. She immediately ran up to her room and shut the door behind her. Is it possible I like Dylan? she thinks as she flops on her bed. I think I do.
********************
Dylan walks back to his house next door as clouds of questions float through his head. Did she find out I like her? he thinks walking upstairs to his room and closing the door behind him. Oh man, if she did I'm toast. he thinks to himself as he looks out his window and sees Charisma sitting on her bed with her favorite guitar in hand. He smiles and opens his window to hear her sing. As she sings, he smiles to himself thinking, If only I could win Charisma over, my life would be better. She sees him listening and goes to the window.
"Is that your favorite thing to do?" she asks with a funny grin on her face that meant you are busted!
"What?" he says back smiling at her with a dazed look on his face.
"Listening to me sing?" she replies leaning her elbows on the window seal.
"It's better than the radio that plays the same things over and over again." he smiles. Her face turns red and she smiles bashfully.
"I got to go take a shower, night." she says closing her window.
"Night." he calls waving bye. He closes his curtains and leans back on his bed. I know how to tell her. he thinks shooting up like a rocket and heading back to his window. Her curtains are closed so that means she's in the shower now and when they open she's done. He waits for them to open again and climbs down his window to Charisma's bedroom window and begins throwing pebbles at her window.
*******************************************
Charisma runs the towel through her long, red hair as she gets ready for bed until she hears something at her window. She goes to investigate and finds Dylan below her window throwing pebbles.
"Dylan, are you crazy?!" she asks trying to be quiet because her parents and sister are asleep.
"Nope, do you mind coming down?" he asks a bit clueless.
"How? My parents will kill me if I'm caught." she says biting her lip and smiling at the idea.
"Please, I need to talk to you." he replies pleadingly. Charisma smiles and quietly sneaks down stairs.
"Thanks, just follow me." he says leading her to the pond down the road from their houses. When they arrive, it's dark and they can barely see each other.
"Spill Dylan, it's freezing out here." she says wrapping her arms around her shoulders.
"OK, so... I... I... I... I... kinda... um... um..." he stutters running his head through his hair and pacing in front of Charisma. She stops him and looks straight in his eyes.
"Do you like me?" she asks looking at him with a slight grin.
"Well... yeah." he replies turning bright red. She smiles and wraps her arms around his neck tightly. He smiles and slowly begins to lean in. She quickly pulls him into the kiss, shocking him so much he almost forgot to do with his hands. After a few seconds he caught on and wrapped his arms around her waist tightly. They stand there kissing for a while until a fish flopped in the pond, scaring them.
"That was all you had to say." says Charisma putting her head on his chest. He smiles and tightens his grip around her. For a while all seemed right until it was almost day break and they had to leave. Hopefully things will stay the same, but everyone knows when chemical's react, there's an outcome...

Charisma is a cool name ^_^
Pay attention to tense. You say Dylan was struggling to pass tenth grade and he is disorganized. And then you say

drives Charisma insane. The only thing Dylan had

she says trying to think of a better excuse than hugging him felt awkward

"It's better than the radio that plays the same things over and over again." he smiles. Her face turns red and she smiles bashfully.
"I got to go take a shower, night." she says closing her window.

he asks a bit clueless

Hi there, soft! I’m Lily. Nice to meet you.
First off, I should say, you should totally stop by the Welcome Mat and introduce yourself to the rest of YWS. But now, on to the review!

Repetition

He waits for them to open again and climbs down his window to Charisma's bedroom window and begins throwing pebbles at her window.
*******************************************
Charisma runs the towel through her long, red hair as she gets ready for bed until she hears something at her window. She goes to investigate and finds Dylan below her window throwing pebbles.

Hello, soft

Charisma and Dylan were complete opposites. Totally different.

Charisma is your All- American Girl from a suburban neighborhood, top of her Sophomore class, softball captain, volleyball starter, and was even voted Sophomore class president.

Her red hair and big, blue eyes reflected on her upbeat and stubborn personality. Dylan, on the other hand, was struggling to pass the 10Th grade and to stay on his traveling baseball team. He is disorganized and very careless, which drives Charisma insane. The only thing Dylan had to show for himself was his protective spirit and kind heart. He had messy blond hair and baby blue eyes that made Charisma's knees go weak

OK some thing's not right here, why am I nervous? she thinks as Dylan approaches her.

"Night." he calls waving bye. He closes his curtains and leans back on his bed. I know how to tell her. he thinks shooting up like a rocket and heading back to his window.

Show vs. Tell

I’m sure you’ve heard this a thousand times before, but you have a classic show vs. tell scenario here. You spend a lot of time telling me what is happening, and in all honesty, that makes me feel stupid. The fact that Dylan was so psyched to pass shows me that he was barely passing; the fact that Charisma is so hesitant shows me that she has a crush on him. Your reader is intelligent – otherwise they wouldn’t be reading! =]

I’m not sure how much you know about show vs. tell, so bear with me here if this is all repetitive!

First, I would suggest dropping the first paragraph and the last sentence. The first paragraph can easily be shown through the actions, and you’ve already begun to develop the characters in that way. I know your title is in your last line, but your title does not have to be in your story. I actually tend to like titles better when they express the mood of the story, as this one does, rather than just being a line from the story. Your reader will see the connection even if you don’t shove it in his face.

I think you should expand on this story. It’s a story of a first romance sparking between friends, and that takes effort. You started out before the romance, which is good – just go further! Delve into the insecurities and hesitancies in their actions; show how confused they are. People who are embarrassed or unsure of themselves have very distinct personalities. They squirm, stumble over their words, and more. Use that!

Finally, during the romantic scene, slow down and focus on the senses. What’s the temperature; are there dogs barking; is her heart pounding; does she smell like shampoo? This is a romantic moment, and senses are heightened. Draw the reader in by letting him feel these emotions.

Overall, it was a very cute story! I like the idea of opposites attracting. It has been done many times before, but this is just a simple snapshot of a life, so it works. Just slow down and let the reader feel like he’s there, and you’re all set. Good luck, and PM me with any questions!

~JFW1415

Hey Kandice, welcome to YWS! This is a nice story - short, sweet and innocent, like first love. :3 I just have a couple nitpicks:

- The entire first paragraph is unnecessary. Very few stories need an intro, and this isn't one of them. There are better ways to set the scene of a story, and if you really want the characters' backstories to be clear, why not insert them into the story?

- When a character gives a statement (AKA a normal sentence), his or her quote ends with a comma, not a period. So

"It's OK, I'll see you tomorrow, bye#FF0000 ">." she says stepping into the cool air conditioned house.

"It's OK, I'll see you tomorrow, bye#FF0000 ">," she says stepping into the cool air conditioned house.

For a while all seemed right until it was almost day break and they had to leave.

For a while all #FF0000 ">seems right until it #FF0000 ">is almost day break and they #FF0000 ">have to leave.