Hi, Sophie!
I like the idea you have for this because honestly, people are sooo caught up in technology and themselves, I do agree with this girl. Some things in life are very unappreciated now, and it's frankly sickening. But I don't think you executed your idea the way it was intended.
First off, I'm not sure I like the point of view you have here. Here's a suggestion: why don't you try writing from the girl's perspective? Right now, we're with the "I" in the story (who we don't know anything about anyway, just that they're watching a girl), and this random girl left a random note on a seat at the train station. Why? What was her purpose for doing that? What happened that made her do it? Writing from her perspective would give some necessary backstory and details, and possibly make the whole idea of the letter more understandable and clear. Because as of right now, we just have this random letter with a random opinion. Why?
I do suggest you chop up that paragraph about doing the simple things in life like hugging a cup of hot chocolate, and watching home videos. That block of words was difficult to get through.
I was confused in the beginning because you sort of switched with the point of view.
I was looking directly at her from the other side of the empty train station we were sharing for the evening, but she did not seem to notice my presence.
The bright, cold lights from the lamps around the platform made her eyes hurt terribly and the cold air seeped through her bones and made her skin crawl. Nevertheless, it seemed almost impossible to distract her attention from whatever it was she was nervously writing.
So maybe you thought you were sticking with the first person perspective but... that's kind of creepy. How would the narrator know if her eyes were hurting, or if the cold air bothered her or not? Anyway. Just stick with one perspective, please.
I had an issue with your opening lines, as well.
‘dear diary…’
There was ink on her fingers from the fountain pen she was holding, scrambling onto the crumpled piece of paper she had placed on her lap
1. The "Dear Diary" beginning literally made this sound like a letter, but it's not. And why start with that, anyway, when we have no idea what the girl was writing until later? Also, why would she purposefully leave her diary entry at a train station? Diaries are usually pretty personal, yet she's addressing people like it is a letter. In that case, why begin with the "Dear Diary"?
2. So the description of the ink made me think the narrator was sitting nearby, but WAIT - he/she is sitting on the other side of the station. How in the world did Narrator notice the ink from that far away?
Er, how exactly did that come about? Okay, I'll just say it. If you want to stick with this point of view, why did you make Narrator sit on the other side of the station? There was no point in the train coming - you didn't mention any significant person stepping off, or the girl or Narrator himself jumping on it, so... why not keep the story simpler, and have Narrator on her side? It would take away this annoying little sentence that needs more detail on how they got the letter, anyhow.I was, of course, intrigued, so I was able to get my hands on the mysterious note.
Overall, I thought this could use some major improvement in the whys of everything, and I do suggest you go back and edit this - you had a few grammatical errors.
If you have any questions about anything I said, do let me know.
I hope to see more of your works around here soon.
cheers!
Points: 16802
Reviews: 276
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