NOTE: This is something I wrote recently because I felt like it was something I needed to write and needed to share with people. It's quite long so it will be posted in a few parts. I've rated all of the parts R for strong language and some violence. I have also changed the names.
***
This is what I wish I could say to you…
You’ve been in my life for as long as I can remember. My earliest memory of you is the day you came over for dinner. Mum spent the best part of the morning looking through all her cookbooks to find the perfect meal. I had fun that morning. Helping Mum decide what to cook and helping her wash the vegetables and stir the sauce. I didn’t know who you were, then, because nobody explained it to me. You just came over sometimes and that was fine by me, because back then, you didn’t seem to be changing anything. It was me and Mum together. Us against the world. We were winning, and I was happy.
I remember the first time I realised how much things were changing. The day you brother pulled up in front of our house and started loading all of our furniture into his van. Then you, me, mum and my new baby sister, Isabel got into the car and drove to our new house. That was the day you became Dad. ‘It’s not Matt, anymore. It’s Dad, now.’ You told me. ‘That’s what you can call me from now on.' No questions. No choice. Dad. You corrected me every single time I got it wrong.
‘It’s dad now, you must remember.’
‘You shouldn’t say ‘my mum’ anymore, it’s just ‘mum’ now, do you understand that?’
I was five years old and I didn’t understand. She was my mum. It was the two of us together. Us against the world. I didn’t understand why it wasn’t anymore.
I have called you ‘Dad’ since then. But you have never been a dad to me. Not once since then have you earned the right for me to call you that. I have a dad. A dad that I haven’t seen for seven years because you didn’t want me to. You wanted me to owe everything to you and only you. Do you remember the night, six years ago now, just after we moved out to Dubai, that you caught me crying because I missed him? You took me for a walk and told me that I shouldn’t miss him.
‘He wanted your mum to have an abortion,’ you said. ‘He never wanted you. When your mum was pregnant with you, he was out sleeping with other women. Why do you think he only visited you when he had work in the area? He came to see you because he felt like he had to. He never cared about your mum and he never cared about you.’ I was eleven years old at the time. ‘I’m telling you this,’ you told me ‘because your mum never will, and neither will anyone else. They think it will upset you too much, so you can’t tell them we’ve had this conversation. You have to promise me that this will stay between us.’
It made me hate my dad, then. I hated him because I believed you. I believed you because I didn’t think anyone else would tell me the truth, so I promised. I stopped replying to his e-mails and every time he phoned Granny’s house to talk to me, I told her to tell him I wasn’t there. I distanced myself from him for years. I made him into a stranger. Someone that I knew a long time ago. You made me hate him. And I hate you for that.
I had another sister by then, Annabel. You gave them both so much love and so much affection. You gave them a dad and you robbed me of the right to one. Over the years I’ve watched you encourage them, love them and care for them and I’ve watched them love you back. Miss you when you go on trips and run to you smiling when you come home. I was so jealous of them because you gave them something that, for so long, you made me feel like I didn't deserve.
I remember when the shouting started. Mum had got a job working at the Rugby Sevens tournament, organising one of the teams. She loved that job. She did it with all her friends just once a year for five days, but you didn’t like it, and you didn’t want her doing it. So you shouted and you screamed. I heard something smash so I jumped out of bed and ran to the top of the stairs. Mum was sitting on the bottom step crying and when you saw me you said
‘Sort your fucking mother out.’ And then walked out of the front door.
It happened more and more often. Every time she did something you didn’t like. The dishwasher wasn’t loaded, she went to meet her friends for coffee for more than twenty minutes, the house was a mess when you came back from a trip. Things that really didn’t matter at all.
It only got worse. You didn’t need a reason in the end. She was just stupid, thick, lazy, a failure. You criticized everything she did, and then everything I did too. And the more she tried to defend me, the worse you got. She stopped arguing back. I would hear you shout at her and she would sit there and take it. Because what else could she do? I can’t count the number of times I found my mum crying. I shouldn’t have had to comfort her. You shouldn’t have made her feel that way. You made her feel so small and helpless and the harder she tried to please you the unhappier you became. She could never try hard enough. I heard her talking on the phone the nights you were away about how she dreaded you coming home. How she felt sick every night after my sisters and I had gone to bed because she knew what was coming.
‘You’re a fucking failure. You’d be nowhere without me and you know it, because you’re thick. Thick, just like the rest of your family and that fucking daughter of yours.’
You told her you would divorce her if she ever did the rugby again. You told her you would take her children away and leave her with no house and no money.
‘And then what will you fucking do?’ You'd say. She didn't know. So she didn't answer.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
i know a lot of people who go through that kind of stuff. my friend is worried that it will happen to her, but i assure her(since her parents are still together) things will work out. please PM me when you've posted more.
PS. this really moved me to tears, although i didn't have any left for the end of this post.
Skittles
I found that really sad because one of my best friends is going through the same exact thing. I don't know exactly how you guys feel but I don't know how you guys do it. I couldn't. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that one day you'll be happier.
This is exceptional and it brought tears to my eyes. You have such a strong voice in your writing and that is not an easy thing to accomplish. You should be very proud of the strength that it took to translate your story into words and then lay it out for the world to see. That in itself made this piece beautiful.
This is an amazingly emotional story, you're really good at telling stories fiction or non-fiction. The only thing review wise that I have to tell about would be:
You missed an R for your.
Overall:
This is really good.
This is absolutely freaking amazing.
I love it.
You are so talented. And now, because of your writing, I hate your father. Not your biological one.
The other one.
Have you ever considered contacting the police about this? I know it's difficult, and it could ruin your whole family, but it looks like your mum is a victim of domestic violence.
I hope this all ends. You don't deserve this. Nobody does.
PM me when you write the second part please !
x
Hi everyone!
as I had my AS Level exams and the site distracted me so much haha but I will post the next part very soon, hopefully, now that I have the time 
and I will PM those who requested.
Thank you so much for all your comments, and support. It means a lot to me and I appreciate you all taking the time to read it and write something as this is something which is very important to me.
I haven't been on the site for a while unfortunately
Once again, thank you everyone who has commented!
Sofi.
Can I just say, wow, it's so emotionally charged that it's taking me a while to get logical thinking back. Like a lot of the rest I can not find a fault and I don't want to because for you this is a lot more than a piece that could get published, for you this is fact. I admire you for breathing in and out after that. OK I would normally end a short post with a joke, but for this moment humour is escaping me so I'll just say this, well written, well described, must have been horrible to live through.
Miriam
I don't think I can edit this, its a bit to strong. I always read about situations like yours, but there in books. Its all fiction, not real. But this seems very real, you wrote yout emotions across very well.
Hey!
'You' should be 'your'.
Over all:
I really like this. My dad was extremely controling, and he reminded me of Matt. Now he is with this woman he went to high school with, and I share the same feelings, despite for the memories that are permanently etched into my mind, the ones that ruined my childhood. He's my dad. In fact, check out my poem I wrote about her, if you want.
[http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic43952.html]
Good job!
*gold star*
- fragile_heart(!)
Hey Sofi
First of all, I'd like to say that I won't criticise this in terms of grammar etc because it is, in my opinion, completely correct in terms of grammar, spelling etc.
I would like to first of all tell you I think you're very brave to share this with people, I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to think, let alone write, about everything you've seen/experienced. Secondly, I'd like to tell you that I'm so so sorry to hear about your life being this way, nobody deserves that kind of existence. I hope that one day, if you ahven't already, you can reconcile with your biological father, and tell him everything. What your 'dad' told you, how you believed him because you were young and impressionable. Secondly, I would like to express my sympathies to your mother, who feels/felt trapped by him. I'm sure she won't be/wasn't alone if she left him. I hope the issue was resolved and if not, I hope it gets resolved. PM me if you ever need to talk, remember strangers are just friends you haven't met yet.
Regards and love to you and your family.
My thoughts are with you all
S
xxx
*gives gold star*
Wow. I really couldn't find anything wrong with this story. There was a few little grammar things that can be easily fixed - I think alwaysawriter pointed them all out - but other than that, it was flawless.
You have a really strong voice, and I could really feel the emotion in your story. It was very well told, and moving. I've never been in that kind of situation before, but I feel like you did a good job telling your perspective and making the reader sympathize with you.
This was supposed to be a review, but it just turned into me commenting your fabulous work. Whoops. Anyways, I hope it all works out for you. This was a great story. Pm me when the next part is up, I'd love to read more!
MB13
Hi Sofi. First of all, I want to say that this was really well written. I only have a few nitpicks.
It sounds like you started the second sentence in the middle of it, not the beginning of it. I suggest combining that sentence and the sentence before it.I think you missed a letter here. You should be Your.
Starting with Then makes me think I'm missing the rest of the sentence and Me is in the wrong part of the sentence--it should be I and you're suppossed to list yourself last. Telling us your sister's name is extra information so you should separate it by two commas. What about "You, mum, and my new baby sister, Isabel, and I got into the car and drove to our new home." ?
Since these are fragments, what about "There were no questions and no choice. I had to call you Dad." ?
This is just me being nitpicky but what if you combine the two sentences?
The Then sounds a little weird at the end of the sentence, like it doesn't belong there. Maybe take it out?
It feels like you started in the middle of a sentence. What about "I watched them miss you when you went on trips and run to you smiling when you came home."?
Once again, this is just be being nitpicky, but what if you combine the two sentences.
Although this is fine as it is, what if you replaced Nowhere with No One?
On a personal note, however, I loved this. It was well-written and you portrayed your emotions well.
I can't even imagine growing up like that but I've experienced the same anger with my own dad. My Mom has threatened to pack up her and my bags and leave if he doesn't stop with all of the yelling. He, of course, points out that she has no college education and wouldn't be able to take care of either of us.
Anyway, good job! *gives gold star* PM me when the next part is up?
Sorry if I was harsh about anything and feel free to PM me/e-mail me for anything, including if you just want to talk.
-alwaysawriter
I read this to review it, but since I cannot find anything wrong with it I will just comment. Well, first of all you have excellent grammar. Second, I wish you all the best with this, and with everything. This was very moving, it moved me to tears of anger, and I commend your story-telling skills. Really, I don't know what to say to this other than that I cannot even imagine the horrid pain and other awful emotions that you must be feeling. I just wanted to tell you something that a friend once told me: Whatever happens, never lose your optimism; it is your ultimate weapon in whatever you are fighting for. I know it sounds cheesy, but it's true. Optimism cannot be taken away by anyone but yourself. And don't stop fighting, because you gain nothing from giving up.
All my best,
Winter
Oh my God... I don't even know what to say. This is so sad. To some level I feel your pain, because my parents got a divorce when I was 10 and were fighting for years before that, and now my mom's remarrying and some stranger is living in my house. So I feel your pain in the sense of I know what it's like to here people arguing in your home and to go through such life changing things like that. I know what it's like to feel like you don't really have a home. Now this could just be me, but you know how each house has a certain smell to it, and your house just has that smell that just makes you feel safe and happy? Well, I don't even know what that is anymore. I live in several houses, and none of them I call home. Anyway, sorry, to rant, just, I know how you feel, and I send my sympathies.