Published March 28, 2008
we are the blinded. but don't take it personally. please critique as harshly as you can:
The Blinded
Yesterady we celebrated
A holiday
Of killing
The only people
Who owned this country
Today we laughed
Our way through
All of the
Violence on tv
Tomorrow we pray
For explosions and death
Of our enemies
It's a wonder
The sun can smile
For all of us
But, then again,
Is it really
smiling?
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140,681 Literary Works • 673,591 Reviews
I really like your poem, I like how you spaced it and the message was really clear. It made a strong picture in my mind.
There was one thing though,
"But, then again,
Is it really
smiling?"
Maybe leave the "But" out.
Good one mate.
=]
I loved your poem. It has a really great message. I agree with it. Send this to the White House! lol. kidding. Good job, dear!
Hey, Callie. Ah, cynical poems. Fun, fun.
Cool Things:
The "message" of this poem, if you will, is great. I know things like that stir my anger, and this piece sort of calls them out. I've seen this done in other poems, and it can go really wrong. However, you didn't. This wasn't man-with-a-megaphone throwing things in people's faces and calling them names. Instead, it quietly points out where the screws are coming lose. Also, you never outright say this or that is Wrong and Bad. We get to make that revelation on our own.
Things That Could Use Work:
An overall note would be that this is a little cliched. Try working in the originality that was in your poem about the Florida coast. Keep the idea, but tweak the words you use.
Hmm.... I think you could make this stronger. Saying they "owned" it doesn't really point out that they owned it first, or deserved it. Maybe you could say "trully owned". Or something. Get creative.
Hmm... not big on the use of explosions here. Maybe another word. One that has some more graphic imagery.
Hope that helps.
-Haley