A Cutters Dream

My dream is to be better than I am now.
To actually be something.
I'm tired of "people" treating me as if I'm "HER" twin.
To "THEM" I can only be like "HER"
I try to do good but in the end its all for NOTHING.
EITHER WAY I"M JUST LIKE HER!!!

They say it's never too late.
Yet they don't try to understand me.
They ONLY tell me what they think is wrong with me?

WHY CAN'T THEY LOVE ME FOR ME?

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User avatar
Dynamo
Review
Dynamo wrote a review · Thu Dec 11, 2008 8:58 pm

Although there are some things you can do to improve it, your message is definitely clear, which is good. I'm not much of a fan of poetry, so I can't offer any advice except keep working at it and try to add more to make it longer and more interesting.

Good start.

The poem plot is personally, drastically overused. The first sentence is a nice start:

My dream is to be better than I am now


But, after that you just got overboard with your emotions. Capitlization expresses anger, and the anger really came too fast. This poem has potential, and I especially love the first sentence. But, I think you need to slow down and come back a little.

User avatar
Someguy
Review
Someguy wrote a review · Fri Dec 05, 2008 7:11 pm

Woohoo!! Slow down!

You really threw your emotions into this poem and I'm not saying it's bad, but jeez!

My dream is to be better than I am now.
To actually be something.
I'm tired of "people" treating me as if I'm "HER" twin.
To "THEM" I can only be like "HER"
I try to do good but in the end its all for NOTHING.
EITHER WAY I"M JUST LIKE HER!!!


First of all. Just write one " ! ". We understand that you are angry and frustrated, but don't make 3 of them. One is enough.

I'm tired of "people" treating me as if I'm "HER" twin.
To "THEM" I can only be like "HER"


Rather write it in Italic.(The words that are in capital letters.)

They say it's never to late.
Yet they don't try to understand me.(You can use an exclamation mark here.)
They ONLY tell me what they think is wrong with me?

WHY CAN'T THEY LOVE ME FOR ME?


Everything doesn't have to be in capital letters. I have to agree with the last line though. It is very true.

I don't think it is good. BUT IT CAN IMPROVE!

:wink:

Okay, I can see there is some bad stuff in your head =[ and poetry is a good way to get that out, but this poem comes across as a bit weird and ranty, because it's hard to get through to the meaning underneath. I'll give some suggestions and stuff:

My dream is to be better than I am now.

This is a good start =] I like the idea of this.

To actually be something.

I like this a bit less because it doesn't make much sense in a way, and also it doesn't speak of much emotion. To actually be something in what way? It's too non-specific.

I'm tired of "people" treating me as if I'm "HER" twin.
To "THEM" I can only be like "HER"

I don't like your use of speech marks, it's not really necessary. Also, you couldn't stick stuff in capital letters, it makes the whole thing really disjointed. These two lines are very similiar, you just repeated yourself in different words.



I try to do good but in the end its all for NOTHING.
EITHER WAY I"M JUST LIKE HER!!!

Again, the capital letters are bad! And the many exclamation marks are also bad. That second line there is a bit too simplistic, you need to make this poem more like a poem and less like random thoughts strung together, I think. It would be better if you had images and metaphors, things like that, to make it easier to relate to.

They say it's never to late.
Yet they don't try to understand me.
They ONLY tell me what they think is wrong with me?

The question mark is wrong, because that's not a question. But this part is a bit more poem-like probably because you didn't stick in capitals.

WHY CAN'T THEY LOVE ME FOR ME?

Capitals again >.< and this is a very cliche sort of phrase, it's been used loads.

Just in conclusion, I think you have the emotions to write good poetry. I love poems that talk about problems like this, but you need to make it more of a poem so that people can feel this pain that you're trying to express and not just hear about it in a jumbled kind of way.

Also, I don't really know why this would be called a cutter's dream, because you don't express very well the dream that you're having, apart from to be different generally.



not to be woke but i just can't go around eating houses
— chi