Chapter One
“Come ooooon, already!” Lucy yelled from the drivers seat of grandma's hatchback station wagon. It was already June, and Lucy was beyond ready to leave her bodunk town of Sarelton Alabama and travel across the country to sunny California with Saul, her discheveled, absolutely adorable, clumsy, train wreck of a boyfriend. He leaned out the screeen door tooth brush in hand and held up a finger.
“Two seconds, i'll be right out! Promise.” he murmured through a mouth full of toothpaste. Lucy sighed and leaned her head back on the head rest. Saul's mom was probably having a breakdown right now over the fact that her baby boy was leaving her. It was completely understandable, but Lucy wished she would hurry her breakdown so they could get on their way.
After what seemed to be an eternity-but was really only five minutes- Saul came bounding down the stairs of his large suburban home with his large duffel bag in hand.
“We all set to go?” he asked peering into the back of the station wagon at the many things Lucy had packed.
“Yeah I think so. Um, is that everything of yours?” Lucy glanced at the duffel not understanding how he could possibly fit his life inside of it.
“Yep! Its all here!” He smile patting the duffel before tossing it into the back and giving Lucy a kiss as he passed her on his way to the passenger side. Lucy smiled, everything about Saul made her smile. especially the fact that they were about to embark on the adventure of their lives together.
“Okay, so first stop is Colorado Springs.” Lucy said as she pulled out the map from her glove compartment. She decided a map would probably get her to their destination quicker than her not-so- smart iphone. Saul took the map from her, opened it and began to study it very intensely. The way the light was shining through the window on his tan skin made him look God-like, and Lucy had to control herself from jumping across the seat and kissing him. She continued to stare at him indulging herself in his beauty until he looked up at her. He gave her a confused smile, one that people give you when they don't realize their true beauty and think they have something on their face.
“I don't know how to read a map, sooo maybe I should drive and you direct.” He suggested as he playfully touched a finger to the tip of her nose and got out to switch places. Once they figured out the route, they had two hundred miles of straight highway to look forward to. The early June weather was perfect and they drove with the windows rolled down and Kings of Leon turned up.
“What do you think it's going to be like in California?” Lucy asked, as she and Saul sat in a small 24 hour diner in Missouri. Saul made a thinking face and stared at his chilli, looking as though it would have all the answers he needed.
“It's going to be different for sure. We're on our own out here. You and me against the world.” He smiled and downed the rest of his grilled cheese. Lucy tried to smile, but now that things were starting to come to life, she was doubting her decisions.
“Are you afraid?” she asked him in a voice that sounded much smaller than her own. She leaned her head on the window and looked out at the deserted midnight highway. She felt his strong hand wrap around hers.
“We're going to be okay. This is our chance to reinvent ourselves, don't be afraid i'm right here.” he smiled that winning smile and she felt okay again. She nodded and sat up a little, tucking a long strand of honey blonde hair behind her ear.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,795 Reviews
>Lucy was beyond ready to leave her bodunk town of Sarelton Alabama and travel across the country to sunny California with Saul, her discheveled, absolutely adorable, clumsy, train wreck of a boyfriend
Try and reveal plot and character traits through dialogue, and if you're going to put a sentence like this in your story at all, don't use the first f****** paragraph to do it.
>he murmured through a mouth full of toothpaste. Lucy sighed and leaned her head back on the head rest. Saul's mom was probably having a breakdown right now over the fact that her baby boy was leaving her. It was completely understandable, but Lucy wished she would hurry her breakdown so they could get on their way.
Alright, I guess you're not too bad of a writer, but try not to reiterate what you have already said.
>Lucy wished she would hurry her breakdown so they could get on their way.
>Lucy wished she would hurry it up so they could get on their way.
Maybe try that instead?
>not-so- smart iphone.
Jeepers guy, I know this probably sounded witty when you were writing it, but it's kinda over used. Not the saying specifically, but the whole 'cell phones suck stereotype' is really over used, ya feel me?
>to study it very intensely
drop the 'very'
Try not to use 'very' for emphasizing anything.
>He suggested as he playfully touched a finger to the tip of her nose and got out to switch places.
You're being overly-wordy here, hun. Try:
>He suggested as he playfully touched a finger to her nose and got out to switch places.
If this is your entire first chapter, make it a little more of a 'attention grabber'. Not saying it's bad, it's actually fairly well-written compared to some of the other stories on this site. You also may want to lengthen it.
to-da-loo
oh goodness, well thank you for your input. Maybe when giving someone a review try to remember that others have feelings and read over it, because you kind of sound like an ass. You could be a lovely person, but your review is telling me otherwise. Thanks anyway!
Any review is a review. If it helps, it helps. Take the honesty while you can
The honesty is fine. I'm not saying that he wasn't wrong, but i also think that there are kinder ways to say things as well.
Never mind, I read more of his reviews. Definitely a Loller.
Hey there! I was browsing the Green Room and saw this, so I figured I'd give it a shot and leave a review.
Okay, I like how realistic this is. I'm not really from a place where teens (they are teens, right? Feel free to correct me, but in my mind, they seem to be eighteen year olds) move out once they're mature enough, but I am aware that this happens in other countries. Also, I like how light and interesting it is of an entry to the novel. I found myself wondering how they're going to adjust, as well as how they're going to go about with troubles that they would eventually face, considering they don't have much guidance now as they are on their own. Finally, I like how there is enough description -- not too much, but not lacking either, leaving space for me to imagine what it looks like.
Now, as for corrections and suggestions, I'll list them below for you.
The "drivers" here should be "driver's".
I believe you meant "disheveled" rather than "discheveled".
Whoops! There's a small typo here. You accidentally added an extra "e" in "screen". Also, I think this sentence could use a couple of commas. One comma could be placed between "door" and "tooth" while the other could be between "hand" and "and".
It's another typo. Capitalize the "i" in "i'll".
I'd personally put a comma between "asked" and "peering".
I have the same suggestion as the one above. In this case though, I would put the comma between "duffel" and "not".
I assume you meant "It is", as "Its" is possessive, so put an apostrophe between "t" and "s".
I think you meant to type "He smiled", so you're just missing a "d". Plus, like I said before, I'd suggest putting a comma between "smile" and "patting".
I think the period in the middle should be a comma.
Well, I think that's about all I spotted. Don't worry though -- one quick edit and I'm sure you'll be able to spot whatever else I may have missed, to make this work shine brighter. I'm sorry if the review seems rough around the edges, as I haven't reviewed for quite a while, but hopefully, it would still help you out!
Good luck and keep on writing.
Thank you! yeah, some of the errors are solely just me breezing through things too quickly!
"Lucy yelled from the drivers seat of grandma's hatchback station wagon. It was already June, and Lucy was beyond ready to leave her bodunk town of Sarelton Alabama and travel across the country to sunny California with Saul, her discheveled, absolutely adorable, clumsy, train wreck of a boyfriend."
This sentence is super long. It dominates the entire paragraph. It does a good job describing Saul, though. Either find a place you'd like to put a period or add another sentence to the paragraph.
"'Two seconds, i'll be right out! Promise.' he murmured through a mouth full of toothpaste."
Capitalize the "I'll". Sorry to be THAT GUY
"...her not-so- smart iphone."
capitalize the P in "iPhone". I apologize again
"Saul made a thinking face and stared at his chilli, looking as though it would have all the answers he needed."
Just had to say how much I love this sentence. You have an excellent writing style.
"...afraid i'm right here."
God forgive me of my sins against humanity. Capitalize the "I'm"
Last thing I have to say. I thought you could have describe Saul's appearance much better. I accidentally pictured him as a redneck who smelled of BO and beer, and I couldn't shake the image. Other than that, You are a fantastic writer. Keep it up.
Thanks! your review actually made me laugh and not think that i was the most unoriginal writer there ever was! I will definitely try to work on Saul's appearance more because that is certainly NOT the image i want people to have of him!
Haha, I'm just here give the way I imagined him. I thought of him as a guy with shoulder length brown hair with some sort of boyish charm. In my head, he's a little skinny looking as well.
Wow, that's actually spot on to what i was going for!
Made your account today, huh? Welcome, hope you like it.
thanks!